Shared Parenting

I have a 14 y/o who I share responsibility with ex-wife no. 2
We work on a rolling 2 week calendar, nights being Thu/Fri/Sat, then Tue/Wed and vice versa the next week. His mum lives 10 minutes away. I now know what nights I have him, barring emergencies, until January 2017!

I had to impose this after getting messed around in terms of constant night swapping and my kid (and me) not knowing whether he was coming or going. He's not that keen on it but has been doing it for 2 years now. The 2 years before that were a disaster. Because it's now so regular, he doesn't moan too much. That and the fact he's now a non-communicative neaderthal adolescent

I also have a 18 y/o with ex-wife no.1 that lives 65 miles away who I've been collecting and dropping off every other weekend for the last 17 years...puff pant, almost there. He gets the train over now and I drop him back. Surprisingly, his visits haven't really tailed off as I thought they would

Add in a demanding job and frail parents who live 55 miles away and I have to visit every Saturday, leaves me with very little time

I've found the key was having an agreed calendar that EVERYBODY sticks to...that way I actually manage to have a girlfriend, but once that time's factored in there's little for anything else. I just have to look at the calendar and make the best use of what time I do have available. I'm lucky in that my kids and exes are reliable
 
Take her to soft play centers and other kiddie activity when you have her, you might meet a mum in the same situation as yourself and hit it off.

Gabbatek said:
Thanks guys for the input.

i wish i could have her during the week, but i finish work at 8pm, sometimes later depending how busy the hospital is and by the time i would have got to her it would be far too late.

I feel quite happy that i have her every weekend :)

one thing that i'm a bit lost on, how am i ever going to meet someone else when i am always so busy
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Op you sound like a top bloke and as hard as this situation might be for you sometimes your daughter will always know that her Daddy was always there for her, even if you can't afford to give her everything she wants or that your own personal life suffers a bit.

The thing is I tried to find someone over the past 2 years online and had many a weird and sometimes scary tale to tell. Then as I give up I meet someone who makes me the happiest I can ever remember being, who understands my situation and I see around my kids and stuff and it works. You'll find someone when you're supposed to is how I feel about things.
 
Cheers guys for your words of wisdom, its a great source of inspiration.

I like how we have our own single dads community here :D

i have signed up to an online dating site but i just can't be arsed to put the effort in :D too chilled out
 
Looks like im missing this weekend and being forced to go out for my birthday as she just assumed i would go out so she invited her grandad over from otherside of country.

Its times like this i feel like getting a visting order put in place
 
Draw up a calendar in excel marking the days (it works better having nights actually) you want to see your child and present it to your ex asking her to agree to it. If you are on ok terms, at least you'll get some buy-in and you'll (both) know what's going on...it's also a handy place to record what arrangements were agreed and whether they were stuck to...you never know where this is going to lead. It helps enormously if you both have a common understanding

You can't have a life if you don't know what you are doing from one week to the next

Reconfirm on a rolling basis what the plan is for the next 2 months and don't accept any changes (barring emergencies) less than 8 weeks away

If your ex is co-operative, everyone wins. If she isn't you're stuffed 'cos you'll be open to getting messed around at her convenience

Remember that for her, you having your daughter every weekend is a massive bonus - she's getting a social life at weekends
 
Stepdaughter spends alternate weekends with us and her dad and alternates which house she lives at every month. (Subject to her changing the arrangement to suit herself or depending which parent she has currently fallen out with over something or other...)

She used to just do alternate weeks, but she started to struggle with that when she started secondary school because she's so flipping disorganised and never had the right stuff in the right place for school.
 
Glad I saw this thread, nice to hear from other people in similar situations.

My ex and little man will be moving out and about 100 miles away in the coming weeks or months so I will soon be going from seeing him every day to seeing him every other weekend. I'd obviously like to see him much more but the distance and me working full time hugely limits what I can do, no weekday visits etc.

I hope in time my ex and her new partner will move somewhere closer as all her and little man's family live where I am so he'll be missing out on seeing grandparents, cousins etc too but time will tell on that.

I know it's going to be heart-breaking and just thinking about it upsets me but I'll do what I have to make it work and any and all time I can spend with him I shall and we'll do as many nice things together as possible to build our relationship and make nice memories for us both.

Would be great for this thread to keep running be a source of support for us all.
 
amigafan2003 said:
I'm confused - are you stating that you don't have your child enough or that you have them too much?

How much of a social life would you have if you and your wife were still together and you had your child all the time?

What's wrong with the other 5 days of the week to use for "socialising"?
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i think its more the only having the child on the days of.. instead of in the week where few people socailse
 
Sorry to hijack the thread, but how did those in this situation deal with not seeing your son/daughter as much at first? How long did it take to cope and adjust?

I'm in a very unhappy relationship, and it's making me miserable but I'm staying in it for my 1 year old son, and I'll put on an oscar winning performance every day so that he thinks we are happy. I just can't bring myself to not see him every day, getting up with him in the mornings and playing and then getting home from work to a big smile from him, just magical parts of every day, and losing that would destroy me at first. And he's so young still that I'll miss so much.

And my biggest fear is that because he is so young, if my girlfriend does meet someone new quickly, then my son will grow up with him more than he does me, and it would break my heart if he sees the new partner as more of a dad than me because he's in the house 24/7, if that makes sense.

But it's got to that point now where I am genuinely miserable and as much as I can act that I'm happy, he's such a clever little boy that I know he'll start picking up on stuff soon and for his sake, I can't be selfish and make him grow up in a miserable home.
 
Steedie said:
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You need to leave or deal with this now, sorry to say. In these cases you have to consider how your son will take it now versus how he will take it in a few years time. The older he gets the worse the transition will be. Either that or take a good hard look at your relationship and ask yourself is it beyond help?

You can still be a big part of his life and providing you manage it correctly he'll always look to you as Daddy, despite having another man in the house. You owe it to yourself, your partner and your boy to take action :)
 
ExRayTed said:
You need to leave or deal with this now, sorry to say. In these cases you have to consider how your son will take it now versus how he will take it in a few years time. The older he gets the worse the transition will be. Either that or take a good hard look at your relationship and ask yourself is it beyond help?

You can still be a big part of his life and providing you manage it correctly he'll always look to you as Daddy, despite having another man in the house. You owe it to yourself, your partner and your boy to take action :)
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What he says
Delaying it only makes it worse
If you make the effort you can still have a 'proper' relationship with him
Ex No.1 moved out taking my eldest when he was 15/16 months...17 years on I still see him every other week and I have a far better relationship with him than he does with his mum....he's a 1h 10m drive away as well
 
I get my 3 year old every Friday from nursery as I finish work at half 1. I take him back at 3pm on the Saturday. And the following weekend I get him same time Friday but take him back on the Sunday morning. My ex met a bloke pretty quickly and introduced him to our soon which kind of scared me a little bit and I was unsure how to react or what to feel. But it's been a while now and it's all good, she's calmed down and our arrangement is pretty solid. In regards to meeting other women, I met someone who I was with for about 9 months but she wanted kids in the future and to be honest I couldn't go through what i went through with my boys mam again. Ugh.

Little lad always comes first though, seeing his face on a Friday makes my week :)
 
Steedie said:
Sorry to hijack the thread, but how did those in this situation deal with not seeing your son/daughter as much at first? How long did it take to cope and adjust?

I'm in a very unhappy relationship, and it's making me miserable but I'm staying in it for my 1 year old son, and I'll put on an oscar winning performance every day so that he thinks we are happy. I just can't bring myself to not see him every day, getting up with him in the mornings and playing and then getting home from work to a big smile from him, just magical parts of every day, and losing that would destroy me at first. And he's so young still that I'll miss so much.

And my biggest fear is that because he is so young, if my girlfriend does meet someone new quickly, then my son will grow up with him more than he does me, and it would break my heart if he sees the new partner as more of a dad than me because he's in the house 24/7, if that makes sense.

But it's got to that point now where I am genuinely miserable and as much as I can act that I'm happy, he's such a clever little boy that I know he'll start picking up on stuff soon and for his sake, I can't be selfish and make him grow up in a miserable home.
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That sounds pretty awful but I think it's best for both you and your son in the long term if you seperate.
 
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