The ***Christmas Funnies*** Thread

Cosimo

Cosimo

Cosimo

Man of Honour
Joined
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That merry time is here again, so put your crackers (the good, the bad and the ugly) in here and we can have a collection:

platypus said:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Click to expand...

:)

simulatorman said:
A letter from Santa:

Dear ________

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here.

The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with V.D from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my ass in bird ****.

On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumb ass Newfoundlanders have scheduled Christmas for the 5th Of February.

Yours Sincerely, Santa

2 Cold Street, North Pole, H0H 0H0
Click to expand...

:)

Two people requested a story in the form of letters set to a tune, hope this is the one:

The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes

December 17th

Dearest John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those ****ing birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those ****ing birds.
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddamn cows. There is **** all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag

December 22nd

Hey ****head:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag

December 23rd

You Rotten *****:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those ***** ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of ****. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag

December 24th

Listen ****head:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

:)
 
ARR come on, the last one was great! never heard it or read it before.... 11/10 for making my laugh on a monday!
 
When does Santa put the bells on his tampon sleigh?





Over the Christmas period.
 
Not a joke but Xmas related and made me giggle.

santaflasher.JPG


Hope its not too rude for the forum ;)
 
Snakedoctor said:
All rubbish. Really, really bad. I would like to add, "Bah Humbug".
Click to expand...

This shouldn't disappoint you then:

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

:p
 
"Harry! Put your wand away!"

Love the look of terror on the womans face "No little Johnny!! Don't look!"
 
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for, a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing, "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

;)
 
Not one for doing jokes often, so here goes....



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
 
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