woke up this morning wanting to die

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Turn 40 single, no kids no job, feeling very unhappy, most of my mates have left the country so no I feel alone, had a few flings last year.

Ive had a good 40 years but it seem now I feel like crap, I'm aging feeling that i'm getting old, I feel that life is **** and woke up crying, I was depressed end of last year and refused medication.

What do you do when you turn 40 and realised that your dreams will not come true, and feel that your waiting to die.

It all started when I found some broken asbestos in my flat it sent me into depression, been told it was low risk that i'd ever get any negative effects, it sent my anxiety levels high thinking about it.

On top of that I live alone which does not help, I just feel pretty low. i go to the gym 4 times a week.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

I had a bit of a mad one at 30.

Think about your options. You simply need to do things to improve your lifestyle. The best thing you can do in my opinion is go down to the local gym, get yourself signed up on some boxing classes or similar and then just get socialising and becoming fit and confident.

The rest will follow

Been going to the gym for years, just I feel life has no meaning.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Get a **** job, whatever.
Save money as much as humanly possible. £5k will do it
Go East: Live there for a year.

Lifes easier with something positive to focus on.

applying for volunteer positions, get me back into work.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

First off you are the source of your own torment, go easy on yourself!

Stop looking back and stop trying to predict the future. All you have is the now and you need to start living your life in the now or it will slip away.

What are you doing this weekend? You need to go out get involved in something bigger than yourself. Where do you live?

In London, Saturday having a date but not into her, just don't know what going on, I can't sleep wake up with anxiety then it fades.
I always thought I'd have a successful banking career, but it turns out that I cant even get the chance to do that.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Try the meds? For some people they work well.

Meds are short term plus worried I might lose my hair on them or other negative side effects.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

do something like that... or even just a holiday

plenty of nice women over that way, join one of those language exchange sites learn a bit of the language, you could make some friends via that, then take a long holiday over there - save up your annual holiday allowance for it

Tried to join meetups but my social skills when I feel like this are crap, seem to talk about negative things.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Are you not more worried if you don't try them then things may get worse and you'll just be stuck in the position you are now.

its like 50/50 i knew some people that have pretty bad side effects on them, so I **** scared of taking them.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

This was me last year happy.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Have you tried counselling OP? Does your work offer any employee assistance services that include counselling? A lot of employers do these days but no-one uses them. Don't be afraid to ask for help from whoever is available - family, GP, others - I cannot stress this enough.

Already seem my GP,but typical no help here take these, the NHS mental health services seems to be pretty poor in this area.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Stop being so negative for a start.
You fit, healthy etc

Make a plan - whether it's travelling, doing a challenge, meeting new people etc - embrace the fact your only 40, your fit and healthy and just try getting up in the morning with a positive attitude and life looks much better!!

the problem I cant, I wake up grasping for air in the mornings, my anxiety levels are high when I wake up.
I know I'm lucky in some areas, but some how my brain does not see it.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

See a different GP then and keep going until you find one willing to help.

I've got a friend who came close to ending it multiple times early last year, luckily with some gentle nudging she went to see her GP.
Yes they gave her drugs which in the short term helped massively, but more importantly they sorted her some counselling sessions for the longer term fix.

It's the combination of both that dragged her out of that hole, without the quick fix from the drugs she never would have seen the positives in going along to her counselling sessions.

Spending the rest of your days rattling like a pill bottle isn't the answer but don't dismiss the short term benefits which can lead to a happier place in the long term.

I went to my local mental health team and was told that the waiting list is long over a year, I feel I don't have that time to waste, I'd like to carry on with my life.
I just can't explain it, but just feel unhappy and I cry, I should not feel this way but I do. I have nice stuff at home, live in central London the nice part but somehow I feel low, I feel like I'm a failure in life, I going to get old and die alone, a few times Ive thought I'd just hang myself on the banister.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Can you go private and reduce or remove the waiting time?

I highlighted the two contradicting statements which leapt out at me. I know nothing about depression or bipolar disorders but it sounds like you really need to get in front of someone who can help you.

Waiting for the insurance company to see if they it cover me, I should not feel unhappy about as i'm healthy however still feel low and just don't know why I keep thinking of negative thoughts specially in the mornings when I wake up.
My dreams are nasty towards the end.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Really you need to speak to your doctor about all this. Especially mention the suicidal thoughts. He/She will likely prescribe some medication, which would be sensible to accept.

Don't worry unduly about side effects of medication, when the side effects of not taking said medication is major anxiety and possible suicide.

Do that, and get on the waiting list with the mental health team - 1 year quickly becomes 6 months, becomes 2 months and rolls around faster than you think, and you need to kick start things.

Lifestyle changes might be what you need to achieve personal goals, but it's not necessarily going to help loads with your mental health - it doesn't work like that.

Its pretty bad sometimes, I also keep thinking about losing my parents they are getting old, just think life is so ****ing ****.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

forget the meds, they're not for everyone. I feel, in western society, we're too focused on 'quick fixes', what pill can I take to sort this or that...
Have you considered counselling or group therapy to work through what's going on in your head?

Main focus should be working on your depression, after that the confidence in yourself will grow and the anxiety will start to drop making it easier to meet people.

I know what you're saying about the gym, I joined one years ago as a way to meet people, I ended up just doing my own thing and not really talking to anyone, even the classes didn't help.
Have you thought about other fitness activities? indoor climbing, running club something along those lines?

The gym part like yourself I do my own thing, the classes aren't my thing, thinking about indoor climbing.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

Need to see a doctor, really.

Medication might be needed - messed up serotonin levels or whatever can spark anxiety.

Lifestyle factors are worth looking at, to help with general happiness, but those aren't necessarily what's causing the anxiety - other than being out of work perhaps, since that lack of a structure, and perhaps lack of contact with other people can increase feeling of isolation.

that my be the case, as I can't really focus on anything or identify the main cause but this has been going on for a while and needed to tell someone.
Its something that I can't resolve which itself makes me unhappy, there is no cause but only effect.

It's difficult to interpret my unhappiness, My happiness leads me to think about the above, but its very hard to explain it.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

If you tell your doctor or the mental health resource team you're planning on hanging yourself from the banister, you'll skip the waiting list. I guarantee it.

Source: Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, been dealing with mental health teams for the last 15 years and have been hospitalised. If I told my CPN next friday "I'm feeling suicidal and I'm thinking about hanging myself from the banister" I'd be bounced back into hospital so fast my feet wouldn't touch the floor. As for meds making you lose your hair, I take so many meds and such high doses I rattle when I walk, yet still have a great head of hair (but I shave my head because I'm cheap)... it's not like they're chemo meds.

You're being told there's a list because they don't think you're an emergency. So either your team is ****, or you're not telling them everything.

So get off the computer, go back to the doctor or mental health resource center and tell them absolutely EVERYTHING.

Its hard I feel embarrassed to, its not that easy. I'm not planning it but i do think it often.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

From what I can guess, you are the only cure. I would suggest start looking up at life and not let it beat you down. Get online, see if you can meet a few people / ladies and start to socialise a bit. Get used to people company, take up a hobby be it active or painting by numbers to get your mind thinking on something positive.

Meeting people online often helps if you are a little down on self confidence, the first date is never really the first date.

It is easy to get into a rut and can be a chore to get out but it is definitely greener on the other side.

Good luck buddy..

Have a date this weekend, however I just don't know why I truly feel like this, waking up in the mornings grasping for air and being scared, causing anxiety.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

I'd suggest cancelling the dating till you've got your head on straight.

But I feel that if I dont try and pull out of this it will get worse, so not going on the date getting out of the house will make things worse for me.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

I have an emergency appointment with the psychotherapist on Monday.

 

[Ilikeitblackplease]

woke up this morning in slight panic by the evening i'm ok again , its just the morning thats make me sad at the moment.