*****Official bad joke thread*****
- Thread starter Angst
- Start date
A man goes to a pub to meet a farmer selling his collection of classic tractors, after they have done the deal the farmer looks quite upset, I've spent years collecting & restoring those tractors & it's hard to let them go.
Whilst they are talking in the pub a fire breaks out & they all start to choke with the smoke
Suddenly the farmer leaps up & takes a huge intake of breath & sucks all the smoke in & clears the room & then calmly walks to the door & blows it all out.
All the pub are amazed, how the hell did he do that??
One bloke turns to the other & says - apparently he's an ex tractor fan
Whilst they are talking in the pub a fire breaks out & they all start to choke with the smoke
Suddenly the farmer leaps up & takes a huge intake of breath & sucks all the smoke in & clears the room & then calmly walks to the door & blows it all out.
All the pub are amazed, how the hell did he do that??
One bloke turns to the other & says - apparently he's an ex tractor fan
Soldato
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2004
- Posts
- 16,012
- Location
- Fareham
Why shouldn't women paint?
They get emulsional!
They get emulsional!
Caporegime
- Joined
- 28 Jun 2007
- Posts
- 52,812
- Location
- Tamworth, UK
I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought 'this milk must be off'.
Latvian Nursery rhyme..:
One potato, one potao, one potato, no more potato..
Soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end.
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
One potato, one potao, one potato, no more potato..
Soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end.
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
Did you win?
Caporegime
- Joined
- 28 Jun 2007
- Posts
- 52,812
- Location
- Tamworth, UK
This guy got arrested for setting Belgian detectives on fire. Turns out he was a poirot maniac.
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at B&Q, either.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at B&Q, either.'
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde girl was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
A mna carrying two rucksacks was stopped for searching and questioning at an airport when scanners revealed that both rucksacks were filled with mobile phones. Nothing else, just dozens of mobile phones.
Turns out he had a perfectly good reason for it and was innocent of any wrongdoing. A friend in a jazz band had called him and asked him to bring two sacks o' phones.
Turns out he had a perfectly good reason for it and was innocent of any wrongdoing. A friend in a jazz band had called him and asked him to bring two sacks o' phones.
Permabanned
- Joined
- 31 Jan 2009
- Posts
- 1,156
- Location
- Somerset
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Does he look like a winner?
Damn, you got me there
EDIT: That does look suspiciously like lipstick..