Warning, joke inside..

Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were driving down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road and killed it instantly.

Mugabe tells his driver: "Go to da farm over there and explain to da owner of da pig what happen."

One hour later, Mugabe sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What happen to you?" Mugabe asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.

The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
 
Erm, I don't have any murderous African dictator jokes, so this'll have to do...

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, 'Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?'

The other guy says, 'Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one.';

The first guy replied, 'Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil fat ****.'
 
A monkey is sitting in a tree, the lion is sleeping under the tree. Monkey keeps throwing peanuts on lion's head, lion threatens monkey. Monkey mocks lion and says, I'm up here, you are down there and there is nothing you can do to me. Eventually after some time, monkey falls asleep, falls out of the tree and lion grabs him.

Lion says, I'll give you a choice. I'll bite your head off or I'll bite your tail off". Monkey thinks for a little while and says, "Bite my head off". The lion is surprised, "If I take your head, you will be dead". Monkey replies, "Yes, but if you take my tail, I'll look like Robert Mugabe".
 
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