Tuesady Joke!

You're on a horse, galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop. On your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion chasing you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round and act your ****ing age.
 
A jelly baby went to the doctors with his willy covered in coconut and liquorice. The doctor said "what the hell have you been doing?!" The jelly baby replied "**** allsorts!"



(p.s. hope sweary is starred out enough?)nope
 
I have a joke..

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.


Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'


Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'


She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'


He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.


She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'


He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'
Click to expand...
 
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland
arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish
brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching..'
 
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