God I've got to do a best man speech in september and am bricking it. I'm not naturally funny unless you get my weird sense of humour, so i'm stumped as to where to begin with that tbh.
Here's the one I wrote for my brothers wedding this summer ....
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman
Before I start with Adams character assassination, I’d like to thank him, specifically on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words.
I’d also like to extend Adams words and offer a big thanks to both our and Yuan’s parents – for the support they’re shown throughout their relationship, but particularly in preparation for today.
So, my duties as best man are almost over; we had the stag doo which turned out to be pretty messy but Adam will be pleased to know that I will not be mentioning the stripper, I certainly won’t be mentioning what she did with the squirty cream, impressive as it was. Next was getting him to the venue on time and looking good. Most of you know I’m not a plastic surgeon so there’s only a limited amount I can do here but hopefully you’ll agree, we didn’t do too badly. And now finally the speech. This is an area that I’ve been thinking about for a while but I thought, I cannot possible pass judgement on sucha complex character as Adam alone, so I asked a few of his friends for some words to sum him up: Intelligent, good looking, witty; all notable absent but the person who called him a complete waste of space probably took it too far.
But if his own mother doesn’t know him ...
By this point, you’ll all have noticed your little place names are made from scrabble letters – whilst this meant that a few friends with too many vowels in their name weren’t allowed to come today – I hope you agree that they look great.
These obviously represent Adam and Yuan’s love for the game – and it was thinking about this that I remembered Adam’s love for board games as we were growing up- specifically Risk.
Some of you will remember playing risk with us but for those of you that don’t – it’s basically a game where you control armies and have to complete a mission; capture a specific continent, a number of territories and so on.
Now, Adam has always been the more intelligent one, and whilst I was busy trying to see how tall a tower I could make from the playing pieces, Adam was masterminding world domination.
And it’s with this that leads me into Adam’s love life, in which he’s taken a very similar approach; first of all was North America, then a few territories in Europe and today Asia.
Now, in my mind Adam has clearly made the right choice – but I asked Adam what first attracted him to Yuan – and he said;
James, I found someone that was excited at the prospect of coming back to mine and enjoying a 69. Of course, it was only when Adam got home that he realised just how much he had mis-interpreted Yuan’s love for sweet and sour chicken!
Anyway, what I’d thought I’d do now that you’re married is re-assure Yuan that Adam does indeed have the required qualities in order to make the perfect husband. Now, being the IT geek that I am, I obviously looked to the internet in order to confirm the sort of qualities that makes marriage work. Let me tell you, I found some interesting things, unfortunately little of which were related so we’ll go with what I’ve got and see how it goes!
1. Commitment – Adam has form here. He’s the sort of guy that is willing to break his own arm it order to have a go on a swing in some woods. He’s also the sort of guy that is willing to break his brothers arm in order to gain control of the TV remote. I hope you all agree that this really demonstrates commitment to a cause
2. Compromise – another important one. Adam is prepared to follow female direction up unto, and even beyond the point of it being very obvious that the direction is wrong. This time I refer you to ‘the car park incident’. This is the time when Adam found himself in a tricky position in a car park near home. For some reason, he’d chosen to park directly next to a concrete pillar. What became very obvious when Adam went to leave, is that he was more scared of not following a woman’s direction than he was of taking the back end of the car off. Another tick in the box.
3. Determined and strong willed – again, Adam has this one covered. Adam has strong opinions and is willing to fight (obviously not physically) for them to the point where he forgets why he had them in the first place. In the past he’s boycotted Christmas, almost got arrested for his poor sewing on an anti-war banner and conducted a very near silent protest against fox hunting. Clear demonstrations of determination.
4. Sense of humour – we all know just how important this is to a successful relationship. Any of you that have tried one of Adams home baked scones, or any of you that have seen the sort of shirts he normally wears know this must be a guy with a great sense of humour
5. Love – perhaps the most important of them all ....
It now gives me great pleasure to invite you to all stand with me and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Bradley.
To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple
To the Bride and Groom
*standing ovations etc*
, tbh her parents would think it's funny. but removed it anyway for safe sake.
That'll go down well 
