Ricky: Suede, "Animal Nitrate". That's d- d- really got a Johnny Marr influence at the end, that guitar, innit?
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: They still- yeah.
Steve: Still brilliant.
Ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Tell us about this monkey, Karl.
Karl: You're gonna love this one, Steve, right.
Steve: Go on.
Karl: Uhh, yeah, so last week we were talkin' about how, like, a lad left his family cuz there was problems at home and that. He went and lived in the wood, he got hairy, right?
Ricky: N- no!
Steve: Leave it there, Rick.
Ricky: Awwww.
Steve: We haven't got time to go into it.
Karl: Right, so--
Steve: That's what happened.
Karl: And that's what happened: he lived with the monkeys, he went hairy--
Steve: That's fine.
Karl: Anyway--
Ricky: N--
Steve: That's what happened!
Karl: Looked into, uhh, some other stuff about, like, hairy kids and all that.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: Came across this story about a bloke, right, who worked in a zoo...
Steve: Ohh, dear.
Karl: Right? So, uhh--
Steve: Trouble's brewing.
Karl: L- lovin' his job and that. But, t- it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people, you're just dealing with animals all the time, right.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: So, anyway--
Ricky: Well--
Karl: He get's a bit pally with a monkey cuz it's the closest thing to- to a human.
Ricky: Well, an ape is.
Steve: Right.
Karl: Yeah, but you can't really go that close to apes.
Ricky: Well--
Karl: Cuz they're dangerous.
Ricky: What do you mean? What type was it? Do you mean a chimp--
Steve: Just let him tell the story.
Ricky: Was it a chimpanzee?
Karl: I reckon it was a chimp, yeah.
Ricky: Oh, so you don't even know, so it was an ape.
Karl: It was a chimp. It was a chimp.
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, does it? It's a story.
Steve: So he get's pally with him...
Karl: So he gets pally with him and it's--
Steve: What, do they go on holiday together?
Karl: Nah, I mean, it starts off--
Steve: On the pull together?
Karl: It starts off just checking each other out and, uhh, you know, probably sharing lunch and that together.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right? Anyway, this goes on for a while, he's, uhh- you know, they- they're gettin' on well and that. And then after a while, right, the monkey starts, sort of, imitatin' him a bit more and, sort of, walkin' upright.
Ricky: Ohh God.
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: Right? So he thinks, "Aw, that's a bit weird". Anyway, they get on really better and what have you so he thinks, "He could- he could live at home with me, this."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Cuz we're gettin' on a storm--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right. So he takes him home and before you know it--
Ricky: Is this the beginning of "Beneath the Planet of the Apes"?
Steve Laughs
Ricky: I think it is. I think you've seen this on video.
Karl: Well--
Steve: I- I'm worried- I- cuz he's already imitating him and they're moving in together- I'm thinking it's maybe a bit like "Single White Female".
Ricky Explodes With Laughter
Steve Chuckles
Steve: "Single White Zookeeper".
Ricky: (Laughing) AHHHHHH. Brilliant!
Karl: Right--
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: So anyway... So, he's movin' in, and it's getting used to, sort of, the- the normal human life. He's havin' a cup of tea in the morning--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Uhh--
Steve: PG tips.
Karl: Has a--
Ricky Cackles With Laughter
Karl: Has a, uhh- he finishes the day off with a-
Ricky: Ahhhh! Oh dear.
Karl: With a--
Steve Chuckles
Karl: Finishes--
Steve: Finishes the day off with what?
Karl: With a--
Ricky: He does- he doesn't happen to be at the piano at one point, does he?
Karl: A little brandy.
Steve: (Laughing) He finishes the day off with a little brandy?!
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: (Laughing) What- he pours himself a- is he wearing a smoking jacket?
Ricky: You- I'll tell you what, Karl, you're- you're a maniac, mate.
Karl: Listen, listen. No- this is what attracted me, it's amazing, right.
Ricky: Right.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: So, he's having his brandy and that, he's loving his life, umm--
Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly
Karl: Next thing you know, he, sort of, umm... I don't know if he loses it or he gets shaved but the top half of his body is hairless.
Steve: Gets hairless.
Karl: Right? Apart from his head. Right, so he's got a nice little--
Ricky: So it's the opposite of the kid--
Karl: Well...
Ricky: Yeahh.
Karl: This is what I'm saying.
Ricky: Well, that- that would happen.
Karl: Right--
Steve: Well, hold on. So you don't know if he was shaved or if it fell out.
Ricky: How did it say- "Uh, then the- the hairless--"
Karl: I'll bring--
Ricky: What?
Karl: I'll bring it in for ya - the story - and then you can see if I've gone wrong.
Steve: All right. Well, keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
Karl: So anyway- so, umm--
Ricky: Well--
Karl: So this is going on and it- it- he's having a great life. Then the zookeeper starts getting a bit annoyed because... he's having a better life than the zookeeper. The zookeeper's in the zoo--
Ricky: This is such shh- rubbish.
Steve: So, the zookeeper's still got to do a day's work. The monkey's at home, he's partyin', he's got his other chimp mates around.
Karl: Well, it gets to a point when he says, "There's no point in ya comin' in to the zoo because the whole reason of you being there was because you're being kept there."
Steve: Right.
Karl: And he didn't want to bring the memories back so he said, "You stay home." So the--
Ricky: You are j- y- talking such boll--
Steve: Just let him finish!
Ricky: God! I don't know if I can sit here and listen to this drivel!
Steve: Let me- I'm- I'm fascinated. It sounds--
Karl: It's nearly- it's nearly over anyway, right.
Steve: It sounds extraordinary, Karl.
Karl: So, he's walkin' upright, he's havin' a tea in the morning, finishing the day off with brandy--
Ricky Wheezes With Laughter
Karl: Gets a bit out of hand... only tries it on with the zookeeper's wife.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Ricky: (Laughing) Make him go away, Steve.
Steve: How does he do that?
Karl: Well, because he's around humans a lot, he becomes a bit of a charmer and uhh--
Ricky Wheezes With Laughter
Steve: But what- what is it that he can do to seduce her? Pick fleas out of her?!
Ricky: W--
Karl: It didn't say but--
Ricky: He's built. He was built.
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah. He was well hung.
Ricky Makes Guttural Sounds
Karl: So, what about- what about that?
Ricky: Well it- what do you mean, "what about it", Karl? It's obviously not true! (Pounding the Desk) It's obviously not true.
Karl: This- this wasn't on the internet, this was in a book. So, it's not a quick joke and just, "Aww, put it on a website." This is in a book.
Steve: I don't understand how the monkey--
Ricky: I love the fact that he becomes a charmer. He's got better tasting brandy.
Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.
Ricky: And he- aww. That is...
Steve: What is it he was doing that seduced her?
Karl: I don't know. I th- maybe because he was at home more than the zookeeper was.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: But what would he be doing, Karl?!
Ricky: I love the fact that--
Steve: It's not gonna be talking with her. They're not going to be playing, like, Trivial Pursuit.
Karl: Maybe- maybe she liked the silent type.
Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly
Karl: I do- I d- it didn't go into that, it just said it- that's when the trouble started.
Ricky: (Laughing) Karl, play a record.
Karl: All right.
Oasis - "Song Bird" Begins To Play
Steve: Is that what Suzanne did when she brought you home?
Ricky Cackles
Song: Oasis - Song Bird