What would you do?

geeklight said:
No, I'm a girl, not lesbian, and it's a friend I care deeply about, who has spent a long time being miserable and who I would really love to see happy finally. I just don't really know what's the best way to help them and it's driving me nuts.
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I have a similar friend, always in relationships with dudes who end up mistreating her, usually addicts. Always starts out great then 2 weeks - 2 months later it goes pear shaped and she spends the next year trying to get those 2 weeks back. I spent a good few years picking up the phone to her crying, tried every method I could think of to try to help her help herself. They all failed. At some point, you have to realise that the only person who can change your friend is her, and if nothing you've been able to do can help her realise that, then she's going to have to figure it out herself. In fact, helping can delay this revelation by shielding them from the negative effects of their own behaviour. I don't answer my phone anymore to my friend, as much as she was a great friend, purely because it became draining. I'm not a tampon. Hopefully this has some bearing on your situation.
 
Hmm yeah I guess I should just leave him to it. It annoys me that he doesn't realise how much I've tried to help him, and more than that, how little he's taken from it.

I spent a long time trying to help him through his problems, and it just kinda feels like now his other 'mates' who are never really there for him when he needs them have decided they can be bothered to call him (mainly cos one girl got dumped and so can be bothered with him again), he's got no interest in talking to or being a mate to me anymore.

I guess it's easier for him to be around people who let him stay miserable cos it suits them than to be around someone who's actually pushing him out of his comfort zone to help him be happier? From what he's told me, I'm the only person who's ever cared enough to put him first, and I've made him feel happier, but now he seems to be pushing me away and getting unhappier as a result.

I don't really know how to walk away, knowing I could make a difference in this person's life, but it's got to the point where it's making me ill- I find it really hard to eat and sleep lately cos I'm constantly worried that he's just taken 5 steps backwards in any progress he's made towards having the life he wants for himself. I think maybe I just care too much.

So, any suggestions on how to stop yourself caring? Guys seem better equipped to do this than girls!!
 
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sigma said:
Not much you can do then tbh.
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Kinda disagree - just depends on how far you are prepared to go. The fact that their friend gets angry when confronted about this, to me is a good sign actually.

Does the OP want to push through that "heart of darkness" though?
 
Surfer said:
Kinda disagree - just depends on how far you are prepared to go. The fact that their friend gets angry when confronted about this, to me is a good sign actually.

Does the OP want to push through that "heart of darkness" though?
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Honestly, I want to do whatever it takes to help him be happy- I just feel really lost as to the right thing to do, cos nothing I do seems to work now- if I try and help, he gets angry and shuts me out, and if I stay away, when I talk to him he tells me he's been finding it difficult to stay on track and isn't happy.

I think it's gotten to a point where I'm starting to accept that to help him, I may lose him for good, which really upsets me, but I can deal with it if I know he's happy.

I know he's the only one who can change his situation, but everyone at some point needs a helping hand, and some support, and that's what I want to do for him.

Why do you think it's a good sign that he gets angry?
 
geeklight said:
Honestly, I want to do whatever it takes to help him be happy- I just feel really lost as to the right thing to do, cos nothing I do seems to work now- if I try and help, he gets angry and shuts me out, and if I stay away, when I talk to him he tells me he's been finding it difficult to stay on track and isn't happy.

I think it's gotten to a point where I'm starting to accept that to help him, I may lose him for good, which really upsets me, but I can deal with it if I know he's happy.

I know he's the only one who can change his situation, but everyone at some point needs a helping hand, and some support, and that's what I want to do for him.

Why do you think it's a good sign that he gets angry?
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Well it shows he still cares enough to get angry. Why specifically does he get angry? Does he see your help as interfering? or nagging? Wanting to help someone has to be the right kind of help. Perhaps he would feel better talking to a professional about his problems?

It sounds like you've already been there for him, through hard times when his other so-called m8s havent and yet he wont turn his life around? The only one who can really help him is him.

I think it's gotten to a point where I'm starting to accept that to help him, I may lose him for good, which really upsets me, but I can deal with it if I know he's happy.
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You cant make other people happy. i think you've invested too much of yourself into helping him so when it doesnt work you feel guilty and responsible for his unhappiness. His happiness isn't your responsibility.
 
I think he gets angry because he's scared of being controlled, or having anyone influence his thoughts, and I suppose it feels like that to him when I give him advice- I think sometimes I must come across like I'm telling him what to do instead of just voicing my opinion.

He particularly hates if I point out the negativity in his other friendships, particularly that girl who uses him as her 'backup'. I think he has issues with his self worth and gravitates towards people who confirm that feeling for him, rather than people who actually makes him almost believe he's worth more.

I know his happiness isn't my responsibility, but it hurts a lot to see him unhappy, and I really just want to help him.
 
Instead of fighting against him trying to force him to see your view. Do the opposite be overly supportive. Dont point out the negativity in his other friendships - instead be positive. If they really are negative to him then he has to realize that for himself.
 
Yeah that's good advice- I just need to learn to fight against myself, cos I'm very impulsive and honest, and I tend to just say what's on my mind, which is not a good thing.

This particular friend of his, I think she has some good points, and she has been more positive lately, so hopefully he's getting something out of this friendship, but she's very self-centred and she has hurt him more than once in the past, and I guess I'm just very wary of the fact that she's likely to do it again the next time some guy comes along, and after my mate has started depending on her friendship more.

Maybe it is just a case of waiting it out, and being there for him if/when it does all go **** up, but it's hard to think of him hurting that way again- I'm very protective over my friends, really can't stand to see them hurt. It also probably doesn't help that I'm a super-anal thinker =(
 
Surfer said:
Instead of fighting against him trying to force him to see your view. Do the opposite be overly supportive. Dont point out the negativity in his other friendships - instead be positive. If they really are negative to him then he has to realize that for himself.
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This=Love in action.
Someone did this for me, took me four years to see the light. I always believed I would change though and T.G. for the patience of the person who helped me.
 
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jmc007 said:
This=Love in action.
Someone did this for me, took me four years to see the light. I always believed I would change though and T.G. for the patience of the person who helped me.
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I think he really does want things to be different as well, so hopefully he'll see for himself what changes he needs to make to be happy. I think it's a very good idea to just support him, no matter what decisions he's making. That way, at the very least, if it does all go bad, he's sure to have someone who'll still be there for him.

To be honest, I would love to be proven wrong about these friends- I would love nothing more than for him to have a decent set of friends, people he can depend on no matter what. I just have this really strong feeling he's going to get hurt again, because they seem to have this habit of being around him when they need him, but as soon as it's flipped and he needs them, a lot of the time they've just not been there. I guess I just need to let it happen if it's going to, and be there for him if/when he needs me.

Thanks for the advice- this has been bothering me a lot lately, and it helps to have an impartial view on it. =)
 
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