+1
What did the accountant do when he was constipated?
Worked it out with a pencil
(That joke is funniest when told on Vicar of Dibley hehe)
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Wednesday evening jokes!
- Thread starter NormanPorkinson
- Start date
What did the accountant do when he was constipated?
Worked it out with a pencil
(That joke is funniest when told on Vicar of Dibley hehe)
Soldato
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This did make me laugh... and I laugh every time I see the advert.
Indeed
The other day my girlfriend put me in a tough situation; she said, "Do I look fat in this?"
Just before I told her how great she looked, my mouth started moving for me and I said:
"To be fair, it's a small room."
Now that her stuff's gone, the room is actually quite large.
Got a hearty giggle from me.
I was looking at this girl in the bar the other day, and then she sneezed and her glass eye shot straight across the room and into my hand. Like a gent I quietly went over to her and said, 'I don't mean to embarrass you but I think this is yours'. 'Thanks' she replied, 'let me buy you a drink'. After the drink she said, 'let me buy you a meal' and after that we ended up having sex.
I said after, 'do you do this sort of thing with all the guys you meet?'. 'No, only those who catch my eye'
My husband tells his own version of this this joke, but it actually works for him as he has a glass eye.
My husband tells his own version of this this joke, but it actually works for him as he has a glass eye.
Why do I find that cool?
Soldato
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good,"” said her mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?" "”Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good,” said her mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?" "No dear, it’s because you’re 25."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good,” said her mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?" "No dear, it’s because you’re 25."
I don't get it
i/8, or "I over ate".
Soldato
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Long one, but I've trimmed it a wee bit.
There was this guy called Dave. And his mate, Steve. Dave claimed that he knew everyone in the world and that everyone in the world knew him.
Steve challenged this, so Dave set out to prove it.
Next thing you know, Dave and Steve are at the gates of Downing Street. The PM spots Dave and shouts, "Dave! Come on in mate. Bring your mate with you."
Impressed by this, Steve decides he needs some more proof.
Next thing you know, Dave and Steve are outside the fence at the White House. Barack Obama spots Dave and shouts, "Dave! Come in dude. You can bring your friend."
Impressed again, Steve decides he needs just one more bit of proof that Dave knows everyone and everyone knows Dave.
Next thing you know, Dave and Steve and in the Vatican City, staring up at the Papal balcony. Dave turns to Steve, "Give me 10 minutes, and I'll walk out onto that balcony with the Pope!"
"Sure" says Steve, thinking it'll never happen, but sure enough, 10 minutes pass when Dave and the Pope walk out onto the balcony.
Dave looks down into the vatican square and is shocked at the sight of Steve receiving CPR. Panicing, Dave rushes back downstairs and back onto the square as he thinks his best mate Steve is dead.
Fortunately, the CPR worked and Steve had come around.
"What happened?" cried Dave.
"Well, said Steve, "I was fine until some guy behind me shouted, "Who the hell's that up on the Balcony with Dave!""
There was this guy called Dave. And his mate, Steve. Dave claimed that he knew everyone in the world and that everyone in the world knew him.
Steve challenged this, so Dave set out to prove it.
Next thing you know, Dave and Steve are at the gates of Downing Street. The PM spots Dave and shouts, "Dave! Come on in mate. Bring your mate with you."
Impressed by this, Steve decides he needs some more proof.
Next thing you know, Dave and Steve are outside the fence at the White House. Barack Obama spots Dave and shouts, "Dave! Come in dude. You can bring your friend."
Impressed again, Steve decides he needs just one more bit of proof that Dave knows everyone and everyone knows Dave.
Next thing you know, Dave and Steve and in the Vatican City, staring up at the Papal balcony. Dave turns to Steve, "Give me 10 minutes, and I'll walk out onto that balcony with the Pope!"
"Sure" says Steve, thinking it'll never happen, but sure enough, 10 minutes pass when Dave and the Pope walk out onto the balcony.
Dave looks down into the vatican square and is shocked at the sight of Steve receiving CPR. Panicing, Dave rushes back downstairs and back onto the square as he thinks his best mate Steve is dead.
Fortunately, the CPR worked and Steve had come around.
"What happened?" cried Dave.
"Well, said Steve, "I was fine until some guy behind me shouted, "Who the hell's that up on the Balcony with Dave!""
When david beckham scores i drink BECKS
When paul scholes scores i drink SKOL
When kenny miller scores i drink MILLER
Thankgod David seamen was a goalie!
bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except stella. Barman asks ' whats wrong with stella?' Bloke says ' i had 12 pints of stella last night and when i came round i was ******* skint' Barman says ' 12 pints of anything costs about the same mate' bloke replies ' Skint is my dog's name'
When paul scholes scores i drink SKOL
When kenny miller scores i drink MILLER
Thankgod David seamen was a goalie!
bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except stella. Barman asks ' whats wrong with stella?' Bloke says ' i had 12 pints of stella last night and when i came round i was ******* skint' Barman says ' 12 pints of anything costs about the same mate' bloke replies ' Skint is my dog's name'