When your child wants to move home.....

Scania

Scania

Scania

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On the road....
My 13 year old has gone home this weekend from staying with me as she does every weekend and announced to her Mum & Step Dad that she is going to live with me!

On Saturday, she asked me if I'd like it if she lived with me, I said yes, I would - and she knows this - but also explained that due to the hours that I work me looking after her would be difficult and also that her "life" , School, friends etc is on one side of the City and I'm on the other.

Its got me thinking though, and thinking seriously about it.

As I say, i would be happy to have her with me, I'm not so sure how I'd arrange work. But one thing I do know from friends who have had similar experiences, if the child wants to move, there's not a great deal you can do to ultimately prevent it.

I am fairly sure this is something of a phase she may well be going through, she's not previously seriously given me the impression she wants to move, or is unhappy in any way at home, quite the reverse in fact.

I'm quite sure its probably her thinking I'd be "soft old Dad" that I admit I am when I have her - its hard to be too diciplined when you spend such limited time together, that said, when she stays with me for a few days, I am firm with her and she knows it.... Is it a "Grass Greener" situation perhaps?? I don't know.....

So if anybody has any experience of this, I'd be grateful of your opinions / views.

Thanks. :)
 
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it's a very complicated situation (from a divorced family myself) also i have 4 step children and 2 of my own.

It really depends on how you still get on with her mum, if u are still friends and chat once in a while it could change a lot for the worse as she might blame you for her moving and "putting ideas in her head" kinda thing

It really is a decision not to be taken lightly and will require a lot of thought and talking over with your daughter and will be a decision that really only you can make. How long have you been thinking about this?
 
I've been in the situation as a child however from a slightly more extreme angle, parents split and my mother shipped me and my sisters to Spain to live with our grandparents, I was never really given a "Is this what you want?" choice in the matter though to be fair my father really couldn't support us at the time so I don't blame them for that, I do however vaguely understand how crap it must be for parents going through the situation as well.

Any how, she's 13, I don't mean this to sound harsh but honestly is what she "wants" as important as what she needs? I mean of course it is for some things but when you get down to it you need to ask yourself and your ex/her partner is with who would your daughter be best off with?

Not only will she need to settle into a new school, she will be separated from friends and not to forget her mother, new environment and new routines that work around your life as well.

At such a young age is all that change really a good idea?


My advice on what to do if she is adamant and understand the consequences would be maybe some sort of trial period of like 6 months, the last thing you want is her coming to live with you, regretting it (no offense meant) and not feeling like she has the option of going back.
 
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Bloomin eck.

A sensible post in GD for once:eek: Unfortunately - I'd have to agree, it may be just a phase of hers - and is probably related to her getting a hard time with her mum - maybe additional responsibilites now shes a teenager(and wanting a quick fix with soft old dad)

Maybe a trial stay to see how you get on together for an extended length.
 
I agree with divo on the trial idea. I was just about to suggest it. It might also help to talk it over with her mom. Put forward the idea of say a 2 week or month long trial. Not sure how feasible that is with different schools. If it is possible for her to stay at the same school while living at yours then definitely think about that.

It's quite possible that it is just a phase thing as you said and once she sees what it's like living with you compared to living with her mom then she will be able to make a more informed decision.
 
Thanks for the replys, no offence taken!!

Its an interesting one. She's not lived with me since she was 18months old, that said, she stays with me every weekend and has done pretty much since that age.

I have often had the feeling that she'd like to live with me thinking she'd get an easier life, I am going to have to give her a few more chores to do around the house perhaps?

However, she is already the sort of child who will happily (!) without prompting, do the washing up, hoover, whatever. She's great like that and my sister loves to have her over to help look after her babies & small kids!

I have in all honesty longed to have her with me since me and the ex split. But, with my job and the hours I work (nights) its pretty impracticable not to mention I hope to be driving in Europe professionally fairly soon!!!

Up until tonight, I was fairly happy in my mind that my daughter was happy and settled at home & in her current situation and I was more than a bit surprised when her step Dad called me to discuss this, its come as a similar surprise to them too by the sound of it.

At her age, what she wants comes into the equation a lot more than it did previously I guess, still, as alluded to, its not perhaps what she wants thats in her best interest.

Catch 22 for me too! On the one hand, I would be happy to have her living with me and on the other, I have a current Career path thats going to make it impossible anyway......
 
When my parents separated I basically didn't have a choice on where I lived, my parents worked it out and I ended up staying with my mum during the week and my dad got m e at weekends.

That was until I walked in on my mum and her new boyfriend getting down on her sofa... at which point I got the **** out and lived with m y dad full time, and it was definitely the right move.

My point is, why does your daughter suddenly want to move? There might be a reason behind it that needs discussing etc, something going on at school/home whatever.
 
Coincidentally my 13 year old (who lives with me half the time) and my 15 year old (every other weekend) are thinking of doing the same thing.

My 18 year old who has been with me for the past 5 years but just decided to move in with her mum. She was also 13 when she decided to stay with me rather than go with my ex.

I found that giving them the final say on the decision has worked out fairly well. Believe me they will not make this decision lightly. Me and my ex thought there might be some playing one off against the other going on but it hasn't really happened, yet.

Suggest the trial with your ex and see how it goes.
 
Makunouchi said:
My point is, why does your daughter suddenly want to move? There might be a reason behind it that needs discussing etc, something going on at school/home whatever.
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This I will be talking to both my daughter and her mum about, I'm pretty happy there is no reason as such, I'm a fair judge of my daughter and can usually tell when something is up......

Can't help wondering though.

Thanks for the feedback guys, appreciated. :)
 
My parents got divorced 13 odd years ago when I was five. Lived with my mum the whole time but recently started to want to live with my dad because I hate being at home. It's just something that has grown on me in the last few years and especially since I started university.

On the other hand my sister who is 16 has decided to cut our dad out of her life full stop.

Just make sure that your ex is ok with it and that you had no part at in influencing your daughter. That's the problem with my mum, all she does is moan about how everything is my dad's fault.
 
Tefal said:
Do you think she'd be better off with you?


If you can't honestly say yes, then maybe say no.

:(
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Thats a bit of a difficult one, on the one hand, of course I'd like to think yes. on the other hand, do I have reason to worry for her in her current situation? In all honesty, no, not at all. If there's a big underlying reason for this, she (my daughter) has kept it from all of us by the look of things.
 
Tefal said:
Do you think she'd be better off with you?


If you can't honestly say yes, then maybe say no.

:(
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The point is though that it's up to her. I know she's only 13 but if she isn't happy where she is then she really should move despite the problems it may cause. I was working nights a lot of the time when I first split up with my ex, it's awkward. Her move will make all the difference to her current relationships though, hopefully for the better.

She will still have to stay with the ex when the OP is abroad/at work. It's just where you call home that makes the difference.
 
I get the impression you'd like this, but you can see why it's not a good idea. When you weigh it up (from what you've said) it doesn't make much sense.

I think after a few weeks she would suddenly want to be near her friends again. Why don't you try the idea out over Easter holidays?

It probably is a "grass is greener" thing, like you say, and that she'll change her mind. Having her over for the holidays gives her a chance to decide if she does want to move, and removes any pressure on you to help the decision process or act in any way until Easter, just gives everyone a chance to think about it in their own time, it's perfect.
 
I agree with the people who have said there is likely a motive behind this. You should probably sit down with her mum without her there and see if you can figure out why she wants to move, like you say it may just be because she thinks life will be easier. It may be that the best solution for her is to find a way to make sure the way she is treated in both homes is consistent.

I believe my boyfriends sister wanted to move in with their dad when she was a similar age and he had custody at the weekends. In her mind she was treated a lot better by their dad because he was never the one who had to punish her.
 
Looks like you answered your own question mate, when you spoke of your new European career; would you be willing to change your plans to accommodate her wishes?
13 year old eh? tricky age for both sexes; you might need to 'be around' rather than in Belgium etc.

Have a serious think and a serious discussion with your ex before you do anything.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.
 
I moved between parents during my teenage years, and I don't think it did me any good whatsoever. Without going into specifics, I was generally unsettled..
Imo, unless she has major issues at home, leave her where she is. Moving a kid around isn't the best idea.
 
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