The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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I will try and talk to him when I next see him and see if he will open up and tell me what's on his mind. I think he will just tell me what he's already told me though. Earlier on in the week when I asked him why he's so tired, he said "it's just the new job kicking in and my shoulder pains etc etc"
I think he's the kind of person that gets stressed quite easily. He gets stressed even when the dishes pile up or if he has a lot of laundry to do. I think his mums constant worrying and talking stresses him out as well. Seems like the tiniest of things stress him out, maybe that's why he doesn't want to see me in case I get in a strop/upset over something and he doesn't want to deal with it right now
Wow, how did this turn into a saga so quickly!
There could be a good reason for it. Maybe he really is having a hard time at home and struggles to deal with it.
On topic I'm getting offers from a married woman. This is messed up.
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Just see how things go, I know if I was starting a new job I would want a little downtime, see how he reacts to you giving him some time but then see if he tries to intiate conversation
Don't even know why I'm in this thread I just plain and simple have no luck
Don't even know why I'm in this thread I just plain and simple have no luck
It's worth noting that not everybody likes to talk about their problems, for some they just need time to recharge to continue as normal.I will try and talk to him when I next see him and see if he will open up and tell me what's on his mind. I think he will just tell me what he's already told me though. Earlier on in the week when I asked him why he's so tired, he said "it's just the new job kicking in and my shoulder pains etc etc"
I think he's the kind of person that gets stressed quite easily. He gets stressed even when the dishes pile up or if he has a lot of laundry to do. I think his mums constant worrying and talking stresses him out as well. Seems like the tiniest of things stress him out, maybe that's why he doesn't want to see me in case I get in a strop/upset over something and he doesn't want to deal with it right now
Introverts tend to find most social interactions draining & recharge in solitude, this is normal - many introverts are also quite private & prefer to handle problems alone (this is also normal). He sounds a little like he's not dealing with his stress well & doesn't know how to articulate it in regards to your relationship - resulting in him making potentially hurtful comments.
From what I've read (please correct me if I'm wrong) but you should like you need assurance he's committed - which while is understandable & perfectly reasonably I'd wager he would find very taxing & stress inducing. In reality you both sound like you could do with relaxing, taxing it easy & talking about these when the opportunity presents itself. Ease off the gas & see if that helps.
For me, I've just rejoined the wonderful world of singletons!.
Since I've only been single a year since I was 15 at the ripe of old of 29 (many long term relationships) it's odd to say the least, but I quite enjoy the independence again - managed to salvage a good friendship out of it which I'm glad of after six years together.
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Yeah I did a bit of reading up on the whole introvert/extrovert thing last night. I'm an introvert myself, but I guess not as extreme as him. It's just a bit upsetting because he's left me thinking that I'm stressing him out when all I'm doing is trying to be there to support him. I guess the best support I can give right now is time and space
It's annoying being a woman, we by default like to overthink and overanalyze things The only reassuring thing I got out of his text was "don't take it the wrong way".. if he hadn't said that I would probably be even more upset than I already am.
It's annoying being a woman, we by default like to overthink and overanalyze things
The only reassuring thing I got out of his text was "don't take it the wrong way".. if he hadn't said that I would probably be even more upset than I already am.Think my 4 yr relationship is about to end soon
I just tried to propose a solution or an attempt at one at least
I said I would really try to change what she doesn't like about me
I said that intimacy once a month shows something is wrong
.. On this.. I'm a very contact orientated person.
.. I have really tried to not push the issue for a month and have had no response from her.
The conversation needed to happen. It's affecting my work. I get more and more anxious as I finish at the gym and go home.
No work.. No money.. No relationship
In rreturn for raising this I got
Then we might as well end it now
You don't love me
A big part of me thinks she wants out but she herself is either hiding it or doesn't even know it consciously
Ugh.. The fact of me being up since 5 says it all.
I just tried to propose a solution or an attempt at one at least
I said I would really try to change what she doesn't like about me
I said that intimacy once a month shows something is wrong
.. On this.. I'm a very contact orientated person.
.. I have really tried to not push the issue for a month and have had no response from her.
The conversation needed to happen. It's affecting my work. I get more and more anxious as I finish at the gym and go home.
No work.. No money.. No relationship
In rreturn for raising this I got
Then we might as well end it now
You don't love me
A big part of me thinks she wants out but she herself is either hiding it or doesn't even know it consciously
Ugh.. The fact of me being up since 5 says it all.
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I'm mega confused
Maybe you guys can help me decode this so-called 'boyfriend' of mine?
So after he cancelled on me last Sunday we didn't talk Monday and Tuesday. I decided to message him Wednesday evening to ask if he's ok and he said he was a bit stressed. I told him I was confused and worried and he said he doesn't know how much free time he will have going forward... I asked if he's trying to say he has no time for a relationship and he said 'I don't know' quite a few times and he felt like he's been neglecting his family etc but at the same time it's not fair on me if he can't see me as much. I then asked him a simple question 'do you still want to be with me - yes or no?'... But he fell asleep and didn't message me back until Thurs evening
So anyway, I decided enough was enough and I needed to understand what was going on and talk things through face to face.. so I turned up round his on Thursday evening and when I saw him he looked a bit of a mess to be honest... He was still wearing his work clothes, hair was a bit messy, he looked tired and stressed. We talked, I asked him what's going on and it seems like his mum/sis are very depressed and it's putting a lot of pressure on him emotionally wise. At one point when he spoke about his mum it looked like he was about to cry but he didn't.
In the end I asked him if he still wanted to be in a relationship and after a 5 second pause he said yes. I agreed to be patient and give him the time and space that he needs to sort out whatever problems he has... But at the same time I'm still really confused and don't understand how he could happily just not talk to me for days until I text first.... Maybe even weeks if I could resist not talking to him for that long.
I made him do an online Myers briggs type test and it turns out he's a 'INFP' type. That means introverted, intuitive, feeler and perceiver. This could explain a lot about how he struggles to express his emotions and I always misunderstand him etc.
Am I just wasting my time here? Or should I just be patient and deal with the fact that I may not speak/see him for weeks and just try and understand/support him by being there if and when he needs me?
Maybe you guys can help me decode this so-called 'boyfriend' of mine?
So after he cancelled on me last Sunday we didn't talk Monday and Tuesday. I decided to message him Wednesday evening to ask if he's ok and he said he was a bit stressed. I told him I was confused and worried and he said he doesn't know how much free time he will have going forward... I asked if he's trying to say he has no time for a relationship and he said 'I don't know' quite a few times and he felt like he's been neglecting his family etc but at the same time it's not fair on me if he can't see me as much. I then asked him a simple question 'do you still want to be with me - yes or no?'... But he fell asleep and didn't message me back until Thurs evening
So anyway, I decided enough was enough and I needed to understand what was going on and talk things through face to face.. so I turned up round his on Thursday evening and when I saw him he looked a bit of a mess to be honest... He was still wearing his work clothes, hair was a bit messy, he looked tired and stressed. We talked, I asked him what's going on and it seems like his mum/sis are very depressed and it's putting a lot of pressure on him emotionally wise. At one point when he spoke about his mum it looked like he was about to cry but he didn't.
In the end I asked him if he still wanted to be in a relationship and after a 5 second pause he said yes. I agreed to be patient and give him the time and space that he needs to sort out whatever problems he has... But at the same time I'm still really confused and don't understand how he could happily just not talk to me for days until I text first.... Maybe even weeks if I could resist not talking to him for that long.
I made him do an online Myers briggs type test and it turns out he's a 'INFP' type. That means introverted, intuitive, feeler and perceiver. This could explain a lot about how he struggles to express his emotions and I always misunderstand him etc.
Am I just wasting my time here? Or should I just be patient and deal with the fact that I may not speak/see him for weeks and just try and understand/support him by being there if and when he needs me?
if she's not willing to discuss it, or at least give you an idea of what the problems are, in my experience things will only get worse i'm afraid
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Am I just wasting my time here? Or should I just be patient and deal with the fact that I may not speak/see him for weeks and just try and understand/support him by being there if and when he needs me?
Looks like this is what it is going to be. If that's something that bothers you it's probably best to leave it on good terms now.
I'm mega confused
Maybe you guys can help me decode this so-called 'boyfriend' of mine?
So after he cancelled on me last Sunday we didn't talk Monday and Tuesday. I decided to message him Wednesday evening to ask if he's ok and he said he was a bit stressed. I told him I was confused and worried and he said he doesn't know how much free time he will have going forward... I asked if he's trying to say he has no time for a relationship and he said 'I don't know' quite a few times and he felt like he's been neglecting his family etc but at the same time it's not fair on me if he can't see me as much. I then asked him a simple question 'do you still want to be with me - yes or no?'... But he fell asleep and didn't message me back until Thurs evening
So anyway, I decided enough was enough and I needed to understand what was going on and talk things through face to face.. so I turned up round his on Thursday evening and when I saw him he looked a bit of a mess to be honest... He was still wearing his work clothes, hair was a bit messy, he looked tired and stressed. We talked, I asked him what's going on and it seems like his mum/sis are very depressed and it's putting a lot of pressure on him emotionally wise. At one point when he spoke about his mum it looked like he was about to cry but he didn't.
In the end I asked him if he still wanted to be in a relationship and after a 5 second pause he said yes. I agreed to be patient and give him the time and space that he needs to sort out whatever problems he has... But at the same time I'm still really confused and don't understand how he could happily just not talk to me for days until I text first.... Maybe even weeks if I could resist not talking to him for that long.
I made him do an online Myers briggs type test and it turns out he's a 'INFP' type. That means introverted, intuitive, feeler and perceiver. This could explain a lot about how he struggles to express his emotions and I always misunderstand him etc.
Am I just wasting my time here? Or should I just be patient and deal with the fact that I may not speak/see him for weeks and just try and understand/support him by being there if and when he needs me?
Sounds to me like this chap has a lot going on in hist life, and right now you are not a priority for him.
If you're happy with being on the bottom of his list, and can wait for a prolonged period of time for him to sort himself out then maybe you'll get more attention.
Personally I don't think its worth it on the face of this text having a quick read, but only you know if it is or not.
Am I just wasting my time here? Or should I just be patient and deal with the fact that I may not speak/see him for weeks and just try and understand/support him by being there if and when he needs me?
how long have you been together ?, if its a few years (3+) then i think you are, because if you struggle with communication when in a relationship things tend to only get worse
are you normally supportive of each other, do you talk things through ?
not contacting you, even to say i'm ok, and by this i mean not in hospital/injured etc, is unfair on you.
I could be waiting a while I like him a lot though and really want to make things work. If he was a **** to me then it would make walking away so much easier, but he's a genuine nice guy which makes me want to hang around a bit longer and see if things will get better.
We've not been together long. We'd been seeing each other for 4 months and then made it official 2 months ago, so a total of 6 months. He was fine 2 weeks ago, then all of a sudden he went all quiet on me. I've not seen him for two weeks, other than the 2hrs on Thursday when we had our talk.
He doesn't contact me, but he never ignores me when I text him. He's always slow at replying though, but I guess that's just because he doesn't really check his phone much.
Communication has always been a problem between us. It's like he doesn't know what to say or how to express himself which then leads me to overthink. Again I think this might have something to do with his 'INFP' personality clashing with my 'ISTJ' personality. Some people don't believe this Myers Briggs BS and neither did I at first.. But after reading a bit more into it, it seems to make a lot of sense now.
I like him a lot though and really want to make things work. If he was a **** to me then it would make walking away so much easier, but he's a genuine nice guy which makes me want to hang around a bit longer and see if things will get better.We've not been together long. We'd been seeing each other for 4 months and then made it official 2 months ago, so a total of 6 months. He was fine 2 weeks ago, then all of a sudden he went all quiet on me. I've not seen him for two weeks, other than the 2hrs on Thursday when we had our talk.
He doesn't contact me, but he never ignores me when I text him. He's always slow at replying though, but I guess that's just because he doesn't really check his phone much.
Communication has always been a problem between us. It's like he doesn't know what to say or how to express himself which then leads me to overthink. Again I think this might have something to do with his 'INFP' personality clashing with my 'ISTJ' personality. Some people don't believe this Myers Briggs BS and neither did I at first.. But after reading a bit more into it, it seems to make a lot of sense now.
its going to be difficult in a relationship that new, but with the lack of contact from his side, even when you make the effort, it isn't great.
from the way he's reacted you could be in for a very long wait,and this soon into a relationship i'm not sure it would be worth it
Soldato
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I could be waiting a while
We've not been together long. We'd been seeing each other for 4 months and then made it official 2 months ago, so a total of 6 months. He was fine 2 weeks ago, then all of a sudden he went all quiet on me. I've not seen him for two weeks, other than the 2hrs on Thursday when we had our talk.
Sounds similar to the one I've just been through albeit a longer timescale. Getting on like a house on fire for a couple of months, only saw each other a few times a week but it was enough because it was brilliant. Then she went all quiet all of a sudden and needed 'time to herself' for almost a week, went back to normal for a weekend then on the Tuesday after she 'wanted to talk' and we were done.
I nearly just ended it before the weekend to save getting messed about but gave her the benefit of the doubt and that sure went well.. Hopefully yours isn't the same but if you don't want to get messed about you just have to be proactive. 3 messages in on POF and I've just asked someone out so fingers crossed
Am I just wasting my time here? Or should I just be patient and deal with the fact that I may not speak/see him for weeks and just try and understand/support him by being there if and when he needs me?
You can't fix other people. You can just support them when they fix themselves. And at the end of it they may be different people and not want to be around the people from their previous problems.
The question is do you want a fixer-upper? Are you going to put yourself through all this for someone else you've only known a couple of months? For someone who has little time for you and that you don't see very often?
You may find it a very hard thing that poisons whatever good feelings you have for this relationship. Is this what you expected to be buying into when you started dating this guy?
No it's not what I expected. I have a feeling that he wants to end the relationship but he just doesn't know how to do it in a nice way. I guess there is no 'nice' way really. Maybe he's just trying to wait it out and hope I will eventually lose patience and give up.
If that's what he's trying to do then I think it's working. The less we talk and the longer I don't see him, the more I forget about him and the fact that I actually have a 'boyfriend.' I guess I'll wait a bit longer and see what happens. It's not like I'm gonna get back into the dating world anytime soon anyway.
If that's what he's trying to do then I think it's working. The less we talk and the longer I don't see him, the more I forget about him and the fact that I actually have a 'boyfriend.' I guess I'll wait a bit longer and see what happens. It's not like I'm gonna get back into the dating world anytime soon anyway.
Soldato
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You could offer to help him out with these issues if you haven't already, it may not be personal time together, but he may appreciate the assistance.
I have offered my help and support already. He said that's very sweet of me but he just needs to deal with his problems by himself.
Soldato
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fair enough, guess you just have to wait and see how it goes. or end it....
not my place to say much beyond that though. I would personally wait though. maybe another month. But I recently came out of another situation, the communications fell off from both sides though, the "magic" disappeared and it was already a strain being long distance. Still friends as we talked it out before ending it.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make, have a free hug from me *hug*
. no matter what you decide though, it will be tough as you will either wait for things to improve or be feeling from the end of a relationship. ... I know I have most lilely just repeated whats already been said, but I have only skimmed the replies, sorry in advance if I haven't added anything new
Sounds like it's over but he's got a lot on his plate and maybe doesn't want the added stress of a break-up at the moment. At the end of the day in a relationship you wind up relying on your partner for emotional support, if he doesn't want to do that with you raises more than a few alarm flags.