West Ham United used him to acquire Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano on the cheap. And ended up with over £30million worth of fines, compensation payments and legal bills.
Manchester United used him to bring Tevez to Old Trafford on another loan. And ended up in an ugly dispute over his demands that the Argentine be made the Premier League's best paid player.
Manchester City used him to make the forward theirs instead, agreeing an annual salary package worth €7.5million -- net. And ended up with a player who refused to warm up for a Champions League match, went AWOL in Argentina in pursuit of a discounted departure from the club, and never scored at the same rate again.
Fulham used him to hire Mark Hughes as manager. And ended up with the Welshman walking out a year later because he wanted “to be right up there competing in the Champions League positions, up there competing for titles.”
Queens Park Rangers used him to sign Hughes after those wishes had been placed in abeyance. And ended up paying the manager off as they spiraled toward relegation.
He is Kia Joorabchian, and football clubs work with him at their peril. First brought to prominence as the front for Media Sports Investment's messy partnership with Corinthians in 2004 (Sao Paulo's biggest club ended up relegated, too), Joorabchian Is, by his own account, “not a football agent and I don't practice as an agent.”
His company does, however, work with agents, and he has sometimes admitted that it offers services most of the football world would associate with agency, such as advising clubs on transfers and players contracts.
And then there are the times when Joorabchian attempts to duck responsibility.
"I'm always interested to read or hear that I was responsible for so many of the players signed by QPR last season," Joorabchian informed the BBC recently. "In fact my company was only involved with the signing of one, Julio Cesar."
Of the 16 senior players recruited by QPR during Mark Hughes' 10-and-a-half months as manager, 10 arrived last summer. Though Joorabchian claims involvement solely in perhaps the most successful of those -- Brazil's national team goalkeeper -- the club itself says differently.
According to a senior source at QPR, the Anglo-Iranian businessman “was middle man on most deals”. The highly paid trio of Jose Bosingwa (who refused to be listed as a substitute), Andrew Johnson (who managed just four appearances all season), and Robert Green (signed to great fanfare then rapidly supplanted by the still-more-expensive Julio Cesar) all came to Loftus Road via Joorabchian.
Deals for Bobby Zamora, Samba Diakite, Fabio and Armand Traore all involved Joorabchian, who also took on the representation of malcontent playmaker Adel Taarabt, adds the source. Moreover, 'non-agent' Joorabchian also worked on a bizarre attempt to sign Rolando from FC Porto.
Having rejected AS Roma's €8million offer to buy the Portugal defender, Porto accepted QPR's offer of a €2 loan fee with a €10m option to buy. Though their technical director, Antero Henrique, pressured Rolando to accept the move, and their coach told him he would no longer be a starter if he refused to go, the player did exactly that.
“With all respect to QPR I didn't consider them to be a team for my level," Rolando later explained. "What I find hard to understand is why Porto rejected an offer of €8m from Roma at the beginning of August and then told me to move to QPR for a €2m loan fee and an option of €10m. This I find hard to explain."
At Manchester City, where he once advised on some of English football's most expensive transactions, Joorabchian's name is now a dirty word. At QPR, they regard him as a major factor in their demise and say they have ceased using him.
The hardest part to explain is why they ever did.