Relational issues...

[Psy-Blade]

Hey guys,

Well I'm not one to usualy ask for advice on this but I'm between a rock and a hard place at the moment. If I didn't even attempt to tap into the knowledge and experience here I'd be silly...

I've been together with my gf for almost 5 years now. We were great, for 4 of those years (apparently; this is all news to me). She's recently moved to London and I'm trying to do the same when my job will allow.

Basically she feels we're in a rut, and I can work on that, I know that much. But some of the issues she has I could probably do with some advice on.

She's moved in with some housemates, most of whom use recreational drugs, but non of them are addicts and it isn't a regular thing. One of the thing that she does want to try is MDMA. I was immediately against this and this has set this whole thing off. She is worried that if she spends her whole teenage/young adult life with me (Im 24, she's 22 now) that she will regret that she didn't try these things.

So... I've thought about it and well, I should encourage and nurture her in things she wants to try. I've decided to let her try it at a small house party (We know the majority of the people there, its at her house). I'm going to attend but drink as I usually do. I've thought about joining her but it doesn't do anything for me. So I can be there and make sure things go ok; stopping me worrying too. I've told her the major issue I have is it becoming a habit, and she's assured me that she has no such intentions. I've also read around the drug and took in all the information and it sounds safe (not saying legal) and fairly controllable.

So... what do you guys think, am i doing the 'right' thing?


UPDATE:

Some of you guys aren't reading the whole thread ( I don't blame you), so here's an update.

After some good advice here I'm not going to be present when she try's it. I've figured out I'm more worried to lose her to a world of drugs than for her to try it. I have no irrational fear of drugs, I have friends who take them, and that doesn't bother me at all. I'm going to stop pushing her away and instead help her explore what she wants to explore. I've told her this now, but I've also told her that if it goes to far I can't carry on. I'm not going to ditch her to ruin her life, but I'll help her if and when I can, but not as her boyfriend.

She seems OK about this, the idea of her trying it at home and not a huge party was hers, and she's happy for this to happen still. She's not going to jump into anything now, and as a result of our 'rut' she'll try and put it off until we're back on our usual rails.

 

[Psy-Blade]

Hey guys,

first thanks for all the replies, even though some are not what I wanted, I wanted a broad opinion.

I guess I typed out a few sentences hurredly... First and foremost I'm not a control freak. We have very independent lives and that's always worked. I didn't mean to type that I'm 'letting her'... more that I'm saying I'm happy for her to do it. I've always said she could do it, just not wholeheartedly. Its something she's indicated that she wants to try from the infancy of our relationship. She's a smart girl, with smart friends, I dont' believe that she will fall into a habit.

On the issue of her moving to London, she moved there to take a job (Lingerie industry doesn't really exist elsewhere in England), and I know that she does really want me to move there, she's asked me of her own accord several times, and I'm working on the employment part of it.

I guess the issue of being there to look after her has been turned on its head for me by you guys and there is obviously a unanimous opinion here. I think I'll stay home and play some games instead . I trust her friends, they've done it for a whole, powdered for the one or two of you that asked.

 

[Psy-Blade]

I'll go look after her for you. House party + drugs + your bird who works in the lingerie industry = win. Unless she's ugly, then I'll just have the drugs.

Haha, well actually she first bought up the idea of trying it at her house with just the usual crowd about as she is worried about that part of the drug, she understands that that would kill 'us'.

 

[Psy-Blade]

Ditch her now, you'll save yourself a boatload of headache later.

5 years ago you were 19 and she was 17. People grow so much in the latter teenage years and it sounds to me like you've grown apart. Call it quits and no hard feelings, you'll be glad you did.

I wouldn't say we've grown that apart. We enjoy each other still, we had a great time this morning just having lunch in a pub and conversing.

some of you are pathetic.

I agree with the majority about the drug taking, but telling him to end it etc after 5 years is just harsh.

Thanks, we've created something which is nice most of the time, I'm going to work hard to keep it. She's definitely not willing to give up. I even suggested that we separate, at least for a while, during a serious chat the other night. She broke down at the very though.

 

[Psy-Blade]

Well to be fair, I've never known anybody be 'drugged' into having sex due to MDMA. They feel empathogenesis; basically really close to others, reduced inhibitions (especially regarding verbal communication) etc. That effect is why it's often referred to as the 'hugging drug' etc. It's a different feeling to sexual desire, although I'm sure in suitably pre-desiring subjects it would be a greatly efficient pleasure enhancer. But to actually make you want to engage in sexual activity you weren't contemplating when 'sober'? No.

tldr: Unless she already wants to stray, I wouldn't be panicking, personally.

This is exactly what she said her friends have told her. She was worried about this, which I'm glad of, but they've said that they've never experiences and over whelming urge to **** the nearest person while on MDMA.

 

[Psy-Blade]

Once you try these things and enjoy them, your weekend will most likely include some form of stimulant, as alcohol dosent suffice once you have been high

Everyones different, you said that you tried weed and that lead to a path of every other drug you could try...

Me and my GF have both tried weed, together and separately. I much preferred alcohol and went straight back to it...

 

[Psy-Blade]

Morning guys,

Again thanks to those of you with useful input and help/ Like I said I've told her I'm not bothered about being there whens he tries it... though, she didn't accept that answer and said she'd think over whether she wants me there or not. I think she knows I'm not going to be there disapproving and looking after her (unless it all goes bad) and that I'll get nicely drunk. So I don't know if a small part of her wants me there...either way, that questions in her court now.

Regarding her moving out, like I've said this was a career decision, when she moved away she assures me there were no problems with our relationship. She told me from the first year or so that her jobs will be based around London, Paris etc and I have no problem with that.

Having slept on it, I have no issue with her trying things. It's the same as whens he did the worlds highest bungie... I was worried for her, but I was obviously less worried than I am now.

I'm worried that she will become an addict more than anything. Some of you say I should let her go and carry on... but do you really just let go and potentially allow someone you love to ruin their life? No is the answer to that in my books. I'd say only one of her house mates does drugs regularly, and thats every 2 weeks or so. The others are more casual, maybe once every 1 or 2 months. She said she would be inclined to do it less often than those. She's not a party animal, every weekend isn't and excuse to go out and get trashed, and so I don't think she'd sit at home on a quiet weekend and just get out of her face.

This threads really helped me think about, and see, more than one point of view. Thanks for the advice so far guys

 

[Psy-Blade]

The chances of her becoming addicted to MDMA are extremely slim. The most likely scenario is this becomes a gateway onto other drugs which do have a more addictive side. One night of MDMA and she won't want to touch for at least another week. You feel like utter **** afterwards, she will also reach a point where she won't want anymore on that night. However, other drugs, especially like Mephedrone (MCAT), are extremely moreish and people can easily clear 4-5g's in a night and carry it throughout the weekend.

Yeah, I've read up on MDMA and this was my first indication that I was worrying about something I didn't understand. So I looked it up more and found out that its not really that addictive. We've talked about other drugs and she said that she has no real interest in doing most of them, she dislikes the idea of coke and she hates the idea of heroin so that's definitely a good thing.

 

[Psy-Blade]

Christ almighty. Do yourself a favor chap and just forget you ever started this thread.

There's no point in asking for opinions on relationships here. The heady mix of half dead marriage burnouts and 15yo Facebook stalkers will offer you very little in the way of sage advice.. Especially if you introduce recreational drug use into the mix.

Well if you read through the thread I have gotten plenty of good advice from some level-headed users here. I'm not going to act on every piece of advice here, it just lets me easily enter another point of view.

EDIT: Just updated the first post to prevent the same answers coming back over and over