To call or not to call...

Diddums

Diddums

Diddums

Caporegime
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Just looking for some outsider opinions here. Obviously this is quite a complicated situation but it's all I can think about, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, and for the last few nights I've been dreaming about it too.

My "father" is fighting cancer. He's more of a sperm donor really, never been a part of my life no matter how hard his mother and my mother tried to make it happen. There were moments of joy when it felt like I had a father but those quickly disappeared into the usual weeks or even months of not hearong from him.

I phoned him the day after my 30th and he didn't know how old I was or even when my birthday was. Nevertheless, I uprooted my mother when I was 15 from South Africa to move to Holland because I wanted a father in my life, a move which is one of my biggest regrets to this day.

I should mention my parents got divorced when I was 2, and by my 7th birthday, he had married someone else, had two kids and moved back to Holland, from where he came, with his "new" family.

Anyway, around September last year I was told he has at most a year left. I dug my head in the sand and avoided it at all costs as it wasn't something I wanted to deal with. I pretty much decided that I want nothing to do with him and that was that.

Yesterday however, my mother called me, to tell me that my father's brother had been in touch. Apparently my father applied for assisted suicide a few months ago and yesterday it was approved. He's doing it on Thursday.

So this is it. Not having a father in your life is one thing, but spending the majority of my existence fighting to have a father in my life has been considerably worse.

And now on Thursday he's going for good. I have no choice but to deal with it, and fast. So do I call him and risk making things worse? Do I leave it and just get on with my life?

My head is a bit of an omelette right now. Trying to make heads or tails of a decision which I will have to live with for the rest of my life is tearing me to pieces.

I dunno.
 
Call him, be the bigger person. No matter how much you might regret seeing him again, you'll regret never seeing him again much more.

Right now you have a choice, in a few days that choice will be taken away from you.
 
If it were me I wouldn't call, he had his chance, a lifetime of chances and clearly the effort was too much for him to love and raise a child properly.

My wife has a father who did the exact same thing as yours, she was also the same age when he left. Came back and pretended to be a Dad every now and again for a bit.

She hasn't heard from him in 11 years now maybe, I know she wouldn't call, she has nothing good to say about the man.

Having a child doesn't make you a father, caring, loving, raising, being there and being a father makes you a father.
 
IMO you'll regret it more if you don't call him than if you do.

You've not really got anything to lose by calling him, whereas if you don't, you may spend the rest of your life wondering what he would say.

Just my 2p.

(I've had a non-existent "relationship" with my father since I was ~14, and it was a poor one before that, but I'm pretty sure in your position I'd still want to say goodbye).
 
That's a horrible situation to be in mate and I really do feel for you but the fact that your father hasn't even made an attempt to contact you knowing what his decision is going to be says it all really.

It's a lot easier to say than to do but I'd leave it at that and try and move on.
 
Call him. Your words may bring him some extra peace and for you prevent any niggling regrets you will have after he has passed away.

Forgiving is hard but the peace it brings is worth the effort so be strong and call.
 
Ring him for your own peace of mind so you do not have to wonder after he is gone also might in time make it possible for you to have a relationship with his other children if it is something you would want.

My father and grandfather didn't speak for almost 20 years last time they did was the last day of my grandfathers life he died of bowel cancer they lived only 5 mins from each other and i know its something that haunts my dad still he got about 3 hours with him before the end
 
Call him. I'm about to lose my Father to Cancer in the next few days and although he wasn't that nice to me throughout my life, just be the bigger person.
 
I can only echo what has already been said really; call him. The chances of you regretting, later in life, not having taken the chance when you had it are quite high.
 
Call him. I lost my father to cancer last year, never really had a close relationship to him but you have to live life by your rules not his. If you ring there will be no "what if's" left in your head, you will know exactly and with luck it will end on kind words rather than bad feelings. If not at least you know!
 
I too have not had my father in my life since i was a young boy, personally, i couldn't give 2 hoots if he dropped today. He's on facebook and we share a few friends but he's never made an effort to contact me.

So, my answer would be not to contact him. He's had a lifetime of opportunity to do the right thing by you so why waste your time on him.
 
IMO you have to call him. If you do and it doesn't go well then at least you'll know, if you don't call, given your past experiences and feelings, then you may well wonder "what if" for many years to come.
 
Call him. Worst case scenario is you have one more bad memory of him. If you don't call him, you may regret it and you'll never be able to change that.
 
I've been in a similar situation with my father, trying my best to make effort over the years, but basically falling on deaf ears. Fortunately I had a stepfather who came into my life and for all in intents and purposes he became my father.

I honestly have no idea how I'd deal with the situation of calling him if he was on his last legs. I think I'd probably call him to simply say bye, not pouring my heart out or anything, just simply closing that chapter of my life.
 
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