Joke time!

After 18yrs together,my wife still gets upset if i use her toothbrush.If you know a better way to get dog crap out of trainers, i'm all ears. :D
 
Why has Edward Woodwood got 4 D's in his name?

Because otherwise he would be called Ewar Woowar...


I went to the doctor and said, "I think i'm a pig" - "How long have you felt like that?" he replied..."About three weeeeek weeeek weeeeeks!"


The manager of an office wants to motivate his staff so he puts up a sign saying "THINK" above the basin in the staff restroom. Upon returning he finds a new sign above the dispenser saying "THOAP"


What's an Ig? An Eskimo's house without a toilet.


Blind man holding a piece of crispbread:
"Who the hell wrote this?!"
 
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A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up. "What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender. The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails. The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That`s amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come from?". The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I grant you one wish" he says to the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" says the bartender. "Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp. Moments pass. Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another. They appear on the bar stools...on the tables...on the Budweiser sign on the wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar! "Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn't`t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!". The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
 
teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at
the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand' :p
 
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."



What did the dog say to the tree?

"Bark."



Why was the Tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing.



Why don't cannibals eat comedians?

Because they taste funny.
 
One day when the professor walked to the black board, she noticed someone
had handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around,
scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly
erased it,and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the
word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again,she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,
so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word,
larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in,expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
 
First kid: "I've got the fastest dad in the world. He's an F1 racing driver; finishes work at Five but gets home at quarter past."
Second Kid: "I've got the fastest dad in the world. He's an astronaut with NASA; finishes at five but gets home by five past."
Third kid: "I've got you both beat. My dad's way faster than your dads."
First and second kids: "What? Faster than a racing driver and a shuttle pilot. What does your dad do?"
Third kid: " He's a council worker; finishes at five but he's always home by half four."
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the bo y for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A min ute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
 
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