Friday Laughs

Caught this on breakfast news this morning. As Mr Beckham is retiring, he will be investing in some new ventures:

- Bend it like Beckham - Panel beating and welding
- End it like Beckham - Funeral Directors
- Lend it like Beckham - Banking
- Mend it like Beckham - PC Repairs
- Send it like Beckham - Parcel Couriers
- Tend it like Beckham - Gardening
- Vend it like Beckham - Drinks machines
 
A man walks into a gun shop:

Customer: "I need a gun for shooting cans"

Shop Owner: "What kind of cans will you be shooting?"

Customer: "Mexicans and Jamaicans..."
 
Fluffybob said:
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault, I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it", soldier on.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake screwing me all night !"

The missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed..."I wish you a slow and painful death you *******!"
"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to stay now!"

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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Oh these are amazing!!!!
 
A piece of String walks into a bar sits down and proceeds to order a Drink

The Barman replies "Sorry mate we don't serve your kind in here!" and points to a sign that says "We do not serve pieces of String".

Saddened the piece of string leaves but comes back 5 minutes later all tied up.

"I thought I told you we don't serve your kind in here!" exclaimed the bartender.

"I'm sorry I don't understand you must have me confused with someone else."

The barman again points to the sign and says "There! You're a piece of String aren't you! SO sling your hook!"

The String calmly replies "No I'm a frayed Knot!"
 
One of my favourite ever jokes posted on here courtesy of Platypus:-

So three rabbis and a leprechaun are trekking across the desert. So they trek all day, then they camp out for the first night, and they're camped out, and a tarantula makes a move on the leprechaun. So the first rabbi picks up a canteen of water and throws it at the tarantula, and knocks the tarantula out, so they're all safe and everything's cool.

Then they get up the second day and they trek all day, then they camp out for the second night, and they're camped out, and a rattlesnake starts going after the leprechaun. So the second rabbi picks up a box of matzoh and throws it at the rattlesnake and knocks it out, so they're safe and everything's okay.

Then they get up on the third day and trek all day, then they camp out for the third night, and on the third night, a scorpion starts attacking the leprechaun. So the third rabbi walks into a bar and orders a double scotch and a milkshake. He drinks the double scotch and pours the milkshake in his pants. Then he gets a second set of drinks, and this time he drinks the milkshake and pours the double scotch in his pants.

Then he gets a third set of drinks, and this time when the bartender turns his back, the elephant just takes off, running down the highway, knocking over telephone poles and smashing cars and small trucks, and by the time he gets to the tollbooth the first duck asks, "Hey, would you pass the soap?" But before the second duck can even answer, the cop BURSTS into the bathroom carrying the monkey.

But the monkey gets loose, right? And he runs into the kitchen and starts smashing all the dishes and bending all the forks and spoons. And by the time the dentist catches the monkey again, the leprechaun shoves the scorpion up the third rabbi's backside.
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The Dread Pirate said:
A piece of String walks into a bar sits down and proceeds to order a Drink

The Barman replies "Sorry mate we don't serve your kind in here!" and points to a sign that says "We do not serve pieces of String".

Saddened the piece of string leaves but comes back 5 minutes later all tied up.

"I thought I told you we don't serve your kind in here!" exclaimed the bartender.

"I'm sorry I don't understand you must have me confused with someone else."

The barman again points to the sign and says "There! You're a piece of String aren't you! SO sling your hook!"

The String calmly replies "No I'm a frayed Knot!"
Click to expand...


Ok we have a winner for the worst joke in the thread. I laughed it was so appauling.
 
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