Groom's Speech help

I wrote a strophe (a kind of poem) about the journey of our life and read it out at my wedding. I didn't bother waffling on about thanking everybody (did that bit later) as the focus of the wedding was my most beloved wife, the form of the Goddess made mortal.

I had a calligrapher do a fancy version of the strophe on fancy paper for our first wedding anniversary (paper? Geddit?)

Relax, try to express your feelings and remember the day is about you and your wife not the guests.
 
God I've got to do a best man speech in september and am bricking it. I'm not naturally funny unless you get my weird sense of humour, so i'm stumped as to where to begin with that tbh.
 
God I've got to do a best man speech in september and am bricking it. I'm not naturally funny unless you get my weird sense of humour, so i'm stumped as to where to begin with that tbh.

seriously, i like a joke as much as the next man but why does it have to be purely trying to come across as a ''look at me, i'm a funny bloke because i have to be, being best man'' i will be a best man soon for a few friends and there's no way in hell that the first thought that comes into my mind will be ''this needs to be funny, think of some jokes!'' it should be pretty easy to write a speech about a close friend tbh
 
God I've got to do a best man speech in september and am bricking it. I'm not naturally funny unless you get my weird sense of humour, so i'm stumped as to where to begin with that tbh.

Here's the one I wrote for my brothers wedding this summer ....


Good afternoon ladies and gentleman
Before I start with Adams character assassination, I’d like to thank him, specifically on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words.

I’d also like to extend Adams words and offer a big thanks to both our and Yuan’s parents – for the support they’re shown throughout their relationship, but particularly in preparation for today.
So, my duties as best man are almost over; we had the stag doo which turned out to be pretty messy but Adam will be pleased to know that I will not be mentioning the stripper, I certainly won’t be mentioning what she did with the squirty cream, impressive as it was. Next was getting him to the venue on time and looking good. Most of you know I’m not a plastic surgeon so there’s only a limited amount I can do here but hopefully you’ll agree, we didn’t do too badly. And now finally the speech. This is an area that I’ve been thinking about for a while but I thought, I cannot possible pass judgement on sucha complex character as Adam alone, so I asked a few of his friends for some words to sum him up: Intelligent, good looking, witty; all notable absent but the person who called him a complete waste of space probably took it too far.

But if his own mother doesn’t know him ...

By this point, you’ll all have noticed your little place names are made from scrabble letters – whilst this meant that a few friends with too many vowels in their name weren’t allowed to come today – I hope you agree that they look great.

These obviously represent Adam and Yuan’s love for the game – and it was thinking about this that I remembered Adam’s love for board games as we were growing up- specifically Risk.

Some of you will remember playing risk with us but for those of you that don’t – it’s basically a game where you control armies and have to complete a mission; capture a specific continent, a number of territories and so on.

Now, Adam has always been the more intelligent one, and whilst I was busy trying to see how tall a tower I could make from the playing pieces, Adam was masterminding world domination.

And it’s with this that leads me into Adam’s love life, in which he’s taken a very similar approach; first of all was North America, then a few territories in Europe and today Asia.

Now, in my mind Adam has clearly made the right choice – but I asked Adam what first attracted him to Yuan – and he said;

James, I found someone that was excited at the prospect of coming back to mine and enjoying a 69. Of course, it was only when Adam got home that he realised just how much he had mis-interpreted Yuan’s love for sweet and sour chicken!

Anyway, what I’d thought I’d do now that you’re married is re-assure Yuan that Adam does indeed have the required qualities in order to make the perfect husband. Now, being the IT geek that I am, I obviously looked to the internet in order to confirm the sort of qualities that makes marriage work. Let me tell you, I found some interesting things, unfortunately little of which were related so we’ll go with what I’ve got and see how it goes!

1. Commitment – Adam has form here. He’s the sort of guy that is willing to break his own arm it order to have a go on a swing in some woods. He’s also the sort of guy that is willing to break his brothers arm in order to gain control of the TV remote. I hope you all agree that this really demonstrates commitment to a cause

2. Compromise – another important one. Adam is prepared to follow female direction up unto, and even beyond the point of it being very obvious that the direction is wrong. This time I refer you to ‘the car park incident’. This is the time when Adam found himself in a tricky position in a car park near home. For some reason, he’d chosen to park directly next to a concrete pillar. What became very obvious when Adam went to leave, is that he was more scared of not following a woman’s direction than he was of taking the back end of the car off. Another tick in the box.

3. Determined and strong willed – again, Adam has this one covered. Adam has strong opinions and is willing to fight (obviously not physically) for them to the point where he forgets why he had them in the first place. In the past he’s boycotted Christmas, almost got arrested for his poor sewing on an anti-war banner and conducted a very near silent protest against fox hunting. Clear demonstrations of determination.

4. Sense of humour – we all know just how important this is to a successful relationship. Any of you that have tried one of Adams home baked scones, or any of you that have seen the sort of shirts he normally wears know this must be a guy with a great sense of humour

5. Love – perhaps the most important of them all ....
It now gives me great pleasure to invite you to all stand with me and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Bradley.
To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple
To the Bride and Groom
*standing ovations etc*
 
Well mines actually about my dad and I wouldn't say we're the closest father and son ever. So even if I don't put a joke in or tell a funny story, I still don't know what to do.
 
Mine ended with

Now to finish with a famous quote, Homer J Simpson once said "Marriage is like being married to your best friend, and he lets you play with his boobs"

And on the subject of t*ts I will now pass you on reluctantly to the 2 best men

You have to know your audience, if they are all tight assed and up themselves tread carefully with the jokes/naughtiness, if most are open to a wee laugh now and then go for it
 
TBH honest it sounds just like every other best man speech I've heard (even though it's the groom speech, bad move). If you want to stand out with something then don't go on the internet and write the same thing everyone else does (I've written speeches just like this myself)
 
i have one in there already "I mentioned to my wife that we were going away for a hot and steamy honeymoon; I forgot to mention it would be to the kitchen"

This day is mostly about your wife - she will have been planning this day since she was a little girl. The last thing she wants to hear is somebody taking the p!ss out of her and i'm sure her parents don't either.

Tell everybody how beautiful she looked, tell her dad/parents you will take care of her and finish with how you both thank everybody for coming and you will now hand over to the best man who will no doubt proceed to make you all laugh at YOUR expense.

Don't be a t!t on the first day of of married life.
 
Just take a poo on the table and fling it at her dad. The memories'll last a lifetime.

Registry Office Wedding F T W -- didn't have to go through any of this crap. Just thanked everyone for coming when we cut the cake at the do, and job done!
 
Dont worry i have removed the bit about the kitchen :D, tbh her parents would think it's funny. but removed it anyway for safe sake.
 
this is what i have so far.

Sorry for the long post !

"


My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! To be honest I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech. Before I start, there will be plenty of toasts over the next few minutes so please make sure that your glasses are charged.

Firstly, My wife and I would like to thank John for his kind words and good wishes. And to thank him and Joe for paying for this lovely reception
…(pause and look at him) What? I thought you said…….No I’m only joking – you don’t need to find the key for the padlock on your wallet!

It’s lovely to see so many of our family and friends here today to help us celebrate the happiest day of our lives. I know that some of you have travelled a long way to be here and that means a lot to us. It really wouldn’t be the same without you all. From Me and My Wife we would like to thank you all for being here on special day.

Unfortunately, it’s not been possible to have everyone we love here with us today, but we know they’re here with us in spirit and they’re not only in our thoughts today, but more importantly they’re with us in our hearts. So, with them in mind, would you please all stand, raise your glasses, and join me in a toast to absent family & friends.

(To absent family and friends)
Chantelle’s Family
I’d also like to sincerely thank Chantelle’s mum and dad, John & Joe, for making me feel like the son they never wanted – sorry, the son they never had, right from day two. Day one was a bit rough, but I *think* they’re over it now, but they have never made me feel anything other than welcome and I thank them for that.
As a token of our appreciation, please accept this gift
Parents
My Mum & Dad has helped me enormously over the years and has seen me through thick and thin. Mainly thick, if I’m being honest but they have been there for me and I hope that I have done them proud. I really couldn’t have asked for a better Mother & father and I thank you for everything that you have done, not just for me but for me and my wife. Thank you.
As a token of our appreciation, please accept this gift
Bridesmaids
Apart from my wife, there are three other beautiful ladies here today. Chloe, Ashley & Chelsea, We’d like to thank them very much for being such wonderful bridesmaids. So, please stand and join me in a toast to the bridesmaids.

(To the bridesmaids!)
Best Man
I have known Ross, my Best Man, for nearly Ten years now and throughout that time he has been there for me when it matters and is always ready with an encouraging word, and a welcome bottle of Apple Snaps when things are going badly. And, if I’m being honest, when things are going well. I’d like to thank him for all his help in organizing the stag do. I’m also hoping that all this brown-nosing will be noted and that you’ll spare me some of your wrath when you give your speech in a minute!
But, most importantly I’d like to thank him for being a true friend. However, there is something that I need to make you aware of. Ross suffers from a strange condition that occasionally causes him to drift in and out of weird, strange flights of fantasy. He has been known to make up fanciful stories, absolutely believing them to be true. Anyway, it’s only right that I advise you all of this ahead of his speech.
As a token of our appreciation, please accept this gift


My Wife
Finally, I would like to thank my wife – I think I’m going to enjoy getting used to saying that – for agreeing to marry me and for making me the happiest man in the world, but also bringing our lovely daughter to the world. I think you’ll agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous today and when she walked up the aisle, she took my breath away.
They say you don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you can’t live without and I think that sums us up perfectly. Now if I had to single out one thing about why I love Chantelle so much, it would be the fact that she makes me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. And I intend to spend the rest of my life making sure that the reverse is also true. I know that Chantelle has put a huge amount of effort into making today perfect and I think that she has done that, and more. Having lived with Chantelle for a couple of years now, I have learned a valuable lesson – when I’m wrong, admit it. When I’m right, keep quiet!
Seriously though, I never have a problem finding the words to express my love for Chantelle, but if I start then I probably won’t be able to stop. Suffice to say that, Chantelle, I love you so much and I can’t wait to grow old with you. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise your glasses to my wife, Chantelle and our lovely daughter Mia

(To Chantelle and Mia !)

To Chris
I’d like to thank Chris for creating the fantastic flower arrangements and cake, on the tables you see in front of you. I’m sure you will all agree that they looked great. Thank you for your hard work Chris, it is appreciated so much.
As a token of our appreciation, please accept this gift.

Now, I’m not going to stand here all afternoon and bore you all with a load of stale old jokes. That’s the Best Man’s job! So, without further ado, I’d like to hand over to Ross."

Not sure you can take the credit for much of that!

http://www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-speeches/example_groom_speeches_5/rob-bucher_2205.htm

I'm familiar with it because I'm getting married this weekend too.

People will have heard all that before. If I was you I'd just speak from the heart. Good luck.
 
Mum and dad= John and Joe? Probably Joe and John ;)

Also your mum and dad have done something, not your mum and dad has done something.

It's apple schnapps not "snaps" also.
 
Mum and dad= John and Joe? Probably Joe and John ;)

I was also going to bring this up. Its also most likely Jo and John, since Joe is the masculine spelling of the name. (not important for the speech but might help when making thankyou cards!)

Edit: It seems most of your speech is ripped straight from the Internet. Forget for a day that you have the Internet and just write something yourself. Chances are it'll sound a lot more sincere and people will be able to tell that its from you. Also, imagine your wifes horror when one day she is trying to help a friend write a groom's speech and comes across yours, almost word for word on the Internet. Its supposed to be the best day of your life - the least you can do is try to write your own speech.
 
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