TFIF

Caporegime
Joined
25 Jul 2003
Posts
40,464
Location
FR+UK
Dave is a hedge fund manager, and has decided he's sick of his job. And so he decides to take six months out of the rat race and head out to Africa for a tour of the game parks. He has the time of his life, seeing lions, giraffes, and doing some big game hunting. He is a member of the local gun club back home in Minnesota, where he's always been a crack shot and won several tournaments. The biggest thing he's ever shot though is a deer, so he's excited about hunting wild game.

One day, as he's tracking a Bison he hears a strange, strangled trumpeting noise from behind a wild thicket. His interest piqued, he decides to investigate, and so leaves the trail - despite being advised not too. The noise gets louder and more panicked the closer he gets, when suddenly he steps into a clearing in the the thicket and sees a large elephant with it's leg caught in a trap.

The elephant is obviously in a lot of pain, and it's simply screaming and trumpeting whilst stamping its free legs. Dave can't bear to see an animal in pain like this, and so despite his sense of self preservation decides he's going to help. He approaches the elephant very, very slowly from the front. All the while the elephant is screaming in pain, and staring at the approaching human with anger. Closer and closer gets Dave, and then he gingerly put his hand on the elephants trapped leg. The elephant immediately quietens down, and lowers his eye to meet Daves'. Dave doesn't move for what feels like a day, and then slowly begins to open the trap. The elephant screams in pain again, but slowly begins to understand what Dave is doing, and so allows the tiny human to continue. An hour later, and the elephants leg is free, Dave proceeds, again agonisingly slowly, to bandage the leg. The elephant screams in pain again, but is happy this time to let Dave work his first aid magic.

Finally Dave is finished. He pats the elephant on the leg, and doesn't move as the elephant lets out a huge trumpeting roar, and then goes deathly quiet whilst staring at Dave. Finally the elephant turns and trots off into the savannah. Dave is still petrified, but glad he helped the animal.

Fifteen years later, and Dave has married a lovely woman, and had a son; Dave Jr. One day Dave Jr asks his dad if they can go to the zoo, and so Dave agrees - he's always been fond of animals after all. And so off they go. They visit the Pandas, the penguins, and as they're going through the monkey enclosure, Dave hears a familiar trumpeting. Suddenly, a wave of emotion and memories flood over him, it surely can't be? He decides that he has to find out.

So he picks his son up and runs over to the elephant cage, where he sees a familiar elephant, and sure enough it has a scar on one of its legs. Overcome with tears Dave looks around, and seeing no guards decides to climb the fence and go and stroke the elephant. After all, they *always* remember. And so he scales the fence, and stands absolutely still. The elephant notices him and begins to trumpet even louder, and approaches him, slowly. Dave also starts to move, approaching the elephant slowly and warily, the memory of the savannah overwhelming him. The elephant stops dead in front of him, and lowers his eye to meet Daves'. Dave reaches out his hand to pat the elephant.

And suddenly the elephant reaches out with his trunk and grabs Dave. It then proceeds to crush him, with Dave letting out a blood-curdling scream. And, using the incredibly strong muscles in his trunk smashes him against the fence, and into a concrete pillar, smashing his skull and killing him instantly in front of his son and the crowd of onlookers.

Turns out it wasn't the same elephant after all.​
 
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A duck walks into a pub and waddles up to the bar. "A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep". The barman is obviously quite surprised by this, but being so shocked serves a pint of the local tipple and a sandwich. The duck eats, pays up leaving a big tip and leaves.

The following day, the duck walks into the pub again, and waddles up to the bar. "A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep". The barman is again shocked, and without thinking serves him a pint of local ale and a sandwich which the duck greedily consumes. Again after leaving a big tip, the duck leaves.

The next day, the same duck walks into the pub, and waddles up to the bar. "A pint of local ale and a sandwich please, barkeep". The barman looks at him shrewdly, and serves him. As the duck is leaving, the barman says to him "can I ask you a question?" "Sure, go ahead" replies the duck.

"I'm not complaining, because you're a good customer, but whats the story? Every day you come in here and, with your quaint but antiquated language order a pint and sandwich, leave too big a tip, and then leave without saying a word." The duck nods slowly, and steps a bit close to the barman. "Well, you see, I'm working on the building site opposite, on a two week contract. So infact, if you can serve me a different local ale every day and one of your fine sandwiches, I'll be sure to carry on tipping as I do and make no fuss." The barman obviously agrees, and so this continues for the rest of the fortnight.

On the final day of his contract, the barman has his ale and sandwich ready, and as the duck comes to the bar to collect them he leans over excitedly. "I've a friend in the circus, I know your job is coming to an end and I think you'd be great for him!"

The duck raises an eyebrow. "The circus?"

The barman nods enthusiastically, "Yeah the one down the road."

The duck looks at him. "The circus, down the road?"

The barman nods, smiling. "Yeah, the circus, down the road, past the post office."

The duck looks at him, a bit more seriously. "The circus, down the road, past the post office."

The barman smiles, "Yeah, the circus, down the road, past the post office. In the farmers field."

The duck looks confused. "The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field?"

The barman, still genial, replies "Yep. The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind the big grey fence."

The duck stares back at the barman, blankly. "The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind a big grey fence?"

The barman is beginnging to lose his good nature now. "Yes. The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, it's behind a big grey fence. The huge red and white tent, you can't miss it."

The duck looks at the barman as if he's stupid. "The circus, down the road, past the post office, in the farmers field, behind a big grey fence, in a huge red and white tent I can't miss?"

The barman is beginning to be a little exasperated now. "Yes. Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole in the middle of the tent."

The duck is now completely lost. Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole in the middle of the tent?"

The barman has gone red and shouts, "GAH! Circus. Down the road. Post office. Farmers field, big grey fence. Red and white tent. HUGE pole. Guy ropes EVERYWHERE."

The duck scratches his beak and slowly replies, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"​
 
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.





I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper the other day.

Yes, I was dicing with death!





A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
 
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