what do you think of this letter

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Dear sir/madam

I am writing to you about a account which I closed with 02, I opened an account in October 2009, however when I found out I couldn’t get o2 20 meg broadband because the exchange was full I decided to cancel my o2 pay monthly contract few days after I opened it . In addition I found out there were two accounts open in my name so I canceled both, I was guaranteed no money would be take out.

When I checked my bank details I saw that 02 had instructed 2 lots of payments, for 2 different accounts, one of the accounts was a phantom account, an oversight on O2 part, as i only opened up one account. However this bank account was used for direct debits only, and of course there weren’t any adequate funds to cover those transactions, I incurred 2 lots of bank charges causing problems for my other direct debts.

I have spoken to your customer service agents and was told to fax in a copy of those charges, my Kensington branch fax those copies for me twice as the first copy wasn’t received by your customer service teams it was misplaced.
After a while they agreed to pay back those charges in 10 to 14 business days on the 14th business day I phoned up instructing them that no funds were received, the customer service agent said “ It was meant to go out but it hadn’t and he’ll get it out to me asap”, by this point I was very unhappy, now 10 days later there still are no signs of that refund from o2 into my account.
I have spend considerable time and effect running around between Halifax and phoning O2, it has reach a point now, were I feel not only should I get my those DD charges paid but also i should be compensated for my efforts and problems cause by O2.
I am writing to you to see if you could help me otherwise I would have to seek advice about other methods in retrieving those funds and seek compensation for the inconvenience , expenditure and considerable effort chasing up my money owed.

bit of advice.
 
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Seems vague to me; I would have preferred exact dates, names of people you spoke to, more details, things they can actually refer to specifically e.g. "one of the accounts", "2 lots of bank charges" are too vague.
Make it more bullet point style and less chatty/paragraph - it's easier to get confused the latter way.
Last sentence is too vague again. I would have a separate section outlining exact resolution expected and by when. And the "other methods" doesn't sound scary at all; not ruthless enough.

I've written many of these; and don't think I've ever lost a "fight". You need to come across like you mean business, you know what you are talking about, and will not take no for an answer.

You have to remember that they must receive hundreds of these and they will pay no doubt more attention to more serious looking letters.

Punctuation could be a lot better too - you're using commas when you should be using full stops and semi-colons.
 
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Proofread. Amendments inline.

Be consistent in use of o2. Don't use O2 or 02 as these are incorrect.

Dear sir/madam

I am writing to you about an account which I closed with o2. I had opened an account in October 2009; however, when I found out I couldn’t get o2 20mb broadband because the exchange was full I decided to cancel my o2 pay monthly contract a few days after it commenced. In addition I found out there were two accounts open in my name so I cancelled both; I was guaranteed no money would be taken out.

When I checked my bank details I saw that o2 had instructed 2 payments, for 2 different accounts, including the duplicate mentioned above. This bank account was used for direct debits, and there weren’t enough funds to cover those transactions. I have therefore incurred two lots of bank charges leading to problems for my other direct debits.

I have spoken to your customer service agents and was told to fax in a copy of those charges. The Kensington branch of my bank has had to fax these copies to you twice as the first copy was misplaced by your customer service teams.

After a while, customer service agreed to pay back those charges in 10 to 14 business days. On the 14th business day I phoned up to tell them that no funds had been received, and was told by the customer service agent that "It was meant to go out but it hadn’t" and that he'd "get it out to me asap”. By this point I was very unhappy. It is now a further 10 days later there still no any signs of that refund from o2 into my account.

I have spent considerable time and effort in communication with my bank o2. It has reached a point now where I feel that not only should I be reimbursed for the charges for the failed direct debits, but should also be compensated for my efforts and the problems cause by o2.

I am writing to you to see if you could help me, otherwise I will have to seek advice regarding other methods to go about retrieving those funds and seeking compensation for the inconvenience, expenditure and considerable effort chasing up my money owed.

Also, good luck getting any compensation beyond reimbursement of the bank charges. They may possibly give you a discount on a future contract, but even that would be a stretch.

And yes - as has been said, you should add dates, any names, etc.
 
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Halfway through the third paragraph, throw in a vague reference to "...my aunt's cucumber frame."

It will give you the element of surprise.
 
I am writing to you about an account which I closed with o2. I opened this account in October 2009; however, when I found out I couldn’t get o2 20mb broadband because the exchange was full I decided to cancel my o2 pay monthly contract a few days after it commenced. In addition I found out there were two accounts open in my name so I cancelled both; I was guaranteed no money would be taken out.

I personally think the bit in bold sounds better worded as I have put it.
 
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