The all new old joke thread

A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back.

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, that's Michelle!!!." the naked man explained.
 
Mother Superior tasks 3 nuns with painting a room in the covenant, before she leaves she instructs them they're not to get a drop of paint on their habits.

After a few minutes the nuns agree they should lock the door and strip naked in order to avoid the inevitable splashes and so they go ahead, strip naked and begin painting.

It isn't long until they get a knock at the door "Who is it?" asks one of the nuns

"Blind man" responds the person behind the door

The nuns agree they can let a blind man in for he won't know they are naked, they unbolt the door and in struts a bloke in overalls "Hello ladies, nice breasts. Where do you want these blinds?"
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
Man walks out of an antique shop with a Grandfather Clock, a drunk walking down the road bumps into him smashing the clock to pieces.

"God damn it what the hell man why don't you watch where you're going!" angrily cries the first man the drunk also rather livid turns and replies.

"Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everyone else!" :p
 
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ****ed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his todger, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do todgers," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying..........










"Just follow the yellow-dick toad!!!
 
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