Why thursday?
Not the greatest start to 2012... gambling
- Thread starter NotAGolf
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Why thursday?
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Couldnt trust someone after that in afraid.
Good luck!
Good luck!
http://www.research-horizons.cam.ac.uk/features/the-psychology-of-gambling.aspx
Might be of some interest!
Might be of some interest!
The good thing is that she told you and she did so before it broke your joint finances or either of your lives.
You've already moved one crucial payment (mortgage) to a joint account. Consider what happens with others. Not because you think she'll do it again, but in the same frame of mind that you'd consider, for example, home insurance. You don't expect your home to burn down, but it's prudent to have the possibility covered.
The big issue isn't really the money. It's the lying to cover it up. You might want to think about how you feel about that, maybe talk with her about it so you've squared it away if it bothers you.
Getting carried away once, well, that's one thing. It's an expensive lesson in not being so foolish.
If she does it again, that's a different story.
I wouldn't bother trying to understand gambling. It's like drug addiction or religion - it makes no sense and someone who doesn't do it won't really understand it, but it has a very powerful pull on someone susceptible to it and it's very hard for someone who has been sucked into it to escape from it.
I used to be a problem gambler. Now I'm not and now I think gambling is ridiculous and incomprehensible. It is ridiculous - punters know it's all rigged in favour of the house. That's not hidden - it's a business that takes money off people, keeps some of it and gives the rest back, mostly randomly.
You've already moved one crucial payment (mortgage) to a joint account. Consider what happens with others. Not because you think she'll do it again, but in the same frame of mind that you'd consider, for example, home insurance. You don't expect your home to burn down, but it's prudent to have the possibility covered.
The big issue isn't really the money. It's the lying to cover it up. You might want to think about how you feel about that, maybe talk with her about it so you've squared it away if it bothers you.
Getting carried away once, well, that's one thing. It's an expensive lesson in not being so foolish.
If she does it again, that's a different story.
I wouldn't bother trying to understand gambling. It's like drug addiction or religion - it makes no sense and someone who doesn't do it won't really understand it, but it has a very powerful pull on someone susceptible to it and it's very hard for someone who has been sucked into it to escape from it.
I used to be a problem gambler. Now I'm not and now I think gambling is ridiculous and incomprehensible. It is ridiculous - punters know it's all rigged in favour of the house. That's not hidden - it's a business that takes money off people, keeps some of it and gives the rest back, mostly randomly.
Wow, a post that manages to be both insensitive and unfunny at the same time. Impressive!
Unless she was betting silly money on hands, the variation on Blackjack is almost 50/50 iirc (or was), so win one, lose one.
Now I know thats not going to be for everyone and you will hit streaks, but first off she should be looking at doing that sort of cash in a casino with a nice bonus tacked to it... at least then some of the money can be 'tossed' away as its not yours in the first place... 2nd, get some charts, stick to the rules, maybe even bet using the martingale system ie when you win a hand, next hand you double your stake and so on, until you lose/think that streak is dead
2k
Id give her 500 quid, get her the charts (maybe do it together?) and have a punt at winning some of that cash back.
Now I know thats not going to be for everyone and you will hit streaks, but first off she should be looking at doing that sort of cash in a casino with a nice bonus tacked to it... at least then some of the money can be 'tossed' away as its not yours in the first place... 2nd, get some charts, stick to the rules, maybe even bet using the martingale system ie when you win a hand, next hand you double your stake and so on, until you lose/think that streak is dead
2k
Id give her 500 quid, get her the charts (maybe do it together?) and have a punt at winning some of that cash back.
Give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Otherwise its just going to cause an undue amount of strain on your relationship.
We all make mistakes at least she is aware of it and has actually said something. No point dwelling now either, it's gone. Use the new year to move on and up
We all make mistakes at least she is aware of it and has actually said something. No point dwelling now either, it's gone. Use the new year to move on and up
I would also like to know how I can help a gambling addict. My mum is one, she has been ever since I was little. I remember she used to pick me up from school and head straight to the bookies, leaving me in the car even on a hot summers day.
A few years ago my dad tried to remortgage our house, only to be refused because of my mums credit history - she was in 16k debt.
I have spent most of my life trying to understand why she does it. She says she's bored and there's nothing better to do. I kind of understand this and it's very difficult for her to find a new hobby at her age (64). I guess you can probably help your girlfriend by helping her discover a new hobby, take her mind off gambling and keep her busy.
I've had to be forceful and controlling towards my mum - because if I don't, she won't know when to stop and it'll just get out of hand. I keep a close eye on her, there are even times where I've had to go find her in the bookies and tell her to go home.
You need to let her know how much her behaviour upsets you, it will then hopefully make her think twice before gambling. I would deffo block out the gambling sites if you can.
A few years ago my dad tried to remortgage our house, only to be refused because of my mums credit history - she was in 16k debt.
I have spent most of my life trying to understand why she does it. She says she's bored and there's nothing better to do. I kind of understand this and it's very difficult for her to find a new hobby at her age (64). I guess you can probably help your girlfriend by helping her discover a new hobby, take her mind off gambling and keep her busy.
I've had to be forceful and controlling towards my mum - because if I don't, she won't know when to stop and it'll just get out of hand. I keep a close eye on her, there are even times where I've had to go find her in the bookies and tell her to go home.
You need to let her know how much her behaviour upsets you, it will then hopefully make her think twice before gambling. I would deffo block out the gambling sites if you can.
Thats a lot of cash, I think firstly although she said she wont do it again etc, best to get her some help cause once you spend that kind of cash theres always the chance it'll happen again. at least she kinda admitted it though, so first and biggest step is already done.
I hope you can both sort it out. The fact that she has admitted it shows that she wants to stop, which is good.
A friend of mine is in a similar situation, albeit a lot worse. He recently worked at a store and a few weeks back after getting his months wages, he gambled the whole lot away in one morning (£1.5k) before getting to work to open the store. After losing, he opened up, cleared the work safe of over 5 grand and went straight back to the casino. Lost the lot and handed himself into the police station. I think he's facing a few years in prison.
Gambling addictions aren't good!
A friend of mine is in a similar situation, albeit a lot worse. He recently worked at a store and a few weeks back after getting his months wages, he gambled the whole lot away in one morning (£1.5k) before getting to work to open the store. After losing, he opened up, cleared the work safe of over 5 grand and went straight back to the casino. Lost the lot and handed himself into the police station. I think he's facing a few years in prison.
Gambling addictions aren't good!
If she's done it once there's a good chance she will do it again, her saying there's no need to block the sites is a warning.
Gambling can be as addictive as class a drugs, does she have an addictive personality?
Anyway keep an eye on her behaviour and if you catch her again you need to take control of the finances. All income goes to the joint account and she cuts up her bank card and you give her a cash allowance for whatever she needs.
Gambling can be as addictive as class a drugs, does she have an addictive personality?
Anyway keep an eye on her behaviour and if you catch her again you need to take control of the finances. All income goes to the joint account and she cuts up her bank card and you give her a cash allowance for whatever she needs.
Soldato
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If I was you I would look at cleanly separating your finances. With her agreement have the mortgage money coming out of an account in your name, that only you have access to. Have her pay her part of the mortgage payment into your account. Her legal rights vis a vis the property will not be affected as long as there is a money chain(obviously check with a solicitor!).
I have known someone who was a gambling addict, and it cost the family home and more. The selfish disregard in losing 2k is very worrying. I would put the relationship on probation.
I have known someone who was a gambling addict, and it cost the family home and more. The selfish disregard in losing 2k is very worrying. I would put the relationship on probation.
silly
very silly
You do understand that, even with 'charts', it is still a -ve proposition*. Encouraging someone with a gambling problem to gamble probably isn't a good idea and it is likely that you'll just end up losing more money in addition to encouraging them to do something that is already a problem for them.
*only instances (online) where it isn't a -ve proposition are where a bonus is available and these aren't anywhere near as +ve as they used to be a decade ago.
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Many of the replies are quite definitive in their approach, without offering any real or helpful advice. Make no mistake, I am not implying by any stretch of the imagination that I can, but I wouldn't recommend that you make any rash or haste decisions. This is your partner of six years, and if she's worth staying with then you must work at this together, as a couple. If you deem this "hiccup" in your lives to be too much of a strain on your relationship then perhaps this highlights discrepancies within your relationship itself?
This could very well be a mental issue, albeit a small one all things considered (the money, although rather frustrating, is neither here nor there). My question is, would you take the same approach would it be alzheimer's disease? Or any other disease for that matter, mental or otherwise? What is it about this turn of events that's annoyed you the most, the money issue, the lies, or the potential condition?
My two cents? Discuss this with her, prioritise your future and what you wish to do about this problem. As others have said, she's admitted the issue, that's 90% of the issue sorted. Now it's onto gamblers anonymous etc etc.
Work through it together.
This could very well be a mental issue, albeit a small one all things considered (the money, although rather frustrating, is neither here nor there). My question is, would you take the same approach would it be alzheimer's disease? Or any other disease for that matter, mental or otherwise? What is it about this turn of events that's annoyed you the most, the money issue, the lies, or the potential condition?
My two cents? Discuss this with her, prioritise your future and what you wish to do about this problem. As others have said, she's admitted the issue, that's 90% of the issue sorted. Now it's onto gamblers anonymous etc etc.
Work through it together.
This.
I know quite a few gamblers, and there's the type that blatantly admit it, and then there's the ones who compulsively hide it as much as possible. The ones who tell the truth are the manageable ones :|
Soldato
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My parents have recently gone through something similar. Not a lot i feel i can say but it was quite a lot more than 2k and has really put the strain on their relationship
ditto, my parents very nearly split up over this about 6 years ago, but the figure was more like 25 times the amount in the OP....no idea how they survived that!
Tom.
The good news is that she's admitted to you that she has a problem rather than trying to hide it.
I have a similar record to your partner (lost approx £1500 over the past 4 months or so, albeit on sports betting) so to help you understand the mindset of gambling, essentially you get a 'rush' from the event and of course a bigger one when you win. With internet gambling you never actually see the money going out, it is just numbers in a bank account; whether my online statement says I have £10,000 or £5,000 or £1,000 has no actual bearing on my immediate life, so it may be harder for some people to visualise the impact of their losses (compared to say if they were directly gambling their house, car, tv or sofa).
So, in other words gambling gives short term-highs but long-term lows. If you win you get instant gratification, if you lose it doesn't matter for a couple of months until your boyfriend starts asking why the mortgage hasn't been paid. This is a dangerous combination because in the short term gambling feels like a positive experience, you experience some wins but the pain of losing is displaced. In my case, I have yet to experience any proper lows because the money I've lost to date has all been 'disposable'. My life is no different than had I not gambled at all.
Human nature also dictates that many people don't like to quit while they are behind because this means that they've had a net loss from the overall enterprise. For example the idea of giving up gambling would be hard for me to swallow because it would result in a net loss of ~£1500. Therefore my philosophy is that I will continue to gamble indefinitely in the hope of being more successful as I gain experience (some of my losses I justify to myself by putting them down to 'stupid bets' on markets that I am unfamiliar with, rather than focussing on my 'bread and butter' markets). In some ways this makes sports gambling more dangerous than say blackjack because it is much easier to convince yourself that you are improving as a gambler and thus will be more successful in the future.
It is likely that this cycle will therefore continue over the longer term, with some gains and some losses, until such time as I run out of disposable income to fund my habit.
Another key element to aid understanding of why some gamblers rack up seemingly large debts (to outsiders - thinking 'how the hell could someone lose a few GRAND gambling!!!) is because like other addictions such as recreational drug taking, you can develop a 'tolerance' and have to seek out increasingly bigger and more frequent highs. I used to bet small amounts of money, up to say £20 at a time, only on selected football matches. Then over time I would find that winning say £30 every now and then didn't really give me enough of a rush. So I would bet with increased stakes. I'd also increase the number of bets I placed (on increasingly more diverse markets) meaning that rather than having a depressing day of say 3 bets with no wins, I'd have say 10 bets with two wins - losing more money overall but giving me the short term rush of the wins bringing in a few hundred quid.
I have a similar record to your partner (lost approx £1500 over the past 4 months or so, albeit on sports betting) so to help you understand the mindset of gambling, essentially you get a 'rush' from the event and of course a bigger one when you win. With internet gambling you never actually see the money going out, it is just numbers in a bank account; whether my online statement says I have £10,000 or £5,000 or £1,000 has no actual bearing on my immediate life, so it may be harder for some people to visualise the impact of their losses (compared to say if they were directly gambling their house, car, tv or sofa).
So, in other words gambling gives short term-highs but long-term lows. If you win you get instant gratification, if you lose it doesn't matter for a couple of months until your boyfriend starts asking why the mortgage hasn't been paid. This is a dangerous combination because in the short term gambling feels like a positive experience, you experience some wins but the pain of losing is displaced. In my case, I have yet to experience any proper lows because the money I've lost to date has all been 'disposable'. My life is no different than had I not gambled at all.
Human nature also dictates that many people don't like to quit while they are behind because this means that they've had a net loss from the overall enterprise. For example the idea of giving up gambling would be hard for me to swallow because it would result in a net loss of ~£1500. Therefore my philosophy is that I will continue to gamble indefinitely in the hope of being more successful as I gain experience (some of my losses I justify to myself by putting them down to 'stupid bets' on markets that I am unfamiliar with, rather than focussing on my 'bread and butter' markets). In some ways this makes sports gambling more dangerous than say blackjack because it is much easier to convince yourself that you are improving as a gambler and thus will be more successful in the future.
It is likely that this cycle will therefore continue over the longer term, with some gains and some losses, until such time as I run out of disposable income to fund my habit.
Another key element to aid understanding of why some gamblers rack up seemingly large debts (to outsiders - thinking 'how the hell could someone lose a few GRAND gambling!!!) is because like other addictions such as recreational drug taking, you can develop a 'tolerance' and have to seek out increasingly bigger and more frequent highs. I used to bet small amounts of money, up to say £20 at a time, only on selected football matches. Then over time I would find that winning say £30 every now and then didn't really give me enough of a rush. So I would bet with increased stakes. I'd also increase the number of bets I placed (on increasingly more diverse markets) meaning that rather than having a depressing day of say 3 bets with no wins, I'd have say 10 bets with two wins - losing more money overall but giving me the short term rush of the wins bringing in a few hundred quid.