Shaping your children

jsmoke

jsmoke

jsmoke

Soldato
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How much can you shape your children's personalities, outlooks, path in life?

This is a nature vs nurture argument I suppose. So how much can you actually shape their path in life, and how much should you try too, for example could you bring up the next PM of the country with enough good schooling, teachings, encouragement, guidance, or is the old, 'do whatever your happy with' a better approach, or just let them get on with it and let the school/peers largely shape them.

Give them the best food, education, role models, environment, mentoring, for a start but that doesn't guarantee success and a good life I suppose.
 
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99% successfully. Given unlimited funding and time I would be happy to raise the next PM. (Muhahahahah)

But as you say "doing what you are happy with" is probably the more moral way to raise a child, mine at least when the time comes.

Sure some very important Keystones are put in by the parents but ultimately at the right age they are to make their own decisions based on my instilled morality and ethical sense. (or lack of)

I shouldn't have kids, probably :(
 
My wife and I have different views on this. Her opinion is that you can very much shape what the children become. But while I agree that you can influence them to some degree their innate personality will drive what they become. What you can do, though, is give them the best environment in which to grow and develop.

Try to get them into a good school. Try to live in a good area if you can afford it so that they don't fall into bad company. Very importantly try to show them how lucky that they are compared to many people in the world and hopefully they will appreciate it and make the most of their life. Give them experiences that they will remember.

My wife is very driven in terms of education. I am to some degree but my parents were a bit more 60's hippies so I'm more relaxed and just want them to find their passion in life. I don't want them to be poor but I'd rather they were "ok" and happy , rather than rich if it meant they were unhappy do get there.

Unfortunately it's inevitable in my eyes that we become more like our parents as we get older. I can see it in my mum becoming like her mum and myself becoming more like my grumpy old dad :)

So there is a degree of truth to the saying that you should look at your girlfriends mum before deciding to marry her :)
 
Hades said:
My wife is very driven in terms of education. I am to some degree but my parents were a bit more 60's hippies so I'm more relaxed and just want them to find their passion in life. I don't want them to be poor but I'd rather they were "ok" and happy than rich if it meant they were unhappy.
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You've always struck me as having a hippy streak... :D
 
jsmoke said:
could you bring up the next PM of the country with enough good schooling, teachings, encouragement, guidance
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Nope, if you wanted them to become the next PM, you'd need to teach them how to lie, cheat and generally screw over other people in order to push their own agenda... :p
 
I think you can shape children through nurturing within the confines of their genetic limits, which are hereditary. For example, I doubt there's many Olympic athletes out there that could have been shaped as a child into the next Steven Hawking. That's not say they couldn't have gotten a PhD and excelled in their field, but there are biological limitations.
 
jsmoke said:
How much can you shape your children's personalities, outlooks, path in life?

This is a nature vs nurture argument I suppose. So how much can you actually shape their path in life, and how much should you try too, for example could you bring up the next PM of the country with enough good schooling, teachings, encouragement, guidance, or is the old, 'do whatever your happy with' a better approach, or just let them get on with it and let the school/peers largely shape them.

Give them the best food, education, role models, environment, mentoring, for a start but that doesn't guarantee success and a good life I suppose.
Click to expand...

Why would you raise your child to be a compulsive liar?
 
there's a limit to how much you can input to them as a kid, once in school and growing into teenage years they'll get influences from so many sources and start to make their own lessons in life.

probably the most important thing to instil is a good work ethic, if you manage to do that then success is almost guaranteed.
 
I think not instilling bad things is probably more important than instilling good ones.

Bigots always come from bigotted parents. Kids growing up with debt-ridden types who flash their cash never learn the value of money. Etc.

Once they hit their teens, then their peers become the primary influence, especially if they go through the 'rebel against parents' phase.

This is from my experiences as a child, not a parent.
 
I think that it can be pretty difficult as a parent because it can be hard to not instil many of your own bad habits(as it were) while raising them. "Do as I say, not as I do" is never really gonna work ultimately we, as a species, copy what we see other people regard as acceptable in order to learn. As soon as you (as a parent) act in a certain way in front of your child you are telling your child that that is an acceptable way to behave.

I also agree with hamster that as your child grows they become influenced my so many sources that it can be difficult for them to make the right choices and they can and will learn more undesirable behaviours as they grow from friends etc.

In theory, if your child has learned positive things from you early in life they will grow and develop more positive attributes. Also, it is important to try to avoid alienating children as they grow into young adults because it is easy to ostracise them by not letting them have their own opinions or make their own mistakes.
 
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I wonder if a child's own intelligence influences just how much they will be 'shaped' by the parent?

If we assume a parent shaping the child badly, do you think that there's a level of intelligence that child might have which would lead to them rejecting those lessons?
 
At a young age absolutely so, starting from the point of conception & early development in the womb the diet & state of mind of the mother influences in part how the baby develops - stress the mother & the baby has an increased chance of being depressed.

A poor diet or lack of nutrition will give the baby a statistically significantly higher chance of being obese. Once born the amount of contact & emotional & intellectual stimulus will hugely determine the capacity the child will have to learn, bond with others & make meaningful life choices.

To put it into perspective, a baby which is never held will quite often die - one who spends six months in darkness will grow up blind - as the necessary pathways don't develop.

The amount of control & influence we have with the generations is severely under-estimated.
 
Of course you can shape their lives. Children learn from their parents. Show them the difference between right and wrong, play and interact with them (i.e. dont' just throw an ipad at them) and encourage them to read and you will have a happy child.

This ipad generation is breeding a new generation of kids who just stare at screens and hardly interact with other kids which I find is a bit depressing if I'm honest. Interacting with other kids builds social skills that an ipad will never be able to. I personally think ipad use is just lazy parenting. SOMETIMES....and I say sometimes it's useful but far too often, especially where I live, I see parents throwing a tablet/ipad at thier kids as the parents are too busy with facebook or the mobile phone to parent their kids properly.

Primary 1 kids in nappies or not toilet trained are prime examples of kids who don't have proper parenting.
 
I think early development is so important. If done well, by the time a person is old enough to start making their own minds up about things they will have good foundations of knowing right from wrong and should hopefully have a steady moral compass.

But I dont think the influence, or the lessons from our parents stop there. Speaking for myself, I have watched my parents grow and develop over the years. Witnessed their mistakes, and their successes and developed my own thoughts on how I might deal with similar situations if they arise in my own life. That is not to say my way will definitely be any more or less effective, but it will hopefully be a little more honed.

My parents are still learning and I try to take the lessons on board vicariously and try and remember them if I need them.
 
It isn't easy these days. We live under the belief that there are more options open to us. (Which isn't the truth) but that is what kids are taught to believe by schools.

Your kid will never become PM, unless of course he\she goes to Eaton and bumps shoulders with the elite and is connected. That is just a fact of life, and one which disproves the illusion of Democracy that we find ourselves in.

Embrace their positive interests and hopefully guide them towards a career which involves them. Happiness and fulfilment is key, and never live out your own regrets and aspirations through them.

Kids have their own personalities from a very young age. My boy is only 3 and he is very bossy, tends to be able to lead\guide (manipulate????) the other kids to do what he wants and they all like him for it. It is bizarre. It is an ability you can't quantify or set an exam for in schooling but it will help him one day.

Neither myself or his mother work in management jobs and are the complete opposite of him in that respect.

We've had to be very consistent on the same page when it comes to "No means no" and putting our foot down. Such a strong willed and stubborn blighter.

Got to teach what is right and wrong, but he seems to already understand the reasons why. You can see that little conscience whirring away and the puppy dog sulk when it sinks in. It's natural to them. He has remained on the 98th percentile line and is a big lad, so this has been very important and guiding him towards being a protector rather than a bully has already started.

Craft, puzzles, reading ...all this stuff keeps him happy and lots of time outdoors. Just glad we live in a city which is spaced out with lots of green places to take him with animals. Couldn't imagine trying to raise him in London.
 
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