What would you do - mother is hiding illness

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Wouldn't normally offer this out to strangers for advice but I am very conflicted over what to do about a certain situation.

My mother is 70 and still works - we work together. She has no intention of stopping to retire as she can't think of anything else she wants to do - I think it's more a fear of getting stuck in the retirement rut and living out the last years in a char staring out the window - ala my grandmother. She is also a big part of my children's life - she has pretty much been a surrogate mother to my youngest as their mother died soon after giving birth - it worries me when my youngest is at my mothers as I don't trust her health and worry she will be properly ill and my youngest won't know what to do.

Anyway, my mother is a pain for eating. She mostly doesn't and will even say she has when she hasn't - it comes across almost to the point of a disorder in that she knows it's making her ill but won't keep on top of it.

She gets very ill very quickly - vomiting, strong stomach pains and it wipes her out for a good few days. Once she's better we, work colleagues, my GF and me all make sure she eats during the day and providing food for her to take home.

She was ill last week and we managed to get her to go the doctors - you don't know what she says and I'm sure makes light of it and the doctor apparently waived it off as old age. She was supposed to book a blood test but makes excuses as to why she hasn't - she does have a big issue with needles but that is no real excuse.

The last bout she even admitted it was so bad she considered calling an ambulance and she has to be dragged kicking and screaming anywhere near a hospital so it must have been bad. I think it's pancreatitis but it happens quite regularly.

Anyway, she is going on holiday to see a friend and where my brother lives (Gibraltar) and has been ill again. I don't know whether to warn them in advance that she is being ill - she is also staying with my god mother who took her to hospital the last time it was bad.

I can't decide whether to tell them or not. Am I over-reacting, being interfering, drama queen etc etc My mother gets very defensive when I say anything and accuses me of panicking and making a drama out of it. Being in almost chronic pain and vomiting regularly doesn't sound like something that should be ignored.

Tl:dr - mother keeps being ill, should I tell family or am I being a drama queen?
 
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tell family. get her to a doctor. go into surgery with her and listen to what the doctor says.

you need to help explain the symptoms as it sounds like she will be playing them down.
 
Tl:dr - mother keeps being ill, should I tell family or am I being a drama queen?

Yes. Get it out in the open then something can be done. Secrets about health issues are bad. If you are ill and don't say anything then how can you get the help you need? Tell your family and more importantly confront your mother and persuade her to see her GP and be open about it.
 
tell family. get her to a doctor. go into surgery with her and listen to what the doctor says.

you need to help explain the symptoms as it sounds like she will be playing them down.

This. It will be a bitter pill for her to swallow at first but once she's seen that you're understanding and compassionate you'll be on the right track. She should eventually warm up to the idea of treatment as well, and she'll start feeling better which in turn will make her less reluctant to soeak about it.

Sounds like a bit of a crap situation and you'll probably have to put your foot down a bit but it'll be worth it. Good luck :)
 
Similar thing happened to us a few years back. My mum has a proper phobia of hospitals, she was diagnosed with Gallstones and only my dad knew. She wouldn't go in to get them removed, and suffered in silence for about 3 years - it only came up as I was visiting them in Spain and she couldn't get out of bed for 3 days.

Anyway, took us 2 months before we all convinced her she needed to have it done - they'd grown so big in the end that they had to take some of her liver out at the same time. Even as they were wheeling her into pre-op she got up and tried to do a runner.

Personally I'd only "let" her travel on the agreement she gets the OK from the doctor first, but I'd tell the family over there anyway as they might be able to convince her to get something done.
 
I know it is the right thing to do to tell those that need to know - it's just the potential fallout when my mother discovers I've told people. She can be quite a monster when she wants to be :)

It's done now anyway. Godmother already knows there's an issue, brother is ringing me tonight to discuss - need to play him carefully, they have a very different relationship to me and can be a little defensive of her too. Her friend in Gib I've messaged - she's another one. Never anything in the fridge other than wine but least she eats well.
 
I know it is the right thing to do to tell those that need to know - it's just the potential fallout when my mother discovers I've told people. She can be quite a monster when she wants to be :)


Tell her you're letting people know then at least she knows you're not going behind her back.
 
I suspect that your mother is scared of starting the diagnostic route (blood tests followed up by more test depending upon the results), in case she has some sort of terminal disease.
The doctor may have told your mother what he thinks the problem is, but she's in denial.
The GP can't do a thing unless she has the bloodtests done.

'The last bout she even admitted it was so bad she considered calling an ambulance and she has to be dragged kicking and screaming anywhere near a hospital so it must have been bad.'

Next time phone the ambulance for her, they are used to dealing with difficult people, you're mother won't like it but clearly doing nothing isn't really an option.
 
Clock her over the head, knock her out, call an ambulance, say she fell and knocked her head as she hasn't been eating due to illness, tell them all the other symptoms, go with her to hospital. If she looks like she remembers you hit her, give her the finger across the throat gesture while no one's looking so she keeps quiet ;)
 
she better pray it isn't pancreatitis.

I'm fairly sure this is what it is.

She's been into work but gone home already. Completely determined to get on a plane at 7am Sunday morning and is supposed to be staying over with my god mother tomorrow night who knows what is going on. As a compromise, I have said I will take her to GMs house and GM will take her to airport in the morning.
 
My dad had issues with eating, felt unwell and ended up collapsing. Multiple GP visits did nothing.

He lit up like an Xmas tree on his MRI. Lung and brain tumours. He died at home less than 6 months later after a stroke which left him unable to communicate or move. Was too late for any treatment. That was this year and he was only 58.

She should get seen to, but at 70, treatments might be worse than not being treated at all if you get me. But it's better to know and deal with it logically as it may be something relatively benign and curable.

Don't take any excuses, get the daft old bat sorted.
 
I would probably let them know. If she became seriously ill on holiday then being able to react quickly could save her life. I'd hate to think I hadn't done something which could have helped her even it might feel a bit sneaky.

On going to the doctor, obviously that is ultimately up to her. I would try and have a candid conversation with her. Explain how it is making you feel and say how much you'd appreciate it if she could reassure you by eating more or getting tests done.

Putting loads of pressure on her or dictating is likely to achieve little but gentle encouragement over time may just give her the nudge she needs.
 
Besides - how bad would you feel something happened that could have been prevented if they'd known? Nothing like regret to bring your day down.

My nana is older and I keep an eye on her and let her kids know if I notice something so they can keep an eye out as well just in case.
 
I had pancreatitis 3 years ago and almost died as a result. It's not something that comes and goes, once it develops you either get hospitalised and cured or it poisons and destroys your internal organs leading to death.
However what you describe could well be the cause of my own illness namely gallstones. These will give you an 'attack' from which you will recover but be wiped out after. The danger is that a stone escapes the gall bladder and lodges in the common bile duct blocking the secretions that should go to your intestines. With no escape route the secretions will back up and attack the pancreas and liver.
 
Some people are stubborn and won't admit things aren't quite right. Can you not go into the Drs room with her and make sure she doesn't sugar coat things?

Failing that...maybe confine in another family member?
 
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