The OFFICIAL Jokes thread

Bakedgoods

Bakedgoods

Bakedgoods

Capodecina
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31 Dec 2003
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I want a thread with lots of jokes :D

One to get the masses groaning, including myself..

A young chap strolled into his living room one afternoon with a chair under each arm and a settee on his back. Shocked, his father asked,"Where in the hell did you get that?!"

"Off an old man down the park," replied the boy.

Immediately, his father jumped up and walloped him in the mouth.
"What was that for?!" screamed the lad in pain.

"For Gods sake!" shouted his father.

"What did I tell you about taking suites from strangers?!"
 
whats blue and doesnt fit?


a dead epeleptic!


lmao... sorry no offence meant to any onewho maybe epi...
 
A man comes home from the amozon with a nob sucking frog,

He gives it o his wife... she says "what am i supposed to do with that?"

he replys, " teach it to cook and **** off"
 
the definition of true bravery...

Comin home from the pub, covered in lipstick, smelling of perfume - then slapping the mrs and saying "your next fatty"
 
So theres these 2 ladies walking home after a heavy night, they take the short cut through a graveyard.

They both need a wee so they go behind a couple of head stones. The first one says
"have you got anything to wipe"
"Use your knickers" replies the second.
"Im not wearing any!"
"oh for.....here use this" she rips up a reef and passes her some and uses a bit on her self.

Couple of days later their husbands are talking, the first one says
"Im worried shes cheating, she came home the other night drunk as a skunk with no knickers on!"
The other husband replies
"You think you've got problems, mine came home ****ed as a parrot with a card in her **** that said 'Thanks for everything, we'll never forget you. All the boys at the firestation'!"

:D I thank you
 
A busy couple whose schedules allowed them to have sex only once a month bought a box of 12 condoms so they would be set for a year. Three months down the road, the wife went to get one and found the box empty. "What happened to the other 10 condoms?" she asked.
He nervously replied, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later she shared the story with a male friend and asked, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my wife."
 
2 women talking,

one says "has your dave bee circumsised?"

"no hes always been a complete ****"

DONT SWEAR

Dangerous
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads.

The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint.
The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting
"SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU *******!!!"
 
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