greiving for my dad

My Dad died in April last year having be ill for some time. He had cancer of the blood which was treated with chemo and he got the all clear. He did however have ongoing problems from a triple heart bypass 30 odd years ago (when they gave him about 10-15 years to live - God job Dad :))

Anyway, we all knew he was ill but he had fought so well and just seemed normal to us, then one morning I got a call from my Mum (they were living in France at the time and had been for about 4/5 years) and she told me he passed away in his sleep.

Anyway, I struggled for so long, especially at work. I ended up getting signed off and I had some time to myself which helped.

My mum is moving back to England in a month and to be honest it has brought it all back home to me. It really does suck so much and I don't really know what to say to you other than I know how hard it is. Make sure you are there for the rest of your family and be sure to talk to them about how you're feeling as I found this extremely helpful.

The hardest parts for me are times like his birthday when I was thinking about all the things I could have got him (even though for years before I never had a clue)
Then there is just the random things you want to tell them about, or ask about, go for a pint with them etc :(

Chin up mate!
 
Even though i dont know you i would like to say from what you have said you were a true son to your father, he looked after you when you were young and you in turn looked after him when he needed it, you and only you will know whats best for you to move on, just remember mate moving on and forgeting someone are never the same.

Best wish's to you and yours at this time Al
 
My thoughts are with you MoselyPup. :(

With my father struggling (for the last few years) with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, I can only hope with all my might that I don't have to endure what you are going through right now.

May your father rest in peace, and you be at least thankful in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering.

EDIT:

Not showing physical greivence is nothing strange. I myself showed little to nothing when my Grandmother and Grandfather passed on, but I was incredibly upset "deep down". We all greive in our own ways.
 
A lot of what has been said here is true. My father in law was like a second dad to me as we were very close. When we lost him suddenly to a heart attack, it was awful and everyone was really upset for a long time. It took the family ages to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't here anymore and the way that he had gone. I coped for about a year, supporting my husabnd and his family and sorting out his papers etc., then I just had a really bad time for a while and little thing set me off crying.

We lost my mother in law at the end of last year and this was a long drawn out process due to dementia. We said goodbye to her some years ago as she was just a shell of a human for the last few years. When she went we were sad, but please in a way that she was at peace at last.

These different situations caused different types of grief and mourning, so you seem to be reacting perfectly normally. Just don't be surprised if some little thing sets you off some months or even years down the road, though.

Time doesn't really heal, it just puts a little distance between you and the pain which makes it a little easier to bear. It's good that you have such positive meories of your dad and that you still feel him near you.

Best wishes to you and your family.
 
Evangelion said:
It is perfectly normal to feel this way. The grieving process is a long and complex one; there is no need to feel bad if you find that you're not responding in the way that you expected. There is no "official" way to respond; everyone's different.
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Exactly.

yermum said:
Time doesn't really heal, it just puts a little distance between you and the pain which makes it a little easier to bear.
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Nicely put. My Dad died suddenly last April and I hate it when people say time is a healer, it sounds like such a false cliche to me. It doesn't heal, you just learn to deal with it. The tricky part is getting to the point where you feel you can deal with it fully.
Amazing really the amount of daft cliches that spring up at times like these. For the most part I think nothing can be said at times like these, a simple 'That sucks' seems to work for me but bound to be different for everyone else in a similar situation.

But try not to worry OP, it's all normal. One day you'll feel more like yourself, it's just unfortunately there's no time limit on these things.
 
Haly said:
Exactly.


Nicely put. My Dad died suddenly last April and I hate it when people say time is a healer, it sounds like such a false cliche to me. It doesn't heal, you just learn to deal with it. The tricky part is getting to the point where you feel you can deal with it fully.
Amazing really the amount of daft cliches that spring up at times like these. For the most part I think nothing can be said at times like these, a simple 'That sucks' seems to work for me but bound to be different for everyone else in a similar situation.

But try not to worry OP, it's all normal. One day you'll feel more like yourself, it's just unfortunately there's no time limit on these things.
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This sums it up, i lost my dad few years back it's hard just dont rush back to work or school too early.
 
Similar thing happened to me when my father died. Lost his fight with cancer on 23rd December 2006 (Yeah a bad time of year for it to happen). I was the only one living with him at the time and it hit me hard. The strange thing was all my family cryed at the funeral but yet i didn't. Just felt empty. I couldn't understand how someone who served in the army for 22 years, decorated with a M.B.E could have his life snatched away. In a way though I became more of a man as I lived a sheltered life. Within 6 months i had to find myself a job to support myself a house etc. Now i am very happy with a lovely girlfriend, a job that pays well and a house i can call mine. I always think of him and visit him as much as i can to "tell him how things are going". You really find out who your true friends are too. A mate of mine came down on Christmas day which was nice and another one of my friends family took me in for three weeks for new years so i wasn't at home all alone. My half sister and half brother on the other hand were more interested in the sale of the house. Really was a eye opener for me.

Even though i still miss him loads I learnt a lot so quickly and became more of a man because of it. The only thing i regret is that my children will never get to see what a great man he was.
 
I truly am sorry for your loss. I think at the end of the day everyone just grieves in a different way, there is no right or wrong. Your dad knew you loved him and would have done anything for him and like people have already said just try and remember all the good times.
 
adam cool dude said:
Similar thing happened to me when my father died. Lost his fight with cancer on 23rd December 2006 (Yeah a bad time of year for it to happen). I was the only one living with him at the time and it hit me hard. The strange thing was all my family cryed at the funeral but yet i didn't. Just felt empty. I couldn't understand how someone who served in the army for 22 years, decorated with a M.B.E could have his life snatched away. In a way though I became more of a man as I lived a sheltered life. Within 6 months i had to find myself a job to support myself a house etc. Now i am very happy with a lovely girlfriend, a job that pays well and a house i can call mine. I always think of him and visit him as much as i can to "tell him how things are going". You really find out who your true friends are too. A mate of mine came down on Christmas day which was nice and another one of my friends family took me in for three weeks for new years so i wasn't at home all alone. My half sister and half brother on the other hand were more interested in the sale of the house. Really was a eye opener for me.

Even though i still miss him loads I learnt a lot so quickly and became more of a man because of it. The only thing i regret is that my children will never get to see what a great man he was.
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That's one of the most sad side effects of a serious death in the family. It really separates those family members, and even friends, that really care from the rest. While it's a horrible situation, I guess it gives you more choice to forge the best kind of life you can - honouring those who did best by you until now.
 
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