Relationship thread \o/ RE: Effort

RandomTom

RandomTom

RandomTom

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28 Sep 2004
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Well well, this is a first for me I think.

To those of you in a med-long distance; e.g. 30miles-3million miles relationships, how much effort do you make, or feel you need to make? I've just been speaking to my gf of 3 months, and she's really upset I haven't spoken to her since Thursday, just text her 5-10 times a day but yeah, she says I'm not bothered and that I only see her when I've nothing else to do, and that I only make an effort because she nags. I love seeing her everyday at uni, but away from uni she says I don't make an effort.

Anyway, when I'm away at uni I don't actively ring my mum or my dad, and only speak to them when they call. I never want to be clingy, but am I too blasé? My parents always ask if I can ring them, and it's not out of spite or not loving them but I just don't because I don't feel I need to. My mum and my dad split when I was younger, and I could quite easily go for 3-12 months without seeing my dad and feel fine. What's wrong with me with my distance in relationships if I think everything could be okay even if I don't see them for a while?

My gf has been saying that over summer, as she lives 160miles away that I won't make an effort, she really likes me, I really like her but apparently it doesn't show, I can see why; I regret not doing it, I just don't feel like I need to. Is my heart empty? lol.
 
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You're dealing with a female though, so remember they're weird creatures. Just apologise (even though you're in the right) and continue contacting her more often for the sake of it.
 
she's really upset I haven't spoken to her since Thursday, just text her 5-10 times a day
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hrmm you havent SPOKEN to her? since thursday? texting somone isnt really "connecting" imo

why dont you phone her?

think of it as constant re-affirmation of your feelings. If you dont contact her she will think you dont care. So you need to re-assure her.

i'd have a think about whether you want to be in the relationship at all.

I mean its about both of you not just you.

(yes ive been in similar situation)
 
I'm gonna take your missus' side lol. I could understand if you had been together a few weeks but 3 months! I would wanna speak to my missus everyday. If she didn't contact me for 4 days she would be getting a kick to the ovaries!

Saying that though everyone is different and deal with relationships different, so if you are just being you don't worry about it and do what dark shadow said and just apologise for you being in the right and keep things sweet!
 
Surfer said:
hrmm you havent SPOKEN to her? since thursday? texting somone isnt really "connecting" imo

why dont you phone her?

think of it as constant re-affirmation of your feelings. If you dont contact her she will think you dont care. So you need to re-assure her.

i'd have a think about whether you want to be in the relationship at all.
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Correct, and I should have phoned her but I just didn't feel like I needed to in my head, I thought she would be aware of my feelings and know that I care about her.

She's gone to say that even if she's busy she'll always think about me, where as I'm the opposite, and that if I'm busy I'll think about that rather than her.

Problem is, that's 100% true. I will just dig a hole here :(
shadow4509 said:
I'm gonna take your missus' side lol. I could understand if you had been together a few weeks but 3 months! I would wanna speak to my missus everyday. If she didn't contact me for 4 days she would be getting a kick to the ovaries!
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My heart is empty and I don't know why.
 
Have you ever felt that you need to talk to her or tell her how you feel?

I find it odd that you don't but thats just from my point of view.

I've been with my partner for nearly 18 months and we both still feel like we are in the honeymoon period, have you had a honeymoon period?

I couldn't go the day without speaking to her and I know she couldn't either and I think about her a lot of the day. Perhaps i'm stange lol
 
shadow4509 said:
I'm gonna take your missus' side lol. I could understand if you had been together a few weeks but 3 months! I would wanna speak to my missus everyday. If she didn't contact me for 4 days she would be getting a kick to the ovaries!

Saying that though everyone is different and deal with relationships different, so if you are just being you don't worry about it and do what dark shadow said and just apologise for you being in the right and keep things sweet!
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All good and true, if you have the time to send her 5-10 texts a day, just give her a little call, if for nothing else just to "say" hi, when i'm not with my gf at night we talk on MSN, but christ, its nothing like talking, and just a cheaper alternative, call the woman and show her you care! :)

There's nothing at all wrong with focusing your mind on other things, as they need it too, i'm sure she knows that if you're busy/stressed with something, it needs your attention, but she does too.

I'm not taking sides, but i'm the same with my gf as she is with you, a few days without contact is a "what is going on?" kinda thing, maybe its just us over protective ones! :p

Just cater for her needs, and for christs sake, don't be a stranger to her over the summer, thats the kinda time you'll have such fun without stress! :)
 
Ok sort the good stuff ignore the bad stuff kay? :D

If you honestly want to be with her (because maybe deep down you are just happy with it being laid-back more casual relationship?)

then dont tell her you aint thinking about her.

But you need to tell her or do something that makes her know you do care? You say she knows already? How? via text?

edit: has it always been like this? ie 3 or so days without talking? have you had a talk about where the relationship is going? :D
 
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Meh, you should have tried dating before mobiles were common place.

Advantages were

1) You cant keep ringing them.
2) They can't keep texting you to remind you you haven't rung them.
3);)

In your case, Ring her
 
I'm completely the same, I keep my thoughts to myself and rarely speak to anyone. But after a few relationships going sour in exactly the same way as you I realise other people work different and I need to force myself to make that effort.

Think you just need to get your head around it, ain't about your feelings. just treat it as a necessity to make the relationship work.
 
You can't win dude. If you were too clingy, she'd hate it. If you appear to not care enough, she'll hate it. They don't know what they want.

How serious is the relationship? I could understand if you guys were very close when together, then when apart you simply fail to get in touch on a regular basis.

When you've fallen for someone, I'd rather see them more often than not.
 
TimBrad said:
In what way empty, mate?
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Empty as in the fact I don't feel like I need to make an effort for things to be okay. It's not out of bone idleness, it's out of probably only forming weak relationships in life.

Once called up on it, I regret doing it, infact I regret making less effort than I should in many things in life; exams, relationships etc. I regret that I don't do things about them after until I've lost them. Hence I just think I'm empty sometimes.
 
davestar_delux said:
I'm completely the same, I keep my thoughts to myself and rarely speak to anyone. But after a few relationships going sour in exactly the same way as you I realise other people work different and I need to force myself to make that effort.

Think you just need to get your head around it, ain't about your feelings. just treat it as a necessity to make the relationship work.
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I disagree with you! Of course it's about feelings, if I was with someone for 3 months and after 3 months I didn't feel the need to speak to them and tell them I miss them or just to see how they are then I simpy wouldn't be with them. The relationship wouldn't have even lasted 3 months. And I would be the same if it was the other way round, if she didn't make an effort then I would get rid. I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't feel the same as I did for them! It's all about feelings.
 
As a ruling, I don't think its anything you, or her have done wrong, you just both seem to feel different amount of contacts are adequate, but obviously one then ends up looking selfish, and the other insecure/not wanting to commit.

Just give her more of your time, even if its a quick call to say hey, she'll appreciate it :)
 
If you don't want to talk to her every day then you're obviously that not mad about her.

It'll prolly come to an end soon enough I imagine.
 
Andelusion said:
If you don't want to talk to her every day then you're obviously that not mad about her.

It'll prolly come to an end soon enough I imagine.
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I'm not mad about her no, my emotions are pretty subdued most of the time; I'm not one who goes for the extremes.

Bit bleak saying it'll come to an end, I've just got to try, get into some good habits.
 
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