Significant age gaps in relationships

[Lysander]

Not "asking for a friend" but a general question.

What is a large age gap in relationships which actually works? 10 years, 15 years? More? I personally think that anything more than 10 is pushing it.

I'm asking because a friend, nearly 50, just got knocked back [again] by a girl in her mid 20s because he clearly still sees himself as being that age 'at heart'. I said to him that even if they hooked up it wouldn't work long-term anyway.

I know it all depends on what ages people are, but who here knows - or is part of - a couple with a 10+ year age gap, how long have they/you been together and what issues have been experienced which relate to said gap?

 

[Lysander]

Your 50 year old friend going for a 20 year old is a bit weird.

It is a bit weird, though I can't blame him for trying in this case. That said, to think that a relationship with a girl would work who is ~25 years your junior just looks like a serious case of denial and unwillingness to accept one's situation.

Divide by 2 plus 7.

So you think if someone is 50, 32 is OK? Still seems a bit young to me.

 

[Lysander]

I kinda get it though, clearly a 50 year old woman isn't what anyone really wants, at whatever age.

This is also a fair point. Another friend who is in his early 50s went online to look at all the single women his age and said they were all "disgusting". I sympathise.

 

[Lysander]

At 35 my limit would be (roughly) 25 to 40

It would only be 40 if the if the girl was active etc.

Actually a early 30s girl is the last type I'd want to date. They are likely to either have no kids and want them.. Soon. Or have young kids. Obviously if they don't want kids that's fine.

As someone who doesn't want kids if I was dating now I'd definitely consider someone older who's already done the kids thing

If you don't want kids I'd make that a [very] early relationship discussion. My wife and I had that discussion way before we married. The last thing you want is to find yourself in a situation where you don't want kids and she does, because that's only going to go one way.

 

[Lysander]

Too many stories of long relationships dying because one person thought the other might 'change their mind'

My ex did this, she tried to change my mind and insisted we'd have "a little Gothic baby". We split up.

Last I heard after we split up she met some guy and was married and up the duff within a year [may have been a bit longer, but it was around that].

 

[Lysander]

It's ridiculous. I just don't understand what goes through people's heads. It's something you cannot compromise on. And it's absolutely disgusting to 'trick' someone into it.

The thing is that some guys - a lot of guys - can be manipulated into it. I would even say most guys. You have to be absolutely dead set in your desire not to have kids to the point where you'd rather see the relationship end. But it is despicable to want to push someone into that. But it is also extremely common.

As someone once said to me on another site [4chan of all places] "men marry women hoping they'll never change, women marry men hoping they can change them".

It doesn't help people describe kids as a negative 90 percent of the time.
"he's always on his phone", "she's so ungrateful", "child care is so expensive", "enjoy your freedom while it l lasts, you'll have kids soon".

I can't remember who it was who said, "having kids is 20% amazing and 80% terrible" but it doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

 

[Lysander]

My wife is 13yrs older than me. We've been together around 12 years now, and married 10. She was 35 when we met and i 22.

The worst part is when people assume we're the same age

I think it can work the other way. I once dated someone 11 years older than me, it didn't cause any issues that I can recall. In fact I enjoyed the maturity difference. We only split because she lived so far away [I think, I might be wrong].

 

[Lysander]

May I draw your attention to:

https://www.ranker.com/crowdranked-list/sexiest-women-over-50

Yeah but come on, that's like saying a lot of women who have kids look like Adriana Lima when they clearly don't. Sure, there are some women over 50 who are attractive, but most aren't.

EDIT: Just seen that you actually agree with my point so yes, we agree with each other, by the looks of things. I think over 50 it's possible to get an attractive woman, but a lot harder.

 

[Lysander]

Also, plastic surgery is a huge no.

Depends. Sometimes it can be OK if it's done subtly and tastefully.

 

[Lysander]

Im 45 this year my fiancee is 33. No problems so far. Been together 10 years

Clearly you will do 'that' then.

 

[Lysander]

Don't get me wrong, I socialise fine with people in their mid-20s even though I am almost 40, but the idea of dating a twenty-something and all the associated drama, no thanks!

I've always thought that girls in their mid 20s are the most annoying people on Earth. They think they're mature when they're not, and they still have the youthful energy to go with their misplaced arrogance.

 

[Lysander]

Might become more common since Covid, given how the young adults have apparently been more finanically hit.

Hmm maybe. I know a totally stunning girl in her early 20s, Somalian, who ended up with a 60 year old guy. I found it quite repulsive but it was consensual though somewhat aggressively initiated by her. She was only in for the money, since he was quite well off.

 

[Lysander]

Following your line of thinking though, check out James Howard Marshall II (89) and Anna Nichole Smith (26)

Or Hugh Hefner [84] and Crystal Harris [23].

Obviously true love. No financial motivation whatsoever.

 

[Lysander]

I don't think age matters too much, but when you get beyond about 20 years difference it might be a problem. I'm 32 and my girlfriend is 18 years younger, but we make it work.

I'm sorry, your girlfriend is 14? How on Earth do you "make that work"?

 

[Lysander]

Electronic tag?
https://www.gov.uk/electronic-tags

Have her parents grounded her for not doing her homework?

Also... 17yrs - 3 years together = 14yrs old. So you were dating a 14 year old while you were 29?

Obviously they've found a way to make it work [after the tag is lifted and she's ungrounded].

 

[Lysander]

Found it - https://mobile.twitter.com/mustachetoilet/status/1272176595235569667

What does OCUK think about this

She's attractive, he's done well.

 

[Lysander]

Yeah I've heard someone mention about planning that. I was disgusted, and said as much. I don't think most people would. But it does happen. I can't even imagine. It's like a life sentence

One of my exes told me her friend said to her, "I don't care who I have a child with as long as I have one". That sounds crazy but it's honesty. I think it's really how a lot of women feel.

 

[Lysander]

And that's how we have the on going problem of broken families and single mothers.

If those women didn't have the help of Daddy Government, they would think twice about having a child without a reliable father.

It's the reason why the word "babydaddy" exists. Sign of the times. I've heard it used totally unironically as well, such as, "oh, she had a kid, who's the babydaddy?" rather than "who's the father?". Just weird.