The OcUK joke thread,(all jokes in here)

My girlfriend came into the living room with a new bikini on and asked me, "Does my bum look big in this?"

To which I replied, "Yeah, it looks massive."

She got in a huff and was about to take it off when I replied, "But look on the bright side, at least it covers up your cellulite."
 
I’ve just had a leaflet through the door advertising evening classes in cunnilingus.

I think I‘ll go for the free taster session.
 
I saw an advert last night for a dating agency. The Slogan was 'Don't wait for cupid and fate'.

So I got the chloroform and a rag, and off I went.
 
A farmer has three daughters. They all want to go out with their beaus on Saturday night but the farmer insists that he meets the suiters first.

The first one arrives and knocks on the door and says, "Hallo, my name's Joe, I've come to take Flo to the show, can she go?" The farmer thinks he looks a likeable lad and insists Joe has her home by midnight.

The next knock of the door brings, "Hi, my name is Hans, I come to take Nance to the dance any chance?" The farmer thinks he's a smart lad so lets her go insisting Hans has her home by midnight.

At the next knock of the door the young man says, "Hello, my name's Tucker"

The farmer says "Get lost".
 
To spice things up in the bedroom department, wife and I agreed to try some role reversal, so she went to Ann Summers and got a strap-on.

That night she put it on. I cuddled, kissed and fondled her. Then she went to mount me.



I told her to get lost because I was tired.
 
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
 
Bono is on stage at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he leans in and says softly into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, ****ing stop it then you ****!"
 
One day a blonde and a brunette were walking down to the grocery store when the brunette pointed out to the blonde "oh, hey look at that dead bird.."

The blonde looks around around up in the sky for a few minutes and says "hmm, I don't see any dead ones."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom