The Friday Joke thread

A blonde and a Nun found themselves next to each other on a transatlantic flight from Heathrow to LA. They were chatting away when the stewardess approached and asked the blonde if she would like some champagne.

"Oh, yes please," replied the blonde, so the stewardess poured the champagne. She then asked the nun the same question.

"certainly not!" shouted the nun, "I'd rather be violated by a hoarde of men all the way to America than let alcohol pass my lips"

The blonde considered this for a moment and then passed the champagne back to the stewardess "I agree," said the blonde,


"I just didn't realise I had the choice"
 
A man goes to see his Doctor one day because he's been having stomch problems. The Doctor cheks him out and tells him "Sir you have a tape worm. You could have the standard treatment for it or you could try a new experimental treatment I've been working on which is much cheaper." The dude thinks it over for a few seconds and reply's "The experimental procedure sounds good after all it's in the name of medical science." The Doctor then says "good come back tommorow with an apple an orange and a mars bar." So the dude does as he was told and comes back the next day. "Right then drop your trousers and bend over the sergons table." says the doctor "Ok..." replys the dude looking rather confused. The doctor then proceeds to insert the apple then the orange and finally the mars bar into the dudes rear-end. The dude is in sheer agony whilst the apple and orange are put in however the mars bar just slides in and the dudes like "W T F are you doing!" the doctor says "Don't worry it's all part of the treatment and you'll get used to it after a couple of treatments." The dude sighs and gives in and is told to return every day for the next week with the afore mentioned food products. Over the next week the dude finds the treatment less painful and infact on the last day of the week he feels basically no pain at all after this last treatment the doctor then says "Right tommorow I want you to bring an apple an orange and a mallet." The dude then starts to feel scared however states that he will do so. That night he can't sleep being kept up by the image of what could happen the next day doesn't sleep and gets ready for his appointment and gets the items required. He gets to the doctors and is called in removes his trousers like he is told gripps onto the side of the sergical table and waits....The apple goes in and he starts to perspire the orange goes in and sweat starts pouring of of him but then nothing happens he's getting increacingly more worried byt the second. All of a sudden he feels somthing come out his-rear end and hears a small voice shout "Oi wheres me mars bar!" *Splat*
 
Steve McClaren is going to the England Christmas party dressed as a pumpkin, he's hoping someone can turn him into a No Swearing coach!
 
Did you know that England are changing their logo from 3 lions to 3 tampons due to their worst peiod ever?
 
probably old but here goes! :P

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
A lawyer was out driving one morning, on the approach to a stop junction he slowed down and as nothing was coming pulled out.

Suddenly out of nowhere appeared a police car, and pulls the lawyer over. The copper walks up to the layers car and asks the lawyer "Do you know why i stoped you?", "No" replys the lawyer. "Well you failed to stop at that junction, can i have you license and registration please!".

The lawyer thinks to himself "hmm, i can talk myself out of a ticket" and says to to the cop. "Ill be happy to give you my docs if you can explain the legal difference between slowing and stopping?".

The cop thinks for a second, then asks the lawyer to get out of the car and he will show him.

As soon as the lawyer leaves the car the cop whips out his baton and starts repeatedly hitting the lawyer over the head. After a few minuets the cop asks, "now would you like me to slow down or stop?":D
 
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