The all new old joke thread

[The Dread Pirate]

I don't get why a Russian and an American would be drinking at a bar, plus if it was a Russian surely it'd be a Cosmonaut.

Da!

 

[porushinobu]

Da!

lies my silly word twisting friend has to be right! theres no other explanation XD

 

[The_Bullet]

Oscar Pistorius is looking at firing his lawyers and hiring Celtics,as they lost both legs and still won.

 

[gregorius]

Zeno tries to walk into a bar.

 

[Zethor]

Zeno tries to walk into a bar.

LOL, this reminds of a joke which circulated during the the faster than light neutrino measurement error, a few years back.


The bartender says "We don't serve neutrinos here."
A neutrino walks into a bar.

 

[Judge Mental]

Who killed more Indians than Custer?

Union Carbide.


Irish teenage girl: "Oh no I'm pregnant, what shall I do?"

Girl's Mother: "Don't worry, maybe it isn't yours"

 

[TheBDog]

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

 

[Cosimo]

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

 

[Skeeter]

How do you get a bear out of a cheese tree?
"Camembert!"

How does a Welshman handle his cheese?
"Caerphilly!"

What kind of cheese can you hide a horse in?
"Mascarpone!"

 

[Sliver]

I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

Thanks. I'm available for kids birthday parties and bat mitzvah's. Just trust me your details.

 

[Usher]

My Chinese neighbour just opened a shop so I asked him what he was selling
It's a crows shop he said
I think you mean a clothes shop ?
No come & have a rook

 

[ImMrChris]

Two nuns in a car driving down the road, all of a sudden the devil appears on the bonnet, one nun turns to the other and says "quick show him your cross" the other nun winds the window down waves her fist at the devil and shouts "**** off you *******"

 

[Cosimo]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[D.P.]

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye deer!

What do you call a blind deer with no legs.
Still no eye deer!

What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no genitalia?
Still no ******* eye deer

 

[Usher]

The dustbin men pulled up outside a Chinese mans house to find no bin was put out

Where's your bin?
I bin to China
No, where's your weely bin
I weally bin to china

 

[Cosimo]

An Eskimo goes out seal hunting for the first time. As the day wears on, he starts to get colder and colder. He thinks to himself, "Next time, I'll bring some firewood."

A few days later, as he gets ready to head out on another hunt, he gathers firewood and loads it into his canoe. Sure enough, the snow and wind start to get to him as he paddles along. He decides that rather than stop to light a fire, he'll make a small fire right there in his canoe.

He gets the fire going, but then it burns through the bottom of the canoe, which sinks, and he drowns. This goes to show you that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

[Django x2]

Stevie Wonder got given a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

 

[ThestigGT999]

what's a cheerleaders favorite drink?

Spoiler

Root Beer

 

[The Dread Pirate]

Two nuns in a car driving down the road, all of a sudden the devil appears on the bonnet, one nun turns to the other and says "quick show him your cross" the other nun winds the window down waves her fist at the devil and shouts "**** off you Horny ****!"

Fixed!

 

[ThestigGT999]

What kind of shoes does a thief wear?

Spoiler

Sneakers