Work advise...

MeatLoaf said:
This is part of the issue. He generally falls asleep around 7ish. Then hes put in his bed. As soon as he crys she gets him and puts him in our bed. If it try to intervene I get it in the neck. Even the health visitors tried to advise her but she just thinks somethings wrong if he crys.

So concequently shes getting disturbed sleep and its making her cranky and its me that gets the brunt of it

When im off I keep telling her to go have some time to herself, go town, go her mums, go the pub do whatever just to get a break but she says no she dosent want to leave the baby. So I cant win whatever I do :(
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Sounds to me like this is the real crux of the issue... you can sort your hours, sure, but it won't fix the underlying problem.

I have sympathy with your situation, having a young one, but whatever shifts you work you're only working 16 per week - less than half a regular week. You're at home a lot more than most working parents.

You say that you 'get it in the neck' from your wife when you suggest alternative solutions? It sounds to me like this is the thing you should be addressing... you say that she won't listen, but if she won't listen to you - her life partner and father of the child - then who will she listen to? Consider having a serious discussion and firmly suggest that something has to change.

Does your wife work as well? Or just you?

EVH said:
@OP I'd just put your foot down and try a full week without going in and bringing the baby in to your bed. You'll end up with a 5 year old who won't sleep alone otherwise!!
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Very much this... Stand up to your partner before you start formal proceedings with your boss and risk your job!
 
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EVH said:
I'd love to live in your perfect world. Or anyone that has a young baby that sleeps through from a young age!

Our 3 year old daughter has a strict routine (8pm), but she only started sleeping through the night until she was about 18-20 months old. Even then, she will wake at 5:30am. We used to leave her in the cot to cry herself to sleep, but you still get woken up and sometimes when they're young they do need feed/changing etc (as you know).
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This is why I don't ever want to get involved in childcare threads generally :(

Of course, all children are all different, and not everyone will be in my "perfect world" situation, as you call it.

However, that said, the national sleep foundation say that the majority of children (around 70%) sleep through by 9 months. (Sleeping through the night in peadatric terms means midnight to 5am btw)

So, perhaps if that is not happening, its worth looking to change something?

One of the best decisions we made, for example was moving the baby into another room. I think this was around 2-3 months? Everything got a lot better after that. Oh, we were told to never bring the child into bed with us. We were told by various people that this would "create a rod for our own back".

Oh, and for people who might take offense at anything I say... I am sorry, please don't. I am just saying what worked for us, and the advise we were given. I am not trying to cause a fight, just attempting to give the OP some other options to look :)
 
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Malt_Vinegar said:
This is why I don't ever want to get involved in childcare threads generally :(

Of course, all children are all different, and not everyone will be in my "perfect world" situation, as you call it.

However, that said, the national sleep foundation say that the majority of children (around 70%) sleep through by 9 months. (Sleeping through the night in peadatric terms means midnight to 5am btw)

So, perhaps if that is not happening, its worth looking to change something?

One of the best decisions we made, for example was moving the baby into another room. I think this was around 2-3 months? Everything got a lot better after that. Oh, we were told to never bring the child into bed with us. We were told by various people that this would "create a rod for our own back".

Oh, and for people who might take offense at anything I say... I am sorry, please don't. I am just saying what worked for us, and the advise we were given. I am not trying to cause a fight, just attempting to give the OP some other options to look :)
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There certainly are more wrong answers then there are right ones, however I don't think you've been too far off of the mark so far.

No 18-month old child should be sleeping in their parents bed every night. It's not healthy for the child in the long term and it's definitely not healthy for the parents relationship.

I suspect it has probably become a pattern that you'll need to break the child out of - they go to sleep, they wake up, they EXPECT to go back to sleep in Mummy and Daddy's bed.

I can sympathise with the OP, my son is almost two and still wakes frequently through the night however normally a quick drink of water or a tender word and he goes back to sleep again. Very occasionally (i.e. if he's poorly) he'll sleep in our bed overnight.
 
OK just my thoughts for the OP.

1. Need to get it in writing, I was like you very friendly with my previous manager and it did nothing but bite me in the **** as he never put anything in writing. Fortunately my new manager does, she's far more formal about everything but at least we always have evidence of everything and she sticks by the book - so I know where I stand. Must admit I'm far happier this way. I'm also in a similar situation to you with a young daughter (just turned 3) so need stability.

2. Take note of your shifts, all of them regardless of when you're working nights. Having your own records, if you don't already will allow you to compare it to your employers records.

3. Keep on at the informal chats, don't come across as a moany so-and-so but try to sit down privately and have a chat with your manager. Don't do it in public, but as for 5 minutes of their time, in the office. This will make them take note that you really need them to take note.

4. Remember it's not a right and by not getting it in writing you did mess up. Sorry this might seem harsh but it's simply the truth, it was a contractual change, you needed it in writing even in just a short one paragraph letter. If your new manager agrees to it - get it in writing this time, but be prepare for a rejection or a watering down of the terms.

Regarding your 18 month old, here's a few things which helped my daughter settle:

1. Black out blinds.
2. Let them cry, takes a few nights and it's heart breaking but children need to sleep in their own bed regardless of how hard it is for you, them and your partner. It took our daughter 4 nights before she would settle when we put her down in her own bed. First night was 60 mins of her screaming, second night 40 minutes, third night 30 minutes, 4th night she was out within 10. We did the slow creep rule:

Baby cries
check after 5 mins of crying, no talking just "shuushing" and no picking up.
baby cries
check after 10 mins of crying, same as above.
baby cries
check after 20 mins of crying, same as above.
repeat 20 mins from then on.

It's very difficult and might not work for you, every child is different but it can make your life a lot easier and your partners too. Our daughter is in bed at 7:30 every night and sleeps through to 7am when I have to wake her up, on weekends she sleeps until she wakes, usually around 8am. This is 99% of the time, the only time she tends to wake up is when she's wet the bed, which is entirely understandable.

3. Check mumsnet "am I being unreasonable" to see if you're wife is posting about you :p
 
You have a wife problem not a work problem.

I left a partner of 8 years once she started with the "I want a baby" routine. ( before anyone starts... when we got together it was agreed neither of us wanted kids )

yes I did love her but she was a lazy bugger and I didn't really want a child, so KNEW I would end up being the one doing everything while she sat watching kyle and getting fat and shouting at me.... sod that I got out of there.

I suggest you kick her up the backside and point out how Easy she has it compared to others... sounds like she is starting down the landwhale route if you aren't man enough to stop her.

Sorry for being blunt but its reality time bucko.
 
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Halfmad said:
Regarding your 18 month old, here's a few things which helped my daughter settle:

1. Black out blinds.
2. Let them cry, takes a few nights and it's heart breaking but children need to sleep in their own bed regardless of how hard it is for you, them and your partner. It took our daughter 4 nights before she would settle when we put her down in her own bed. First night was 60 mins of her screaming, second night 40 minutes, third night 30 minutes, 4th night she was out within 10. We did the slow creep rule:

Baby cries
check after 5 mins of crying, no talking just "shuushing" and no picking up.
baby cries
check after 10 mins of crying, same as above.
baby cries
check after 20 mins of crying, same as above.
repeat 20 mins from then on.

It's very difficult and might not work for you, every child is different but it can make your life a lot easier and your partners too. Our daughter is in bed at 7:30 every night and sleeps through to 7am when I have to wake her up, on weekends she sleeps until she wakes, usually around 8am. This is 99% of the time, the only time she tends to wake up is when she's wet the bed, which is entirely understandable.
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18 months old is almost too old to start trying this method as really they are self-aware toddlers and not babies any more. Certainly an element of training is needed, but emotionally I wouldn't want to do that to my son now. They are old enough to understand you.

Plus, this only really works for children that are struggling to initially go down to sleep - not those waking up in the night.

With a new-born or young baby - definitely. (hindsight is a wonderful thing! :rolleyes::()
 
True about the waking thing mate, our wee one use to sleep with her mum buy by 3-4 months I insisted she start going to her bed every night. I didn't mind sleeping in the spare room but it was clear that it was becoming more about mummy than baby.

You need to talk to your partner though, it's really not healthy - at what point do you stop it? when they're at secondary school? 18 Months is a toddler, not a baby and it needs to start getting that feeling of independence.

We have been slow in some aspects, our daughter is in pull ups, can use a potty but just won't, she's getting there though and only last night did she sleep in her "big girls bed" - her cot with the side off so she can get in and out as she pleases.
 
Wife needs to see a psychiatrist, baby should see your pediatrician.

Also a. Any should never sleep in the parents bed, not least it has the highest risk of SID.
 
Well ive been in work and spoke to my manager. Shes asked me if I want to work more hours :confused:

Shes offerd me 32 hours. Ive accepted on the proviso that I get some kind of routine in the rota. Ive agreed to stay on nights and she has agreed to only put me on nights every 2 weeks. I did ask for a week of early, a week of lates and a week of nights but that's not possible unfortunately.

And I think the people who said my other half would only find something else to complian about are probably right.
 
OP's situation reminds me of a mate of mine who's working nights a lot and getting very little sleep so he can spend time with his daughter in the day, yet is still constantly getting it in the neck from his GF.

Screw that for a game of soldiers. :eek:
 
Your probably not lazy ;) but if you are being told so is the best way of starting to do something about it, women are crazy and love to complain about household chores regardless of how many of them you do or don't do :D

I bet she'll love it when you tell your doing more hours, good luck telling her!

Just tell her as it is and point out she is being unreasonable.
 
Yup..... if you don't work enough hours you are lazy and she cant afford things, if you work long hours and provide money and so on that's not enough because you are never there.... women want it all ways and use it as an excuse to then cheat on you :D
 
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