Significant age gaps in relationships

[Lysander]

Not "asking for a friend" but a general question.

What is a large age gap in relationships which actually works? 10 years, 15 years? More? I personally think that anything more than 10 is pushing it.

I'm asking because a friend, nearly 50, just got knocked back [again] by a girl in her mid 20s because he clearly still sees himself as being that age 'at heart'. I said to him that even if they hooked up it wouldn't work long-term anyway.

I know it all depends on what ages people are, but who here knows - or is part of - a couple with a 10+ year age gap, how long have they/you been together and what issues have been experienced which relate to said gap?

 

[Semple]

I would agree, 10 years is typically a "generation", so crossing generations would typically mean different tastes in things like music/film/fashion, different experiences and different interests.

Your 50 year old friend going for a 20 year old is a bit weird. I get that she's an adult, but she's basically old enough to be his daughter.

 

[Zefan]

Divide by 2 plus 7.

 

[Bassmansam]

5 probably before things in common start becoming less.

 

[Lysander]

Your 50 year old friend going for a 20 year old is a bit weird.

It is a bit weird, though I can't blame him for trying in this case. That said, to think that a relationship with a girl would work who is ~25 years your junior just looks like a serious case of denial and unwillingness to accept one's situation.

Divide by 2 plus 7.

So you think if someone is 50, 32 is OK? Still seems a bit young to me.

 

[Randomface74]

I kinda get it though, clearly a 50 year old woman isn't what anyone really wants, at whatever age.

Only money is gonna overcome that kind of age gap tho.

 

[Gray2233]

I imagine most people would struggle with a significant age gap, personally I'd try to stay within 5 years of any potential partners with 10 being the absolute maximum. While there are cases of people genuinely pulling off relationships with age gaps like you've described, I expect they're few and far between. I'd even go so far to say that a 50 + year old hitting on someone in their 20's is a little bit creepy if I'm honest. Your 'friend' is old enough to be her father and at a very different stage in his life, if his intent is to form an actual relationship with someone that age it's very likely things will go south.

 

[Ayahuasca]

The biggest gap I know of was a friend at schools parents, 22 year age gap between them and as far as I know, they're still together, his father will be around 70 now.

 

[Zefan]

It is a bit weird, though I can't blame him for trying in this case.

I can. It shows where his priority lies, there's absolutely no way I would entertain the idea of a 20, and I'm only in my 30s. People that young almost without exception have no idea what they're doing in life, which is something I'd find insufferable tbh.

 

[Lysander]

I kinda get it though, clearly a 50 year old woman isn't what anyone really wants, at whatever age.

This is also a fair point. Another friend who is in his early 50s went online to look at all the single women his age and said they were all "disgusting". I sympathise.

 

[DanTheMan]

It seems to get less relevant as you get older but even so, someone in their 50s trying to bang someone in their 20s is clearly not in it for the personality match.

 

[413x]

At 35 my limit would be (roughly) 25 to 40

It would only be 40 if the if the girl was active etc.

Actually a early 30s girl is the last type I'd want to date. They are likely to either have no kids and want them.. Soon. Or have young kids. Obviously if they don't want kids that's fine.

As someone who doesn't want kids if I was dating now I'd definitely consider someone older who's already done the kids thing

 

[UTmaniac]

Might become more common since Covid, given how the young adults have apparently been more finanically hit.

 

[Lysander]

At 35 my limit would be (roughly) 25 to 40

It would only be 40 if the if the girl was active etc.

Actually a early 30s girl is the last type I'd want to date. They are likely to either have no kids and want them.. Soon. Or have young kids. Obviously if they don't want kids that's fine.

As someone who doesn't want kids if I was dating now I'd definitely consider someone older who's already done the kids thing

If you don't want kids I'd make that a [very] early relationship discussion. My wife and I had that discussion way before we married. The last thing you want is to find yourself in a situation where you don't want kids and she does, because that's only going to go one way.

 

[413x]

Might become more common since Covid, given how the young adults have apparently been more finanically hit.

I bet there will be a rise in camming, escorting, 'gamer' girls etc. I certainly would if I was in that position.

That is one thing girls have. No matter how bad money gets, if you're willing to anything, vast amounts of cash are there.

Guys simply don't have that option.

 

[413x]

If you don't want kids I'd make that a [very] early relationship discussion. My wife and I had that discussion way before we married. The last thing you want is to find yourself in a situation where you don't want kids and she does, because that's only going to go one way.

I absolutely agree. Even when I was in my 20s I told my dates within the early stages I didn't want kids. I usually think people who don't want kids won't be put off by that. And anybody who does will be shocked.

Too many stories of long relationships dying because one person thought the other might 'change their mind'

Absolutely no point in holding back. You only waste everyone's time.

I haven't got enough money, time or life to have kids and still have a life

 

[Lysander]

Too many stories of long relationships dying because one person thought the other might 'change their mind'

My ex did this, she tried to change my mind and insisted we'd have "a little Gothic baby". We split up.

Last I heard after we split up she met some guy and was married and up the duff within a year [may have been a bit longer, but it was around that].

 

[413x]

My ex did this, she tried to change my mind and insisted we'd have "a little Gothic baby". We split up.

Last I heard after we split up she met some guy and was married and up the duff within a year.

It's ridiculous. I just don't understand what goes through people's heads. It's something you cannot compromise on. And it's absolutely disgusting to 'trick' someone into it.

Only positive for me about kids I could think of is it opens up many many more dating options.
There must be magical moments too. Like teaching them stuff.

But I know I'm quite disorganised, I'm only now at stage have a house and enough spare cash for holidays etc. Last thing I want is to have a kid land and all that be gone forever.

It doesn't help people describe kids as a negative 90 percent of the time.
"he's always on his phone", "she's so ungrateful", "child care is so expensive", "enjoy your freedom while it l lasts, you'll have kids soon".

At least dating someone 40+ kids is probably done

 

[potatolord]

I would agree, 10 years is typically a "generation", so crossing generations would typically mean different tastes in things like music/film/fashion, different experiences and different interests.

Your 50 year old friend going for a 20 year old is a bit weird. I get that she's an adult, but she's basically old enough to be his daughter.

10 years age gap- my wife is 10 years younger than me. Our tastes are wildly different, but that's been the case with most of my girlfriends, really. No issues arise from the age gap, other than she doesn't know how terrible the 70s were.

I think the 50 to 22 gap is likely to be a two week fling. It would probably be fun while it lasted.

 

[Randomface74]

it's absolutely disgusting to 'trick' someone into it. [having kids]

Anyone know if this is a crime? I think it should be.