Thursday Email Joke

KaHn

KaHn

KaHn

Soldato
Joined
13 Oct 2004
Posts
13,177
Location
South Shields
[QUOTE="Email]A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was
Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man
to be called Winston!'
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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China
?
Everybody won.
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.



Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and
asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black
men'.. So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden
shouted to me.....

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now **** off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde
staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts
waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she
says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of
infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst
your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my
arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a
loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony
Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I
must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your
past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for
Wigan !'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister
Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her
onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch
your back girl and keep Father Duffy's nuts off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the
string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!
[/QUOTE]

KaHn
 
Got this via the electronic post this morning, it's alright.

Email said:
Nelson : "Order the signal

Hardy : "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson : "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy : "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud) : " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy : "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson : "Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy : "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson : "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy : "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson : "Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it...full speed ahead."

Hardy : "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson : "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy : "That won't be possible sir."

Nelson : "What?"

Hardy : "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harness, and they said the rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson : "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy."

Hardy : "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson : "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy : "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson : "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral playing the disability card."

Hard : "Actually you did sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson : "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt sea beckons."

Hardy : "A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats, and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson : "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy : "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral."

Nelson : "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy : "It's not that sir. It's just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson : "Then, how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy : "Actually sir, we're not."

Nelson : "We're not?"

Hardy : "No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson : "But you must hate the Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy : "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.

Nelson : "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King."

Hardy : "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson : "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy : "As I explained sir. The rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson : "What about sodomy?"

Hardy : "I believe that is now legal sir."

Nelson : "In that case..........

kiss me Hardy."
Click to expand...
 
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