Business advertisement letter to potential clients

[Rocker]

I have been thinking about sending out personal letters to local businesses advertising my IT business. Being ok at all the long academic writing etc, I'm afraid when it comes to things like this I have little experience and unsure of how/what to write.

I have drafted up a rough idea, but was looking for some input/ideas/criticism!

Basically I just want to send out a short but to the point letter informing potential clients to my new business I'm setting up.

Cheer ,

 

[neil3k]

looks fine to me

 

[t3kno_tr0n|c]

Too long if your going to be handing it out as a "flyer" or whatever.

If you are going around giving a personal introduction, then it may be ok, but its too long to read for a mailbox drop or something like that.

You could get rid of half of the words, and still convey the same message.

The second paragraph is pointless too.... It just sounds like someone trying to pad it out.

 

[Rocker]

I do not intend it to be a 'flyer' but I also do not intend to do a personal introduction. I indent to make the letter personal, by changing the letter to suite the recipitant, for example in the example show it is a small hotel chain.

I also intend to post the letter.

 

[Lakeland]

It should be "are looking to reach out to"

Also, you should provide information with the letter that shows the reader very quickly what services you offer and at what price, otherwise it will probably hit the bin quite quickly.

Edit: By saying I'm director, and, Call me personally, you make it sound like you're the only one in the business, most directors of a busy (good) company would not deal with day to day phone queries. I would also concur with the post below.

 

[Youstolemyname]

Better off phoning them or popping in face to face.

 

[Freakbro]

'Below' not 'Bellow'

 

[spudbynight]

It should be "are looking to reach out to"

"Reach around to" surely?

 

[Pestilence]

I work as part time copyriter and can write lettr for you. Good rates and your satsfiction is guaranted.

Email in trust.

 

[Freakbro]

"Reach around to" surely?

Hmm, don't think so 'reach out to' is fine.

 

[spudbynight]

lol

 

[spudbynight]

I work as part time copyriter and can write lettr for you. Good rates and your satsfiction is guaranted.

Email in trust.

Hmmmm....don't think much of your copy here....

Copywriter not copyriter for a start.

 

[Lakeland]

I work as part time copyriter and can write lettr for you. Good rates and your satsfiction is guaranted.

Email in trust.

I hope those typos were for comedy value

 

[Lakeland]

Hmmmm....don't think much of your copy here....

Copywriter not copyriter for a start.

Letter not lettr
Satisfaction not satsfiction

Hmm, don't think so 'reach out to' is fine.

Make sure it's "to" and not "too" though.

 

[Pestilence]

The typos were indeed for comedy value. Good to see the subtlety was effective.

 

[Squink]

My opinion would be that if you're setting up a new business, you're probably better drawing up a short list of potential targets and giving them all a very personal approach - i.e. phoning and politely pestering the receptionist until you get put through to someone who can make decisions. You may be doing this already.

A first scan of the letter leaves a slight feeling of clumsiness over the line "sustain the efficient working environment you hold". Something like "to ensure maximum efficiency of your business" might work better.

 

[Rocker]

Thanks guys, have taken points into account and made some changes.

 

[rodo]

When giving examples you say "from..." but without placing "to" in the sentence it doesn't strictly make sense. Might sound better if made "from support and installations to network setups and security".

 

[DB_SamX]

Follow up with phone calls or a personal visit a week or so later. Most places may well not take any action otherwise.

 

[Rocker]

Follow up with phone calls or a personal visit a week or so later. Most places may well not take any action otherwise.

Great idea, I like this!