The Friday Joke thread

Was in the pub last night with my mate and told him I had booked me and the missus a holiday to the Carribean.

'Jamaica?' He asked...

'No, she wanted to go as well' I replied.
 
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
 
An fabulously wealthy octagenerian gets married to an 18 year old gold digger.

It's their wedding night and he's not had it away with her yet as she insisted on no sex before marriage. So she's lying in bed thinking "If we have rampant sex a few times his heart will give in and I'll inherit his millions - he might even pop his clogs the first time we do it".
Suddnely the old guy appears at the bedroom door with a condom over the most enormous erection she's ever seen, a peg on his nose, and huge tufts of cotton wool in his ears. She panics at the sight of his huge member, but manages to enquire about the peg on his nose and the earplugs.
"well" says the 80 year old " if there's two things I can't stand it's the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a woman screaming"
 
It's Friday, soo......







A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own ******* blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
The second punch line cracked me up on that last one! (edit - by joke I mean the train one... the Jew one wasn't exactly a joke now was it.) some good jokes in this thread for a change!
 
An fabulously wealthy octagenerian gets married to an 18 year old gold digger.

It's their wedding night and he's not had it away with her yet as she insisted on no sex before marriage. So she's lying in bed thinking "If we have rampant sex a few times his heart will give in and I'll inherit his millions - he might even pop his clogs the first time we do it".
Suddnely the old guy appears at the bedroom door with a condom over the most enormous erection she's ever seen, a peg on his nose, and huge tufts of cotton wool in his ears. She panics at the sight of his huge member, but manages to enquire about the peg on his nose and the earplugs.
"well" says the 80 year old " if there's two things I can't stand it's the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a woman screaming"

Winner :D
 
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb to begin with.

I'll get me coat now, thanks.
 
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
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