What would you do?

[geeklight]

If you cared about a person a lot and you saw them going back down the same self-destructive path they've been down before, making the same mistakes, and they had told you they're not happy, but they got angry every time you tried to help them- would you leave them to it, and just hope they are able to sort it out on their own, or would you try everything you could to make them see they deserve better, and are able to achieve it, in the hope that they'd finally be really happy, even if it meant you risked losing them for good?

 

[geeklight]

Basically this is a girl thread you want to nail her but haven't got out of the friends zone?

KaHn

No, I'm a girl, not lesbian, and it's a friend I care deeply about, who has spent a long time being miserable and who I would really love to see happy finally. I just don't really know what's the best way to help them and it's driving me nuts.

 

[geeklight]

Hmm yeah I guess I should just leave him to it. It annoys me that he doesn't realise how much I've tried to help him, and more than that, how little he's taken from it.

I spent a long time trying to help him through his problems, and it just kinda feels like now his other 'mates' who are never really there for him when he needs them have decided they can be bothered to call him (mainly cos one girl got dumped and so can be bothered with him again), he's got no interest in talking to or being a mate to me anymore.

I guess it's easier for him to be around people who let him stay miserable cos it suits them than to be around someone who's actually pushing him out of his comfort zone to help him be happier? From what he's told me, I'm the only person who's ever cared enough to put him first, and I've made him feel happier, but now he seems to be pushing me away and getting unhappier as a result.

I don't really know how to walk away, knowing I could make a difference in this person's life, but it's got to the point where it's making me ill- I find it really hard to eat and sleep lately cos I'm constantly worried that he's just taken 5 steps backwards in any progress he's made towards having the life he wants for himself. I think maybe I just care too much.

So, any suggestions on how to stop yourself caring? Guys seem better equipped to do this than girls!!

 

[geeklight]

Kinda disagree - just depends on how far you are prepared to go. The fact that their friend gets angry when confronted about this, to me is a good sign actually.

Does the OP want to push through that "heart of darkness" though?

Honestly, I want to do whatever it takes to help him be happy- I just feel really lost as to the right thing to do, cos nothing I do seems to work now- if I try and help, he gets angry and shuts me out, and if I stay away, when I talk to him he tells me he's been finding it difficult to stay on track and isn't happy.

I think it's gotten to a point where I'm starting to accept that to help him, I may lose him for good, which really upsets me, but I can deal with it if I know he's happy.

I know he's the only one who can change his situation, but everyone at some point needs a helping hand, and some support, and that's what I want to do for him.

Why do you think it's a good sign that he gets angry?

 

[geeklight]

I think he gets angry because he's scared of being controlled, or having anyone influence his thoughts, and I suppose it feels like that to him when I give him advice- I think sometimes I must come across like I'm telling him what to do instead of just voicing my opinion.

He particularly hates if I point out the negativity in his other friendships, particularly that girl who uses him as her 'backup'. I think he has issues with his self worth and gravitates towards people who confirm that feeling for him, rather than people who actually makes him almost believe he's worth more.

I know his happiness isn't my responsibility, but it hurts a lot to see him unhappy, and I really just want to help him.

 

[geeklight]

Yeah that's good advice- I just need to learn to fight against myself, cos I'm very impulsive and honest, and I tend to just say what's on my mind, which is not a good thing.

This particular friend of his, I think she has some good points, and she has been more positive lately, so hopefully he's getting something out of this friendship, but she's very self-centred and she has hurt him more than once in the past, and I guess I'm just very wary of the fact that she's likely to do it again the next time some guy comes along, and after my mate has started depending on her friendship more.

Maybe it is just a case of waiting it out, and being there for him if/when it does all go **** up, but it's hard to think of him hurting that way again- I'm very protective over my friends, really can't stand to see them hurt. It also probably doesn't help that I'm a super-anal thinker =(

 

[geeklight]

This=Love in action.
Someone did this for me, took me four years to see the light. I always believed I would change though and T.G. for the patience of the person who helped me.

I think he really does want things to be different as well, so hopefully he'll see for himself what changes he needs to make to be happy. I think it's a very good idea to just support him, no matter what decisions he's making. That way, at the very least, if it does all go bad, he's sure to have someone who'll still be there for him.

To be honest, I would love to be proven wrong about these friends- I would love nothing more than for him to have a decent set of friends, people he can depend on no matter what. I just have this really strong feeling he's going to get hurt again, because they seem to have this habit of being around him when they need him, but as soon as it's flipped and he needs them, a lot of the time they've just not been there. I guess I just need to let it happen if it's going to, and be there for him if/when he needs me.

Thanks for the advice- this has been bothering me a lot lately, and it helps to have an impartial view on it. =)

 

[geeklight]

I've told him plenty of times, and I think he may resent me for it now. I am starting to think I may need to just leave him to it, as much as I don't want him to have to learn the hard way, cos that way he gets hurt.

I think I'll just make sure he knows that I'm there for him if he needs me and hope that these 'mates' have finally realised his worth and will treat him right, cos he deserves it. My gut is telling me otherwise but all I can do is hope my gut is wrong and support him.

 

[geeklight]

Question number one...do you have any feelings for him yourself? as this would change everything.

Hmm, honestly, yes- what does it change? =/

 

[geeklight]

I must admit i had picked it up from the posts on here

Well it changes everything because if you didn't have feelings then you'd be crazy to get involved..but if you do have feelings for someone then a rational way of thinking completely flies out of the window unfortunately as your probably finding out!

My point is that obviously you shouldn't get more and more involved but what difference does that make? what does your heart tell you?

Well I wasn't advertising it but I wasn't hiding it either! ;p

My heart tells me that he's worth being there for, as painful as it is..

 

[geeklight]

And so the journey begins...

Good luck

Thanks =)

 

[geeklight]

I have told him what I think and all it seems to do is make him more defensive- I think it's probably best to let him figure it out for himself if these friends are bad for him or not, and unfortunately that means risking him getting hurt again and just being there for him if he does.

 

[geeklight]

Yeah I hope so- either that or I hope I'm wrong and they actually are decent mates. The main thing for me is that he's happy.