Tuesday Jokes

Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their predicament would be exploitative. - Bill Bailey
 
A farmer's wife is in bed when her husband walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm.
"Darling," he says, "let me introduce you to the fat ugly pig I'm forced to make love to when you're not in the mood".
"I think you'll find that that's a sheep". She sneers.
"I think you'll find that I was talking to the sheep. He replies.
 
simulatorman said:
There were 3 men, one Englishman one Scotsman and one Irishman. They were all sentenced to death by shooting so the policeman took them around the back of the court to be shot.

The Englishman was first, so he went up and waited, and the policeman said ready, aim, then the Englishman shouted 'blizzard'.

While everyone was looking for the blizzard, the man got away. So the Scotsman did the same thing, except he yelled out 'duck' and he too got away. The Irishman steps up and when the policeman said ready, aim, the Irishman yelled 'fire'.
Click to expand...
Lol, kinda predictable, but still very funny :D
 
An english man, scots man and irish man are sentenced to death. They are allowed to choose the way they die.

The english man asks for a crate of fine cigars and smokes himself to death.

The scots man asks for a crate full of whisky and drinks himself to death.

The irish man asks to be injected with the aids virus. Upon finishing the injection he begins laughing to himself. When asked why he says "Ha! I've fooled you all. I'm wearing a condom!".
 
An Irishman is sitting in a pub one night when three Englishmen walk in. The men sit down and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, "Watch this." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey mate, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey mate, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

So the Englishman, frustratedly, goes and sits down with his friends. When the third Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin'."
 
Totality said:
An english man, scots man and irish man are sentenced to death. They are allowed to choose the way they die.

The english man asks for a crate of fine cigars and smokes himself to death.

The scots man asks for a crate full of whisky and drinks himself to death.

The irish man asks to be injected with the aids virus. Upon finishing the injection he begins laughing to himself. When asked why he says "Ha! I've fooled you all. I'm wearing a condom!".
Click to expand...


What a smart guy.

He has extended how long he with live. With the right medication he will live for years!
 
Obligatory joke for any joke thread until I get a positive reaction from someone here:


Little girl standing next to her father at the barber eating a cupcake.

Barber looks at her and says, "You'd better watch out, honey. You're going to get hair on your muffin."

Little girl looks up at him excited and says, "Yeah! And one day I'm gonna get boobs, too!"
 
What with all the recent upcoming election manifesto's I've decided I'm going to vote for the Icelandic Volcano Party as they've done more to stop immigration in the last five days than Labour's done in the last 10 years :p
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom