Seperation, Divorce and young children - am I a bad man/husband/father?

tbh, if both parents are more happy apart than together, then its better for children because then they dont have constant arguing or grumpy parents, they have 2 happy parents etc, as long as the children dont become spoiled and have rules to follow, then im sure they will grow up normal
 
Well, I'm sure I'll be dismissed as "unconstructive", but yes - you are a bad husband and father, I'm afraid to say. You cheated on your wife by having an affair, and you've not sorted it out. It's not a wonder that things are going wrong. It doesn't sound like you've made too much effort to talk about it or to sort things out (maybe you have, but it's not obvious), which is kinda understandable as marriage is very hard work, but with that in mind it's again not surprising that things are falling apart. You can't just expect marriage - or any relationship - to just work. You have to make a lot of effort to keep things working and that means talking about problems and working to sort them out. It appears to be a great myth that marriage just works and everything will be perfect, but it isn't, so everyone just gets divorced without actually trying to fix things, which is just silly.

I think you've underestimated just how much having children changes your life. Things will never be the same, and you have to roll with it and be prepared to change. You have to accept that your wife will change with having kids, because it it tiring stuff. That's just how it is.

Also, you were a fool to stay in touch with the woman in Oxford. You can call that a personal attack if you like, and I'll take a ban like a man if I have to, but that was not a wise decision. If you wanted to sort your marriage out you should have severed all contact with her and committed yourself to your marriage. You've brought it on yourself to some extent, because by keeping going with her you'll have taken your attention and efforts away from the marriage, which you should have been focussing on. You can not do marriage in a half-arsed way - it requires 100% commitment.

Anyway. I'm going to catch enough flak from the divorcees around here as it is, so I'll stop now.

Basically... you're not the first man to deal with a drop in sex and your wife changing when you have kids. Countless others deal with it, so you should be able to. It's sad that you haven't put all your efforts into doing that.

Also, for those who question my credentials, I've been married two years and have a 6 month old daughter. You can call me in 6 years and ask me if I'm divorced. I won't be.
 
Damn I was expecting a punchline at the bottom :( I'm gutted.




And in response to the OP... "the grass is always greener".

I wouldnt say you are a bad father or a bad husband. I'd say you simply failed at being a husband. I know its easy for me to say having been married a total of around 3 months but personally I have made a decision and I am gonna stick to it for the rest of my life.

Its not exactly a big secret that things turn somewhat south when the ladies hit 40+. They get to 55+ and then they dont even have sex drive ;) While us men carry on wanting to get our end away until the day we die.

Its why pr0n was invented. Teenagers and married men.
 
darkblade said:
Unconstructive posts like this help no one. The idea of a public forum is to express views - it doesn't give you the right to **** someone off.
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Exactly, a public forum to express your views. Read your own post and apply it to yourself ;)
 
Whoever has done what, it's still sad when a relationship breaks down, especially when there are kids involved. Sure, I think you should have stayed away from the affair coz all it can lead to is disaster and a delusion that the grass is greener on the other side, and she becomes such a thrilling contrast to your home life that you think you're in love (not saying you aren't).

I've been married for over six years now and we have a two kids and as vonhelmet has said they change your life forever. If we had no kids I'd be thinking seriously of getting out of here asap as I've got to the stage where I realise I might have made a total mistake in marrying her as she's nothing like the woman I thought she was (leaving aside the fortunes she's running up on credit and store cards she can't afford to pay off). But, I just couldn't start an affair with someone, despite the opportunities, since it would simply be a reaction to the current situation, and would just lead down the same path as before.

Anyway, to the original question. Can you be a good father? Yes, but you'll find it bloody hard, and if you end up in Oxfordshire when your kids are in Glasgow then are you really going to see them every week? It will take great committment to ensure that your kids keep you to the forefront of their minds unless you see them on a regular basis It would be too easy just to send birthday cards and presents and expect them to welcome you with open arms when you decide to visit unless you are a close part of them growing up, especially as they are so young.

I'm not going to have a go at you, sounds like you've given yourself a good beating already. It's human nature, you've obviously not been able to help yourself and you find yourself in the situation you're in now. In such cases I always think the best thing to do is pull your socks up, admit past mistakes, learn from the experience and deal with the new situation as best you can giving your kids the most you can. I personally would stay away from the other woman unless you can guarantee it's just going to be casual relationship or you are absolutely sure that it's love.

Good luck and if you want a pint in Glasgow I'll allow you to buy me one :p
 
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Thanks for all the replies, Ive taken them all in some way constructivly.

My parents were divorced when I was 5/6. cant remember exactly but my dad used to beat the crap out of my mum, last time I saw him I was chasing his car down the street with a squash reacket with a killing on my mind as he had come to see us on his once ina blue moon visit and pushed my mumdown some stairs when she asked for more maintanence., that was when i was 14, Im now 33 and have heard hide nor hare of him since.
I saw the whole fighting/bad relationship first hand, maybe that had a bad effect on me, I dont know for sure.

I realise now I should have ended things with my now wife when I first thought it was all going wrong and felt like i wanted out...nothing like hindsight eh.

I intend to live as near as I can to be near my kids as much as a I can and were trying(wife and me) to remain amicable.

Im not leaping(as much as I would like to) into a relationship with lady from Oxford, I owe it to my family to be around abeit remotely and local to them.

If at the end of the day I split from my wife and kids and nothing continues with lady from Oxford so be it, Im resolved to what ever happens.

I know lots of people from divorced relationships, from marriages that held together when they should have split and people that have had afairs and others that have trucked off wen the kids were 16 saying "I never loved you anyway".
It all sucks an dthe human damage is immense, i know, Ive seen it and now Im in it. It makes you feel like a failure because you feel you should be able to deal with the issues you have. Relationships are hard work, I know.
I did put a lot of effort into the marriage, problem is I shouldnt have been in the relationship past a certain point t start with.

You cant force yourself to love/want to be with someone.

Id rather sperate now and at least the kids will see us not fighting and will get both of us in better moods and environements than it is now.

I realise Ive not covered all points posted, will have a look back over them tomorow.
Thanks again.

Edit: Snash, I may take you up on that offer - I work in Glasgow centre.
 
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All i can say its your a muppet, i dont mean that in a nasty way but in a general, your a muppet kind of way.

You didnt know how you felt about her yet you where planning pregnancy number 1, you still didnt know how you felt and had pregnancy number 2. So you brought 2 children into the world knowing that they would have a rocky future.

Nothing anyone says here can change whats happened, all i can say is, your children need to come first, but that doesnt mean spoil them.

You need to speak to their mum in private and set some ground rules now, things like not spoiling them, not slagging each other off behind your backs, agree about dealing with problems/discipline and visitation rights. Oh, and you paying your fair share for them.

Other than that, hope it all works out.
 
kippermitten said:
<snip>

Edit: Snash, I may take you up on that offer - I work in Glasgow centre.
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Me too mate (Charing Cross), Email in trust if you want to drop me a line. Was thinking of getting the youngster Windle to arrange another Glasgow meet anyway :)
 
Cant be a good situation to be in. Some things can be worked out , but i guess if you arent happy then its pointless kidding yourself.

My mam and dad are divorced, its funny though, whenever i have a few beers with my dad and he gets ****** it all comes out, its clear that he regrets everything. I dont think hes happier now than he was with my mam, guess he was just young and wanting to play the field lol
 
kippermitten said:
Two years in (2001) I started to get the itch, wasnt sure if this was what I wanted(to be really honest, I wasnt as attracted to her anymore) so we talked about it and I took some time out, all good as we got back togther to see if it would work...OMFG Pregnant!
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Wouldnt it of been wise to take some precaution whilst " seeing if it would work ". If you had any sense, you wouldnt of waited until you had children to decide you werent in love. In answer to your question, yes, you are a bad man, you are a bad husband and you don't deserve to be called a father.
 
kippermitten said:
She changed so radically since having kids
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It's a good job that one of you did for their sake.

kippermitten said:
fun is not on the menu ever
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She had a cheating deceitful husband, since when was that a barrel of laughs?

kippermitten said:
where I ve not changed aside from being a father and family man
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Simply having kids doesn't make you a family man.

kippermitten said:
I truly feel terrible right now but understand that Ive made my bed therefore must lie in it and deal with everything as best I can.
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I hope for your sake your kids forgive you, in a few years, maybe even 10-20 years, you will realise what you have missed out on

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it sounds like you have some growing up to do.

How old are you?
 
Im 33.

We had decided to try for kids already and it was shortly after that I started to become unsure how things were going. Timing wasnt good really but at the time I put it down to nerves about having kids so on and so forth.
 
I_Am_Vengeance said:
Wouldnt it of been wise to take some precaution whilst " seeing if it would work ". If you had any sense, you wouldnt of waited until you had children to decide you werent in love. In answer to your question, yes, you are a bad man, you are a bad husband and you don't deserve to be called a father.
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The first one, possibly. Second yes, I am. Third, I dont agree. I love my children and am trying to protect them from a sham marriage where we fight all the time.
 
People have been somewhat harsh.. although I agree with a few points. You have taken a selfish and somewhat distant view to the situation it appears. You didn't mention if you had spoken to your wife about the lack of sex or your feelings towards the relationship.
If it had been me in her position, I certainly would have liked the opportunity to fix any issues before you made that decision for the both of you.

I'm sure a relationship with no kids or any of those domestic issues like bill paying is relatively more appealing, but I would echo what others have said about perhaps not seeing it too clearly at the moment because it is performing as an escape for you from your current situation, and no relationship should start that way.

On the other hand, I do agreed that being seperated is better than living together and arguing.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are only beginning to realise the consequences of recent years. Life happens. The best you can do now is figure out how to carry on while keeping in your kids life as much as possible and spending some time figuring out what you really want, now you're out of the family setting.
 
Consequences of actions, oh boy is that ever the case.
If anything replies to this have put things into perspective as well as give views onto how other people feel about this.

Crystaline - Yes we have had talks about the problems we had/are having all the way through. Weve had very good times and very bad times and your average Ok times a lot of the times too. Problem is when your feelings towards some one change so much you no longer want to be with them(regardless of AN Other) you can only do so much before you either leave or live a lie.
Living a lie has proved my undoing as I cant pretend to love someone who needs that love reciprocated(sp?). The past two years have been loveless for both of us it would seem, second child, work and stuff all tend too keep you busy and we didnt see the wood for the trees when we may have been able to do somthing about it.
Part of me wishes I could live that lie but thats not the answer.
 
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kippermitten said:
Consequences of actions, oh boy is that ever the case.
If anything replies to this have put things into perspective as well as give views onto how other people feel about this.

Crystaline - Yes we have had talks about the problems we had/are having all the way through. Weve had very good times and very bad times and your average Ok times a lot of the times too. Problem is when your feelings towards some one change so much you no longer want to be with them(regardless of AN Other) you can only do so much before you either leave or live a lie.
Living a lie has proved my undoing as I cant pretend to love someone who needs that love reciprocated(sp?). The past two years have been loveless for both of us it would seem, second child, work and stuff all tend too keep you busy and we didnt see the wood for the trees when we may have been able to do somthing about it.
Part of me wishes I could live that lie but thats not the answer.
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I agree, that is why my final paragraph was about the realistic future. I didn't and wouldn't suggest living a lie, rather to have some time to yourself to make sure your head is the clearest it can be for any future decisions.
I would say it sounds like you have made some mistakes, but I wish you luck with your future.
 
There's no point in telling you that you've made mistakes in your relationship, because it's in the past, and you can't change them. All you can do from this point onwards is learn from what you have done, and hope you don't make the same mistakes twice.

You may think that you are doing the best for your children by staying together and being unhappy, but you're not. Even really young kids pick up arguments, and it hurts them. The best thing for two parents who aren't in love any more to do, is break it off and try to have as friendly a relationship as possible.

I think that you need to step back from everything for a while. You clearly don't love your wife any more, and you have to just take that huge step. It will only get harder for everyone involved (and I'm including your children here), the longer you leave it. Don't leave for the other woman, leave for yourself. The best thing for you to do once you've done so, is to spend some time alone. It's so easy to project feelings for someone you once loved onto someone new and uncomplicated. You need to get your head together and decide if what you feel really is genuine, and you can't do that if you jump straight into a full on relationship with the other woman.

Don't go out by arguing with your wife. That's the sort of thing that causes kids to hate their parents. Keep it calm, and think about the future. Good luck.
 
Well. The only way is forward. You're best apart quite obviously, for the sake of the kids and your own.
Now you need to concentrate on maintaining a civil relationship with the ex, and a firm and regular relationship with your kids. Nothing else matters (i'm referring to the new woman). If the ex gets a whiff of the new woman you can pretty much kiss a relationship with her and your kids goodbye, whether you think otherwise or not, that's how it would turn out.

So basically: Find a house/flat that's nearby the kids, ideally somewhere familiar to them, on the same road as their school or close friends etc (I'm going on experience here, I hated going to my mothers house as a kid because I knew no-one and it was unfamiliar). Then see them every weekend without fail and try to integrate into the weekday routine as much as possible. And try to be a little liberal and approachable. The key here is damage control. You're dealing with the future mental state of 2 human beings, so for Christs sake do the right things, be careful and consider the kids primarily. And you can forget the new woman for at least the next 2 years, if you go near her the ex will melt, and the kids will resent you in the future, and that's a fact buddy. Knock it right on the head.
 
Was talking to the wife till 2am and couldnt sleep myself till 3.30.
Covered a lot of ground, one being custody. As far as Im concerned she has custody as she is having the house. I get access at weekends and some weeknights as yet to be determined.
It will probably be alternate weekends after a while as she will want to see them herself at the weekends.
I am leaving for me, even if I hadnt seen someone else at that certain point I belive something else would have happened and at somepint the end result may have been the same. Maybe, dont know, very tired now.
Im palnning to go and stay with my Mum for a few weeks, means I can work at our other office in London and be distant from everyone for a while.
I need to be truthfull(to a point) with everyone from now on and especially with myself to mae this all work as best it can. I know it wont be easy but I got myself into this mess so i have to get myself out.
Thanks for the words peeps, appreciated.
 
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