What would you consider cheating??

silentriver

silentriver

silentriver

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8 Apr 2004
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Scotland
My boyfriend of 6 years this march, provided a shock for me this weekend. I found a message on his phone sent to a 'calum' saying 'hi honey, shouldn't be so spineless should i xxx' That was in his sent box.

When i confronted him , as he was sitting next to me he quickly took the phone off me and deleted it and said he sent it to me. I obviosly got ****** off, and walked out the room he then told me it was his pal Sally who i have never heard of, and they have been talking for a while. And that it started with flirting and for the mobile records it was a lot for 3 weeks.

He had a £90 phone bill which he said was due to the fact that he had been contacting someone in his work re work who worked on a boat, so like a fool i believed him , if i had checked the phone bill in more detail i woul have seen the txts started as soon as he left the house and calls untill he came into the house at night, late night calls when i havent been there which he must have started. looking at the records it was quite intence for 3 weeks then calmed down. He told me to begin with it was flirting then he decided to stop the flirting she spat the dummy although she has a fiance. He said dont be like that and that he would still talk to her on email.

He doesnt consider it cheating but as far as im conserned it is as he did it behind my back, it hurt, it's lying which he obviously did to me. He has said that he is going to stop talking to her, he said its a relief because he was getting bored talking to her about the same stuff.

I would like some advise - would you call that cheating. There was a lot of txt message and calls to her mobile and office and she lives 700 miles away.

She said she could understand my reaction and that her fiance would dump her if he found out as he has been cheated on but in her opinion it wasn't cheating.... and that he should decide himself if he wants to talk to her (ie me not order him not to talk to her - which i havent done it was his choice)

So its happened over 3 months - handy thing telephone records , i tursted him cause he said he wouldn't cheat on me but i find this a form of cheating...
he says its not, it was just a bit of fun....so he says but cant really rememeber everything that was said. jsut chit chat and filting.

would you call this cheating??
 
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The decision is down to you really. If it bothers you, then it's a problem.

If you can't handle him having that sort of "fun" then you need to let him know. If he keeps doing it, dump him.
 
well, this is just me but i'd have been extremely suspicious in your circumstances. however, going through phone records is a step short of stealing his pets and putting them in a saucepan. sounds like something's up, though. you should talk to him, and tell him that even though he doesnt consider it cheating, the fact that there's an air of dishonesty in the situation, something has to be up. if i'm on the phone to someone THAT much, i'm either after their ass or getting some cash out of it.

talking > snooping
 
No, I wouldnt call it cheating.

I might call it paranoia, and I suggest you talk it over with your boyfriend instead of the members of an internet forum.

Good luck :)
 
Me - When there is some tongue action going on, alcohol is not an excuse.

Girl i know - Only when the sex is good and only when the guy finds out.

So its up to you where the line is drawn.
 
Dace said:
I suggest you talk it over with your boyfriend instead of the members of an internet forum.
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ugh, at least we got this post out of the way early. she's obviously chosen to post here for some advice...maybe one day, there'll be a help thread without a post like this on it. we can but dream
 
Sic said:
ugh, at least we got this post out of the way early. she's obviously chosen to post here for some advice...maybe one day, there'll be a help thread without a post like this on it. we can but dream
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I'd suggest speaking to Dace about it, rather than posting on an internet forum.

Hehe, but regarding the OP, sounds like something suspicious going on, how long have you been going out with your fella?

Maybe he's feeling that things have become a bit samey and the initial spark has gone and he's enjoying the 'thrill of the chase' with this other bird even though he has no intention of acting on it further. I wouldn't blame you for being suspicious though, but it could just be harmless fun. :)
 
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To me that just seems like a bit of flirting / office fun. Personally, if he brings it home, then it's breaking the boundry's (assuming she is from his workplace) although I tend not to mix work and personal life like that.

Oh, and I do have similar emails akin to that txt message you discovered.

But I think it's up to you as to where the boundry's are...
 
Rich_L said:
I'd suggest speaking to Dace about it, rather than posting on an internet forum.
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i'd suggest you put your silver shirt on and go round an alzheimer's ward scaring everyone :p
 
i have been talking to him about it, its the fact that they both dont consider it cheating, yet she has said in the same sentence that her fiance would dump her beacue he has been cheated on but it is not cheating in her opinion. He doesnt consider it cheating, i only went through his records when he told me the truth if i had done that in the first place i woul have seen how many calls and the times they were taking place.

He was distance towards me during that time, he spent more talking to her than we both spent on each other at christmas as we dont have that much money. He said she spat the dummy when he ended the flirting.

He is sorry so he keeps saying but also says it wasnt cheating, but if someone is lying behind your back, etc then i find it is. I have loadsof what if's which he hates, ie, is the only reason u couldnt sleep with her because she was 700 miles away, he says maybe thats why he did it cause she was 700 miles away....

I am talking to him a lot, it just hurts when someone you trust does that to you....

My question is would you consider it cheating....
 
How is talking to someone of the opposite sex cheating?

He was dishonest with you, when oyu confronted him, but he has not cheated on you.

IMO flirting is fine as long as the people flirting both know where the line is and don't cross it.

Things that constitute cheating imo:

Phone/cyber/text sex
Passionate kissing (pecks on the lips and cheek are fine)
persistant groaping (the odd squeese now and again is fine)
sexual advances
SEX
 
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well i dont know what was said in the text messages and the 30 min phone calls or picture messages..

she got all stroppy when he tried to stop it and is ****** off cause he is not going to talk to her anymore, so why cant i be ****** off, i would have been fine if they were just friends but they way it came about wasn't on. I don't know what was said in the messages, i dont think that helped our relationship, but hopefully if we can overcome it, it will help make us stronger.
 
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If I was flirting with, frequently calling and texting someone who wasn't my boyfriend, I would feel in the wrong. I would feel like I ought to break up with my boyfriend. I would feel like I was being 'naughty'.

Hence if someone did that to me, I would think it wrong.

You're allowed to be very hacked off about it, silentriver. It's not strictly cheating, but it's hurtful, and not right.

EDIT: If it was all a bit of fun, it shouldn't have been kept secret from you!
 
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For going through my phone there would be potential dumping.

If the trust is not there then the relationship is doomed.

This woman is 700 miles away for goodness sake... either he is really well endowed has the ability to travel extremely quickly or nothing physical is happening.
 
his pal had been texting him about going out i was just looking to see what he said and found it by accident, i had all his phone bill records i just didnt look at them hard enough and believed his story about work.

its the mental hurt.
 
Different spin on this, but perhaps you both were going through a tricky patch, and he was consoling in her!?! Perhaps he felt more comfortable opening up to a female, rather than a male mate, who he may feel embarassed doing such.

I know nothing of the bigger picture, so could be way of the mark, for which I apologise in advance.
 
You went through his phone records... you were snooping.

If you don't trust him that much then how are you going to cope with an attractive woman in a shop smiling at him or God forbi he talks to a barmaid?
 
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