Ladies - Please stay out

:D

I gotta admit that this is the funniest jokes thread this forum has come up with.

The standard has been consistently high.

it's because the thread title asks the 'ladys' to stay out, thus removing a section of the audience the jokes usually have to cater for (the section of the audience that 'don't get it')
 
Whats the first the thing a woman does after leaving the refuge for battered women?

The washing up if she knows whats good for her.
 
One day, a little boy goes to his grandmother's house. The little boy asks his Grandma, "Grandma, can I jump into the shower with you?", and the grandma replies, "Sure, why not?"

So than they jump into the shower together, and the little boy looks down at his grandmother's vagina, and asks, "Grandma, what's that?" and his grandmother says, "Oh that's just my beaver", and the little boy says, "oh ok".

So later, the little boy is back at his mother's house, when he asks if he could jump into the shower with his mother. His mother says, "Sure, of course."

While in the shower, the little boy looks down at his mother's vagina, and asks, "What's that?", to which his mother answers, "Oh,well thats just my beaver, why do you ask? " and the little boy says, "Oh because grandma has a beaver too, except I think it's dead because it stinks and its tongue is hanging out."



A man returns from a long trip to the Amazon, exploring the undiscovered realms of the rainforest. He walks into the house, dumps his gear in the hallway, hands his wife a little box with holes in it, grabs a beer and sits himself on the couch.

She asks "What’s this you brought back?"

Between slurps he says "It’s a **** sucking frog."

Wife says "Eh? What am I supposed to do with this?"

He says "Teach it how to cook then f*#k off!"


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
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