The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

I'm having issues with a relationship right now which have come to a head and I think its over. Its a complicated one as you'll see.

I lost my partner in October last year to cancer. I spent a year looking after her, our 12 year old daughter and our baby daughter (diagnosed during pregnancy) It was a terrible ordeal to go through for everybody.

I was left with a teen and a baby and felt very alone. One of our female friends came by a few times and we went out for company but we became very close and have been having a relationship for 2 month.

She has 3 children and her eldest daughter is in the same class as my eldest. We have kept it away from the kids so they don't get upset about us being together and we've kept it very hush hush. She is concerned people will think bad of her because she was a best friend to my partner and I should be off limits.

We went for a walk with the dogs on Sunday and I posted the pics on FB. Another "girl" friend posted separately "some people make me sick" I approached my friend as I knew it was related to the pics and she started crying saying how could this girl call herself a friend and its like my partner never existed and why did it have to be this girl that I chose to be with. My friend never liked the girl I'm with from the start, has a bit of a soft spot for me anyway which doesn't help and she is also extremely down right now - I even have her mum join in saying its appalling and disgusting etc etc.

So anyway, I'm a bit out of shape from the conversation. Lots of tears all round and hugs and me saying I don't expect you to like it but I hope you can accept it. I decide I need to see my girl as I'm feeling spun out and within about 3 words she's telling me we should end it. She doesn't want people thinking bad of her and she'll be the one slated not me. I spoken to a few people and even one cousin of my partner and they've been OK with who I'm with. This one friend has lost the plot over it and I know my partners parents would be equally miffed by it all - they also dislike this girl (she is lovely really but can be a bit in your face and not to everyones liking)

I really needed support yesterday and got turned away. On Sunday she's all "I got everything I need right now" and 24 hours later she ends it because one person thinks its wrong for us to be together. It hasn't been easy for us to deal with our feelings towards each other considering the recent past but we were really going somewhere. The kids were getting used to seeing us together, we were very careful and they haven't seen us kiss.

I really want to save this relationship.
 
Tbh if I were in your shoes I would just let it be , she obviously cares more about what people think of her than your relationship ,so ask yourself do you really see a future with somebody like that?
 
EddScott said:
I'm having issues with a relationship right now which have come to a head and I think its over. Its a complicated one as you'll see.
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Some people will instinctively feel that you should honour your wife's memory by being some kind of celibate monk in mourning for the rest of your life. They won't say that, but that's what they feel deep down. If you ask them whether you should be sad and never find happiness with anyone else for the rest of your life, they will deny it, but it's how they feel on some subliminal level.

These are the people to be ignored.

They are upset out of some misguided loyalty to your wife, especially as your new girlfriend will be seen as committing some kind of betrayal (especially if they don't like her). Even your new girlfriend feels this of herself because of the disapproval of others (hence her splitting up with you).

People don't realise that it's normal and more likely that you will get together with the people you know. Friends of friends, people at work, in the same social circle, etc. It's far more likely to get together with someone you know that some stranger.

If your girlfriend really wants to be with you, she will tough it out. She'll tell the naysayers that you love each other and if they don't want to be happy for the both of you, then she'd rather not know them. You'll support her and defend her against these self-righteous so-called friends who think they have a right to tell you who you should or shouldn't love. I'd be happy to cut people out of my life for a woman that I love.

Give your girlfriend a chance to calm down and have a talk with her. Are these ignorant people who aren't really her friends really going to tell her how to live her life? Is what they say and think so important that she'll give you up for an easy life? If the answer is yes, then you don't mean much to her, and never did. If that's the case, then you're done, move on. If she really loves you and feels there's a future to be had with you, then she'll tell the naysayers to **** right off.

It's tragic the way your wife died, but that doesn't mean you can't grieve, and then go on and find someone to be happy with. I guess your wife would want you to move on and find happiness again. That doesn't mean you've forgotten her or your children, it just means that life is meant to be lived, that people have to move on to function. People still want happy lives, someone to love and to love them back, for their kids to have a mother-figure. Those judgemental "friends" don't know anything about what goes on between your wife or your girlfriend, and have no right to judge or dictate who you may or may not get involved with based on whether they like the new girlfriend or not.

It's just a question of whether you can make your girlfriend see things the same way. Whether she feels enough for you, or if it was a lot less meaningful for her than it is for you. After all, if it's only been two months, maybe you are putting a lot more weight on this than she is.
 
JBuk said:
Tbh if I were in your shoes I would just let it be , she obviously cares more about what people think of her than your relationship ,so ask yourself do you really see a future with somebody like that?
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This.

Although maybe give her some time to think the decision through - it may be that she realises after a few days or a week that actually you're more important to her that what other people think.

Peer pressure is a hard thing to deal with but she may get over it in a short space of time.
 
To be honest, I got mixed up in that whole story. Too much this girl, that girl, that girl's mum, that girl's friend. I think I get the jist of it though. Some people think you should not be together because you now gf (lets call her that) was a friend of your wife, and some people accept it.

JBuk said:
Tbh if I were in your shoes I would just let it be , she obviously cares more about what people think of her than your relationship ,so ask yourself do you really see a future with somebody like that?
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I understand what this guy means, but I also understand your gf. I mean, its not easy to say something is good when 99% of the people think its wrong. Personally, I don't think it wrong to go out with a ex's friend, (even on the girl's part). But this situation is different. Unfortunately, she passed, so she wasn't just a gf, but more than that.

I understand your view. It must be quite sad and very hard to raise two kids on your own.

Its something you need to talk between yourself. Ignore what everyone says. If you decide to live together and raise 5 children together, then so be it. If you feel you want to be friends ('distant' friends, not close friends) thats fine too.

There is no right/wrong answer. I don't feel that there is anything morally wrong if you decide you want to live with this girl. What you need to do though, is speak between yourselves and set the record straight. DON'T let people's thoughts or ideas influence you or her.

EDIT: If say it happened to me (I was the one who passed, and my wife was alone) I would feel proud of my friend who is helping my wife in a difficult time. It don't except my wife to be alone for ever. That's ridiculous. I would have been mad if all my friends deserted her.
 
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My GF feels guilty about us being together. She was with me and my partner during some of the worst times last year and I do wonder whether this is a factor in her wanting to end it.

My GF says she can't defend herself to those that disapprove because she feels she is in the wrong.

The friend that got upset said she didn't mind me being in a relationship its just who it is. My friend thinks its a complete betrayal.

The friends' mum has sent my GF a message on FB pretty much warning her off me which I am furious about. Not only am I losing a GF I'm struggling to see how I can maintain friends with someone who has had a hand in ruining the one thing that has made me happy recently.

I've had a terrible time getting to grips with having a baby on my own which has got me down very badly. My GF has helped me come to terms with the baby and pushed me into getting on top of things and get my head straight.
 
EddScott said:
My GF feels guilty about us being together. She was with me and my partner during some of the worst times last year and I do wonder whether this is a factor in her wanting to end it.

My GF says she can't defend herself to those that disapprove because she feels she is in the wrong.
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She feels guilty - you have to convince her she shouldn't feel this way. She was there for you through the worst times, and it's not surprising you ended up together. Just the circumstances make it look bad to others who should have nothing to do with it.

EddScott said:
The friend that got upset said she didn't mind me being in a relationship its just who it is. My friend thinks its a complete betrayal.
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So it would be all right if it was some stranger you'd picked up in a pub? Tell the "friend" that she's not being a very good one. That this is your choice, and if she can't support it, she shouldn't be interfering with your life.

EddScott said:
The friends' mum has sent my GF a message on FB pretty much warning her off me which I am furious about. Not only am I losing a GF I'm struggling to see how I can maintain friends with someone who has had a hand in ruining the one thing that has made me happy recently.
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I would be very rude. The mother of one of your deceased wife's friends weighing in on your choice of girlfriend? Disapproving of the woman who helped you with a new baby and through the last year of your wife's life and her death? I'd tell her to **** off and never contact you again.

EddScott said:
I've had a terrible time getting to grips with having a baby on my own which has got me down very badly. My GF has helped me come to terms with the baby and pushed me into getting on top of things and get my head straight.
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Tell her this. Tell her how important she has become to you. Tell her what she means to you, and how you feel about her. If she feels the same way, she'll tell these two interfering women to take a long jump off a short pier. If she won't accept this, if she can't get over her own guilt at being with you after the death of her friend (your wife), if she's that easily affected by what other people say, then I'm afraid you won't get her back because she doesn't want it enough.
 
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Surely you should be with who makes you happy. If your gf (wife's friend) makes you happy, be with her.

Tell your friend, and most importantly, her mum, of f off. She has no right to butt into your business. Its YOUR business, and your gf's. NOBODY asked for their opinion.

EDIT: I agree with the above post 100%
 
EddScott said:
My friend thinks its a complete betrayal.

Not only am I losing a GF I'm struggling to see how I can maintain friends with someone who has had a hand in ruining the one thing that has made me happy recently.

I've had a terrible time getting to grips with having a baby on my own which has got me down very badly. My GF has helped me come to terms with the baby and pushed me into getting on top of things and get my head straight.
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Your 'friend' is not your friend or she wouldn't be behaving like this.

**** 'em, let her and her interfering mother know what they've had a hand in ruining and why you don't want to know them any more.

As for your gf... tell her all of this. Either she'll step up to the plate, or she won't. Whatever happens you'll always be able to put one foot in front of the other knowing you said or did what was right.
 
Thanks for the replies chaps. I've put the ball in my gf's court so it's up to her to decide if she wants us or not. She knew from the start it wasn't going to be easy. If anything I'm disappointed she folded so easily.
 
Haven't really heard anything from my GF last couple of days but got invited round this morning before work. Think she was hoping for a flutter of the eyes to make it all better but I had to get this fixed.

Had a good chat and it looks like she is struggling with her own guilt over her feelings towards me. If I'm completely honest I've also felt guilty of starting again with someone - not necessarily to do with who just that I have.

My GF apologised for bailing out on me and said it was because she feels she can't defend her actions - the guilt thing again. I went through all the reasons why she should feel confident to hold her head high.

My GF has said she wants to us to stay together but doesn't want to make a display of the fact we are together. She has said that she will defend our relationship if she has to but feels its more respectful if we just keep ourselves to ourselves for the time being. Those that know, know. Those that don't, don't need to know.

I gave her a look, you know the one. As if to say "That sounds a lot like an excuse" and have said that I'll go along with it for now but if anything else comes up and she does another runner then thats it. I'll not be going back.
 
Hi everyone

I've thankfully never needed this thread but have kept an eye on it out of interest.

I've got a family member who's just been dumped for the first time and is taking it really hard. They've been given the classic line of 'wanting to stay friends', immediately I heard that, I thought of this thread and all the "sever" comments! :D

Anyway, I'm sure I remember a link in here somewhere, possibly posted by magnolia, which is the holy grail on how to deal with a breakup...is that in here?

If so could someone please post the link I could do with passing it on.


Thanks very much. :)
 
TheBigCheese said:
Hi everyone

I've thankfully never needed this thread but have kept an eye on it out of interest.

I've got a family member who's just been dumped for the first time and is taking it really hard. They've been given the classic line of 'wanting to stay friends', immediately I heard that, I thought of this thread and all the "sever" comments! :D

Anyway, I'm sure I remember a link in here somewhere, possibly posted by magnolia, which is the holy grail on how to deal with a breakup...is that in here?

If so could someone please post the link I could do with passing it on.


Thanks very much. :)
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That forum has been 'restricted' i.e. you have to pay to view (I thnik)
 
Ah, excellent, thanks guys!

It's the Something Awful "The Breakup Megathread: It is a WWE analogy" thread is it?

Post 1 seems to have good advice in there, is that the thread that's talked about?

I'll pass it on if it is.

Cheers mattyprice4004, I don't there's any pearls of wisdom to be dispensed really, it happens to everyone, this is the first time it's happened to them after a relationship of over a year and they're going a bit mad with it.

Hopefully the advice and points in that thread will help, as far as I know it only happened yesterday so I'll maybe give it a day or to do settle before passing it on.

I know they rang in sick today instead of going to work which I don't think is a good idea at all, I'm sure an employer won't see it as a good reason to be off either, especially in a bar/table waiting job on bank holiday Monday!
 
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TheBigCheese said:
Ah, excellent, thanks guys!

It's the Something Awful "The Breakup Megathread: It is a WWE analogy" thread is it?

Post 1 seems to have good advice in there, is that the thread that's talked about?

I'll pass it on if it is.
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That's the one. I'm glad the many years of lurking on the OcUK forums have been of help to someone :p I have never had any reason to post in this thread until now
 
Guys just so you know, should have listened a lot sooner, but between me and my other half it is finally finished :(. Thanks for all the advice
 
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