Relationship thread \o/ RE: Effort

Raymond Lin said:
Why can't or why didn't she call you if she misses you?
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She seems to think that when I'm at home for a weekend because I don't give her a call, everything comes above her and that she has to fit around when I'm free. I don't know where she gets this indication cos I'd drop what I'm doing to speak to her, I just don't initiate it. I think when we're apart it's a combination of my slack attitude and her paranoia that makes us a bit rubbish to say the least.

After this thread, I'll have changed my ways...
 
RandomTom said:
I'm not mad about her no, my emotions are pretty subdued most of the time; I'm not one who goes for the extremes.

Bit bleak saying it'll come to an end, I've just got to try, get into some good habits.
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its not about going to extremes, it's about falling for someone and having feelings for them. The feeling that you NEED to speak to them to see if they are ok, how they are feeling, what they have been doing etc.

If you don't get that feeling then i would agree that it will come to an end in the very near future. The fact you are saying you have to try and make yourself do it says it all in my opinion.
 
I think it stems from a previous relationship's failure in trust, clingyness and cheating, and for the foreseeable future, I think with anyone, I'd probably be the same. I do want to be in a relationship, but I've changed my needs, and suppress things 'til they're staring me in the face sometimes. I coast.
 
Im at uni and my parents who are also seperated are also constantly nagging me to call them...I never do...not because i dont *care*, just that theres not exactly much to talk about with them, and I would much rather be doing something, ANYTHING else then talking to them... not looking forward to goin back home in a month when i finish uni for good...gonna move out ASAP...
 
My current gf is italian and currently lives in north italy, we're still seeing if this will lead anywhere but we talk normally every other day (usually phone as it's more personal and quicker, otherwise skype/SMS/email) and normally I see her every three/four weeks or so.. it takes longer to drive to Stansted than the flight time! She's here this weekend too \o/

One of my previous girlfriends was from boston, US. The killer is the timezone.. I'd be shattered at midnight when she'd be home and I'd call.. it's not easy to be humourous when you can't keep your eyes open. We did travel and see each other but it's a big commitment.

I'd say 30-60 minutes means you can see each other any time but it still doesn't make up for them wanting to be with you.. so regardless of distance just pick up the phone and don't make mundanely regular.. call her at work just to say "Hi, was thinking of you.. ".
 
She sounds like the jealous/insecure type - I'd ditch her now unless she's amazing in the sack. If she's upset she should call you, no way should you have to call her every day although is sounds like the pair of you don't really communicate when you are talking - seriously if she's getting wound up about you having time to yourself and imagining all sorts it sounds like she's not the trusting type.

No trust = no relationship.
 
Kami said:
She sounds like the jealous/insecure type - I'd ditch her now unless she's amazing in the sack. If she's upset she should call you, no way should you have to call her every day although is sounds like the pair of you don't really communicate when you are talking - seriously if she's getting wound up about you having time to yourself and imagining all sorts it sounds like she's not the trusting type.

No trust = no relationship.
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Yup - you have to be open and trust but not all women are confident, sometime it takes them a little time to understand that (a) you love them loads, (b) you trust them and (c) you're not about to run off.

In reality you do have to look into yourself and say - do I have that vibe/feeling when I see her or she walks into the room..
My ex wasn't that and I can say it becomes a chore rather than a relationship, she may have had 32G norks but that doesn't make up for the lack of a spark between the personalities.. certainally no click..

New gf gets attention all the time from guys which makes her weary. Believe it or not we spoke for 4-6 hours (I think it was 4 she says it was 6) online on a dating site before I got to see a photo.. then we spend weeks chatting before we got to skype... then meet in person etc..
I'm often seen as being coldly logical when going out with someone initially often not worrying about chatting between seeing girlfriends again.. then suddenly it clicks - but that's me I've always been like that even with insta-chemistry girls..
With this gf, she's very family orientated. I can see that she's special (at many levels not just physical) and I'm going to put effort in.. sure she's a little demanding on my time but I don't mind - infact there's not much else in the world that matters to me. (man that's clicked in a big way!)

OP- you sound like me. I see my parents a couple of times a year. I have started making an effort (now I'm older) to see them but before I could go a year or two without seeing them. My mum phones every sunday..

So I don't think you're alone thinking that - but it may be worth asking "are you in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship?".
Three months is a relatively short time.. perhaps give it another month or two and see if it clicks.. just make the effort (all relationships take effort unfortunately - even really great ones) and see how far it goes..
 
You should speak to her on the phone every day even if it can only be for 10 min. I bet she has been calling you every other day and noticed that you never call her so she stopped this last tuesday as a 'test'
 
mame said:
You should speak to her on the phone every day even if it can only be for 10 min. I bet she has been calling you every other day and noticed that you never call her so she stopped this last tuesday as a 'test'
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No she never rings me, at uni we're never apart, my mattress is in her room and all that, so she has no need to. I only ring if the flat door is locked and I can't get in, which usually lasts about 10 seconds.
Kami said:
She sounds like the jealous/insecure type...No trust = no relationship.
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Firstly yeah she seems to be the jealous/insecure type, but I trust her fully, she always goes on about her guy friends back home, and there are loads of photos round her room. My ex's guy friends used to be ones she'd eventually get with. So I decided I'd have to be fine with it this time round.

Cheers for the words people, she's a keeper, I just need to giver her a call, and tell she can call me, rather than thinking at home I don't have time for her.
 
Before I moved down, I lived in Doncaster my, then, girlfriend lived in Swansea.

We'd text everyday without fail, but we both realise we had seperate lives in two seperate countries, busy schedules and of course a single income each which just couldn't go on mobile or landline telephone calls all the time.

I think today however it's slightly different with the free weekend calls with BT, but even then, I don't think you should be expected to phone EVERY day. I'm sure phoning EVERY day would get a little tedius after a while, the one day you can't for whatever reason the other person is gonna be thinking the worse and a relationship over a distance like yours doesn't need any more issues raised such as trust, "Are they thinking of me" thoughts and other stuff like that.

Ring her up, say what you gotta say, say you'll call back at such-a-time and stick to it, don't let her down but let her know you won't be phoning every day.
 
Can't believe everyone saying you should call everyday! I couldn't deal with that at all.

Been with my gf nearly a year and we're both very independent people, I try make some sort of contact (msn/text/call) at least every other day but if it doesn't happen we don't freak out, we also believe you shouldn't have to schedule contact.

I'm same as op can easily go months without talking to rents an even friends from back home, it's not that I don't care I'm just very independent and laid back.
 
Im the same, if people feel they need to talk to me they can phone me. If they dont i just get on with things, it just doesnt really cross my mind to call people just for the sake of it.
 
Eriedor said:
Been with my gf nearly a year and we're both very independent people, I try make some sort of contact (msn/text/call) at least every other day but if it doesn't happen we don't freak out, we also believe you shouldn't have to schedule contact.
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Yep pretty much same here, see her at least 2-3 times a week with txts or phonecall in between depending on what is happening. But all this talk of phoning for 30 mutes a night and txting 5-6 times seems a bit odd. I mean duing the week I'm at work for 8 hours a day get home, cook , put washing in do ironing etc there isn't a huge amount to discuss.
 
Andelusion said:
If you don't want to talk to her every day then you're obviously that not mad about her.

It'll prolly come to an end soon enough I imagine.
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That's a bit harsh, don't you think?


I text my girlfriend a few times a day and usually ring her every other day, for a quick chat and catchup. Could be different for me though, since we've been together sometime and have been apart at different unis for 3 years now.

Everyone's different, you just need to find out how often she'd like a chat, try talking to her?
 
Your lack of communication has been caused by a lack of communication :p What a vicious little circle. Make the effort to talk to her and when you do, discuss what would make you both happy. Obviously you're more laid back when it comes to this than she is but you need to find a happy compromise. That way she'll know you still care for her even if you get a bit busy / forgetful and you won't need to call daily :)
 
[TW]Fox;11671149 said:
Do you have a girlfriend?
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Not as of this moment no, my last at distance would call/txt quite regularly if we hadnt met up which i guess made things easier.
 
Like a few people have said, you both need to discuss what you expect from the relationship. Communicate.

On the other hand, and this is the thing that would set me off, why the hell can't she call? Double standards?
 
The thing with relationships is a lot of time you have to put in effort even when you really can't be bothered just to keep them sweet.

It's finding the right balance that's the hard part.
 
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