Life just took a divebomb - 8 Years down the pan.

[rubberduck]

The best advice you can take is what was written on the note... Don't bother trying to contact her and move on with your life... Once you have accepted this, everything else will eventually resolve itself (no matter how daunting the situation currently seems).

 

[Angilion]

You all make sense it's just hard to follow. Like not seeing her at all.. but I really want answers, i'm not sure for what reason but damn. Is that wrong or will do harm?

It's human nature to really want answers. We're wired that way, so much so that it's normal for people to just make up answers and convince themselves they're the right answers rather than acknowledge not knowing the answers.

But it's also probably useless in this context because of the subjectivity involved. Even if she tries and is honest with both you and herself, she can't give you an objective answer because there isn't one. In the best case scenario, she could partially explain her feelings in an approximate way and some of her thoughts that followed from those feelings. It's likely that she doesn't really know even a wholly subjective answer anyway - who really understands themself? It's also likely that the explanation she gives to herself is skewed towards either blaming herself or blaming you, depending on how her mind is working right now, because that's what people usually do.

And all this is assuming a best case scenario in which she's feeling no malice towards you and is trying to be completely honest with both you and with herself. If that's not the case, then seeking answers probably will do harm to you or her or both.

But it's really hard to not seek answers anyway, even if you know it's a bad idea. We're all like that - the drive to know is very strong in humans.

 

[bloodiedathame]

1) Don't ever rule anything out

2) Do whatever you can that makes you happy.

3) Try to enjoy your new found freedom (it's not easy - I know - but try)

4) Keep yourself as busy as possible

5) Look forwards, not back

6) It will take a long time to get over this - but you will, no rush

*7) Try and stay positive, chin up. No one likes a moper.

This is coming from someone who has been there.

 

[arknor]

Nice words internet hardman, why not just beat his partner up since she's the one that cheated.

In the real world if you assault someone you will most likely be arrested and could even face time in prison.

not where I live.

I like how he just assumes he could knock anyone out as well. Probably never trained for any length of time in a martial art and swings like a rusty gate.

I grew up in a rough area, fighting was a way of surviving school back when men were men and if someone wronged you they knew what was coming so decided against it

 

[Castiel]

not where I live.

Nor here, getting in a fight is more likely just to get you separated by the Police and told to calm down and go home to sleep it off. Depends on the fight and seriousness of it all of course, but handbags at dawn is hardly going to register on the radar of the local Popo.

 

[Pawnless Endgame]

2) Do whatever you can that makes you happy.

3) Try to enjoy your new found freedom (it's not easy - I know - but try)

David, post your current system specs, and us Overclockers could spec you some parts for a monster box with the money that you'll save from not having a girlfriend

Also though, like others said, try networking with your old / existing friends so that you can build a life both inside and outside the house again. What age did you say you were - 27? That's still clubbing age

 

[~Dockie]

Ill admit i haven't read the whole thread, but if all she could do was leave an a5 piece of paper with "dont contact me" written on it after 8 years, then as hard as it is for you, don't bother, she REALLY isn't worth it.

 

[Nitefly]

Nope. There is a time and place for everything however, although this is not one that requires physical force to be applied to the situation.

Interesting, the older and wiser I have got, the more I have learned to appreciate the merits of '**** you'.

 

[Tefal]

Pack up everything of hers (that you dind tpay for )into boxes and set it aside she told you not to contact her, so don't try or ask anyone else about her. If she doesn't pick it up[ in a week chaity shop/carboot or dump it.

Things are gonna suck hard for a while so its worth making an appointment with your doctor ASAP and talk about possibly getting a supply of your usual/preferred AD meds and maybe some anti anxiety stuff or something to help you sleep/eat.

see if he'll refer you to any counseling, you might not need it but hey this way if things do get worse for you you wont be trying to get it booked and waiting for it when you really need it then.

Try and get some exercise and routine in. quickly now set two alarms for bed time and wake up time stick to them religiously. second that alarm goes you get in or out of bed don't put it off.

Your prone to depression so things may go down the swanny locking yourself into a routine even basic stuff like the order you get up shower/b rush your etc etc, actualy go through it and consciously do it the same way each time or try to improve your system

little weird things like this keep your mind together and in a good stable mood.

Sitting moping thinking about her and losing your routine will make things much worse much faster.

Last a few weeks of this mate and things will get better.

 

[Tefal]

oh but one fun one would be post on his face book "hey i guess congratulations are in order, i found the pregnancy test in the bathroom bin"

 

[Castiel]

Interesting, the older and wiser I have got, the more I have learned to appreciate the merits of '**** you'.

Indeed, what might have riled me up to a fight when I was 15-20 (pretty much anything tbh) I now just find irritating and ignore..like you say, shoving the proverbial instead is just as satisfying.

 

[Tefal]

Indeed, what might have riled me up to a fight when I was 15-20 (pretty much anything tbh) I now just find irritating and ignore..like you say, shoving the proverbial instead is just as satisfying.

I like laughing, they get really confused when your just sat their laughing at them instead different getting wound up. Usually makes them incredibly angry too so they're in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

 

[FoxEye]

She might tell you something you don't want to hear, why put yourself through that?

1. For closure.
2. Because even if he doesn't want to hear it there's a chance it might do him some good (depending on what "it" is).
3. It could even help him get over this faster.

There's no good reason to avoid talking, even if you end up hearing things you don't want to. The OP probably isn't going to kill her or vice versa. I hope.

What's your reasoning for not talking? After 8 years I would sure as hell want to know everything. All the reasons for splitting, and everything that went on behind my back (if anything). I would find it hard to move on when there's so much unfinished business, after such a long time together.

 

[David_VI]

To settle a few arguments going on. The guy in question definately knew she was in a relationship, after all he helped her leave (pretty sure) and everyone at where they work knew she was my girlfriend when she started.

Now who knows if this guy is really involved in her, verdicts still out but either way its shifty and he has wanted her.. so a matter of time.

Pack up everything of hers (that you dind tpay for )into boxes and set it aside she told you not to contact her, so don't try or ask anyone else about her. If she doesn't pick it up[ in a week chaity shop/carboot or dump it.

Things are gonna suck hard for a while so its worth making an appointment with your doctor ASAP and talk about possibly getting a supply of your usual/preferred AD meds and maybe some anti anxiety stuff or something to help you sleep/eat.

see if he'll refer you to any counseling, you might not need it but hey this way if things do get worse for you you wont be trying to get it booked and waiting for it when you really need it then.

Try and get some exercise and routine in. quickly now set two alarms for bed time and wake up time stick to them religiously. second that alarm goes you get in or out of bed don't put it off.

Your prone to depression so things may go down the swanny locking yourself into a routine even basic stuff like the order you get up shower/b rush your etc etc, actualy go through it and consciously do it the same way each time or try to improve your system

little weird things like this keep your mind together and in a good stable mood.

Sitting moping thinking about her and losing your routine will make things much worse much faster.

Last a few weeks of this mate and things will get better.

Thanks for the advice.
I believe she is coming during the week so I can get answers, I know there has been divided opinion on this but I figured it was worth a shot rather than always wondering.

I am fearful of the doctor because I can only take certain medications approved by my managers or i'll be put off work long term and I really could not do that. I'm assuming there is some medication that won't affect concentration. Also concerned because having depression and being a train driver is a bit iffy, I guess it would be okay as its brought on by major circumstances. I will think about it.

I am very aware and scared of depression returning, that'l definately turn me into a moper and I don't know how i'd deal with that. Hell I don't know how i'm dealing with it now, it's still early days and hasn't hit me like I thought it would.

The routine is a killer. I am barely independent, she dealt with the rent and bills and did 75% of the cooking. So I need to create a new routine and learn a hell of a lot of life skills.

On the agenda tomorrow

• Phone a glazier to get a broken window in the door fixed as its been boarded up for way over a year after we locked ourself out and either didn't have money or were too lazy to fix.
• Attempt to get 25% off of my council tax sorted, hopefuly can be done via phone

I've also been in contact with the landlord about moving on and all the stuff in the flat that needs to be fixed. She's coming over during week to take a look.

I'm really trying to be proactive, it's all new and terrifying though!

David, post your current system specs, and us Overclockers could spec you some parts for a monster box with the money that you'll save from not having a girlfriend

Also though, like others said, try networking with your old / existing friends so that you can build a life both inside and outside the house again. What age did you say you were - 27? That's still clubbing age

I rarely play PC games these days.. Lost interest but sure i'll need something to keep me occupied when alone I guess, maybe i'll get back into them.

Been seeing friends today, I didn't realise I had any until this all happened, now i'm going to make sure I keep a hold of them. Sadly though, I don't like clubbing, not my scene.

 

[David_VI]

1. For closure.
2. Because even if he doesn't want to hear it there's a chance it might do him some good (depending on what "it" is).
3. It could even help him get over this faster.

There's no good reason to avoid talking, even if you end up hearing things you don't want to. The OP probably isn't going to kill her or vice versa. I hope.

What's your reasoning for not talking? After 8 years I would sure as hell want to know everything. All the reasons for splitting, and everything that went on behind my back (if anything). I would find it hard to move on when there's so much unfinished business, after such a long time together.

Exactly how I feel. Like i've said previously there is that fear that I'll have it all sussed in my head however when she's actually here I will just break down and grovel even though I know it's wrong. I want to come across strong and not cause anymore grief but at least show her what shes done, the good and bad.

 

[I_am_not_Carabia83]

I find it interesting with regards to violence.

I'm not one of these that thinks violence is never the answer, unfortunately in some circumstances people can only understand violence or aggression.

But in these particular circumstances (the thread topic) violence would solve nothing apart from maybe give a short moment of satisfaction. The after effect would definitely make things worse.

I also think that generally most people that say what they would do, are often the ones that would do absolutely nothing.

It's like discussions about people breaking into your house for example. You always get some people who say what they would do to the people breaking in, when in reality shock would take over, and if you were woken up by it you'd wouldn't even know what was going on.

 

[Tefal]

mate the answer your going to get is the same one most of us get in this situation "i just don't feel the same way about you any more"

it wont answer anything as there is no answer for why we just fall out of lvoe with people. one day youll be the one falling out of love and having Salomone ask you why your leaving them.. you wont be able to answer then just like you wont get an answer now.

So you gotta load of extra stuff to do now like cooking thats good, you gotta approach this in a "i can do better" find some recipes you like and start learning's o cook and cook better than she did

it will also help keep you active.


If you've ever had a deep cut and watched it heel it takes time same with your mind, but if your always looking at it you wont notice much difference bandage it up and look again in a week and you'll be amazed how much its changed.

Doing things is basically the way on sticking a bandage on the mental wound you've got.

keep focused on doing little things really well, like i said your morning routine each day try to make it better.

when you actually look back in a bit of time you'll be surprised how much better you feel about it, it still wont be fixed but focusing on it is the worst thing you can do.

 

[David_VI]

mate the answer your going to get is the same one most of us get in this situation "i just don't feel the same way about you any more"

it wont answer anything as there is no answer for why we just fall out of lvoe with people. one day youll be the one falling out of love and having Salomone ask you why your leaving them.. you wont be able to answer then just like you wont get an answer now.

So you gotta load of extra stuff to do now like cooking thats good, you gotta approach this in a "i can do better" find some recipes you like and start learning's o cook and cook better than she did

it will also help keep you active.


If you've ever had a deep cut and watched it heel it takes time same with your mind, but if your always looking at it you wont notice much difference bandage it up and look again in a week and you'll be amazed how much its changed.

Doing things is basically the way on sticking a bandage on the mental wound you've got.

keep focused on doing little things really well, like i said your morning routine each day try to make it better.

when you actually look back in a bit of time you'll be surprised how much better you feel about it, it still wont be fixed but focusing on it is the worst thing you can do.

Well I really don't know what I expect to get out of it then. I keep thinking i've been kidding myself most of the time trying to be strong when really in the back of the head theres still a possibility of getting her back, even though that sounds ridiculous to everyone here and even to myself considering what she has done and might have done.

Can't stand the thought of her gone and with someone else, regardless of what she did, because before that she was my life for a long time, she was my normality. I really cannot imagine cutting all ties and being fine. I'm the kinda person who would stalk her online just to see what she's upto.

I know all this sounds ridiculous considering how shes treated me but I can't control it.

Distraction is all I have at the moment. I stayed at a friends way too late last night because the thought of coming back to this flat and being on my own was terrifying.

I've never been properly alone.

Ah guys, I really thankyou all for your replies. I hope I don't come across as a weak person. It does often feel ridiculous posting this kinda stuff on a forum but as i've said, I really thought I had no friends and I'm sure if I didn't post here i'd feel a lot lot lot worse.

 

[regulus]

Well I really don't know what I expect to get out of it then. I keep thinking i've been kidding myself most of the time trying to be strong when really in the back of the head theres still a possibility of getting her back, even though that sounds ridiculous to everyone here and even to myself considering what she has done and might have done.

Can't stand the thought of her gone and with someone else, regardless of what she did, because before that she was my life for a long time, she was my normality. I really cannot imagine cutting all ties and being fine. I'm the kinda person who would stalk her online just to see what she's upto.

I know all this sounds ridiculous considering how shes treated me but I can't control it.

Distraction is all I have at the moment. I stayed at a friends way too late last night because the thought of coming back to this flat and being on my own was terrifying.

I've never been properly alone.

Ah guys, I really thankyou all for your replies. I hope I don't come across as a weak person. It does often feel ridiculous posting this kinda stuff on a forum but as i've said, I really thought I had no friends and I'm sure if I didn't post here i'd feel a lot lot lot worse.

You CAN control it. Look back on my post history. I started a thread back in 2011, February the 6th (or 8th) to be exact. The same thing happened to me. She came home, told me she slept with someone else and that was it. 7 years. Or maybe 6. I don't know any more, as I don't remember any more. As it doesn't matter any more. I felt like you do now. Like I had to learn to breathe all over again. I'd sit still and just focus on breathing. I didn't even entertain the thought of what came after that. I just breathed.

I wish I could tell you that things got better after a month. It didn't. It sucked major mule balls for a good few months, until one day it mattered just a little bit less. You know what it feels like when you're busting for a leak and finally get to drain the lizard, the relief, it felt like that. There 'is' life after it all. Even though you can't see it now, and won't for a while, you'll get there. And yes, you can focus on getting fit, taking up a hobby, bla bla bla, and it does help. But you can't stay busy 24 hours a day, and these thoughts WILL come back to haunt you daily. You just need to hammer your way through them. I took up finally watching '24'. Done something crazy like two seasons in a week. Anything to keep busy. And don't break down and beg. I know it seems an impossible thought but here's what will happen, and it WILL happen. I bet you a Titan graphics card this will happen;

She'll break up with this guy she's banging. Because right now she's all in 'love' ( don't worry, she's not, she thinks she is) with him. It's all excitement and hormones all over the place. All new and fun. And once the little rebound fling is over, she's going to be alone. If you stayed strong and ignored her, she'll initiate contact and try and worm her way back in. Not necessarily that she wants to get back with you, but she wants to see that it's an option. You give her NO option. Knock your head against a wall until that solidify that behavior in there. If she really wants to get back with you, you make her beg and cry for weeks. Whether you get back with her or not is up to you, but it'll come to that.

Remember, Titan graphics card

Stay strong pal.

And don't give in!!!!!!!

 

[Cosimo]

Change the locks, get immersed in work, look up some of your friends and get some hobbies. Count yourself lucky that you weren’t married or had a family. These things happen and you’ll find someone else. Time is a great healer and before you know it you’ll be enjoying life again. So chin up, keep strong and move on.