**Official** Joke thread

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Q. Whats brown and sticky?
A. A stick!

Gary Glitter bought 100 crates of GlenFiddich Whisky when he came back to the UK.
He was told that it was a cheeky little 12 year old that goes down well.
 
After his recent defeat to Prescott, Khan talked about how he was inspired by Nicholas Cage as a young boy.

His favorite film was "Gone in 60 seconds".
 
I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for City Link, so his threat almost certainly isn't true.
 
TimBrad said:
I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for City Link, so his threat almost certainly isn't true.
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That was actually half decent, hat off to you sir, if I was wearing one.
 
Mark A said:
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Not a joke but made me lol.
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Haha :D

What's the joke about jews and the number of holes on the shower head? Can't find it on google.
 
Ken and Blix I hope that you both never know the anguish at losing 2 third of your family. You know those programs about finding your relatives? Well mine only go back to my great grandparents and that's where the trail is lost as they lost their parents and all their brothers and sisters.

Rot in Hell
 
yermum said:
Ken and Blix I hope that you both never know the anguish at losing 2 third of your family. You know those programs about finding your relatives? Well mine only go back to my great grandparents and that's where the trail is lost as they lost their parents and all their brothers and sisters.

Rot in Hell
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mate you need to chill out. On an internet forum people tend to express their opinions quite freely........even more so when regarding jokes!

Quite frankly your comments are more offensive than theirs! Anyway peace out.....
 
yermum said:
Ken and Blix I hope that you both never know the anguish at losing 2 third of your family. You know those programs about finding your relatives? Well mine only go back to my great grandparents and that's where the trail is lost as they lost their parents and all their brothers and sisters.

Rot in Hell
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Difficult to draw a line when it comes to jokes. Someone is bound to take offence in some way shape or form depending on their level of tolerance but you ain't that innocent yourself to wish hell on people. I apologise anyway.

Well said, Aloreth.
 
Riiight, and to try and bring this onto a friendlier, less angry/offensive note:

I was off sick all last week.

I said to my girlfriend, "Call the doctor, I'm dying here! I've got a fever and a sore throat, and I ache all over."

She said, "Oh, quit malingering and feeling sorry for yourself! It's just Man Flu."

She was right enough. A few days later I was as right as rain.

Today my girlfriend took ill. She said to me, "Call the doctor, I'm dying here! I've coughed up a pint of blood, I've gone blind, and I'm paralysed down my left side!"

I told her, "Oh, quit malingering and feeling sorry for yourself! It's just Bird Flu."
 
Two flies meet on a bin. The first fly says "Hello mate, haven't seen you for a while." The second fly replies "I've been on the sick."

There are two flies on a door in Scotland. One dies. Why?

It fell in the lock. (loch, I know, but the pronunciation is close enough).
 
Aloreth said:
mate you need to chill out. On an internet forum people tend to express their opinions quite freely........even more so when regarding jokes!

Quite frankly your comments are more offensive than theirs! Anyway peace out.....
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How on earth do you reach that conclusion about the comments?
 
BooshFan91 said:
A panda goes into a restaurant and has a 3 course meal. The waitor comes over and says "would you like the bill sir". All of a sudden the panda pulls out a piece and shoots the waitor, he then leaves the restaurant with the cops hot on his tail. The police catch up to the panda and stop him in his tracks, they ask "why did you just shoot that waitor?", the panda replies with "look me up in the dictionary". The dictionary reads "eats shoots and leaves".

Not really a joke there more of a crap little story, but i thought it was pretty smart having never seeked panda in the dictionary.
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LOL you got the joke/story/whatever wrong anyway - it's 'eats, shoots and leaves'.
 
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