Friday Laughs
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The barman screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
The barman screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
LoL
Soldato
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Confession....
A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the $%^&ing putt, didn't you?"
A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the $%^&ing putt, didn't you?"
I just sent that to my mate who works for Blur
Of course he does....
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Has had me chuckling all day.
Boo, should have said hay fever.
Soldato
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Associate
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3 Paddy's on a building site, One says who can throw a brick the highest?
The 1st Paddy throws his brick about 15 feet in the air, the other two say "well done".
The 2nd Paddy has a go, his goes really high, like 30 feet, "amazing" say the other two.
The 3rd Paddy steps up, he throws his brick up into the air, they wait around for a while, it doesn't come back down....
HAHAHAHAHAHA cracks me up everytime
The 1st Paddy throws his brick about 15 feet in the air, the other two say "well done".
The 2nd Paddy has a go, his goes really high, like 30 feet, "amazing" say the other two.
The 3rd Paddy steps up, he throws his brick up into the air, they wait around for a while, it doesn't come back down....
HAHAHAHAHAHA cracks me up everytime
Soldato
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I see no funny am I missing something here?
Soldato
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- Joined
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A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a baby. The baby began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my baby."
He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a baby on this flight anyways!"
"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... "get rid of the baby", "put out that cigar", and so on.
Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your baby, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her baby." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!
The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her baby out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.
However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her babies leash! As she pulled the baby back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the baby had in its mouth?
A BRICK!!!!
He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a baby on this flight anyways!"
"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... "get rid of the baby", "put out that cigar", and so on.
Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your baby, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her baby." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!
The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her baby out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.
However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her babies leash! As she pulled the baby back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the baby had in its mouth?
A BRICK!!!!
Soldato
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Associate
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LOL Rusty
I was gonna come back in like 2 days and do mine, I find the longer you leave it the better.
My verison
Rockstar gets onto a plane, he's in a seat beside a women with a dog, the dog starts jumping up on him.
Halfway through the flight hes fed up, he says to the women, "if that do jumps up on me one one time its going out that window".
A short while later the dog jumps up on him again, he grabs it and throws it out the window.
When the plane lands the women runs out the door and looks to the wing of the plane, guess whats sitting there...
PADDY'S BRICK
I was gonna come back in like 2 days and do mine, I find the longer you leave it the better.
My verison
Rockstar gets onto a plane, he's in a seat beside a women with a dog, the dog starts jumping up on him.
Halfway through the flight hes fed up, he says to the women, "if that do jumps up on me one one time its going out that window".
A short while later the dog jumps up on him again, he grabs it and throws it out the window.
When the plane lands the women runs out the door and looks to the wing of the plane, guess whats sitting there...
PADDY'S BRICK