The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Serotonine]

I don't want to break up with her, i want to help her and for us to go onto living our lives out together and being happy. But i came here for advice and it seems i may be clinging onto something beyond repair, especially if she isnt wanting to help herself. The problem is whenever we talk she'll bring up something i've done and say how bad it is, like that i didnt cook dinner enough or she'd come home and i'd be playing xbox so she would presume i'd been doing that all day. Not that i was at work for 8 hours and chilling out until she decided to turn up late from work at whatever time in the evening. But i tend to come away feeling guilty for it and it gets turned into a much bigger problem than her lying about not drinking, then coming home and slicing holes all over her body. Whenever i tell her how things are improving for us and that i'll be there for her she says she can never forgive me for not letting her brother stay and for not leaving work to come let her in that day, even though i'd have most likely lost my job. When i say that she says i should have been more reassuring to her at the time and not angry, telling her to sort it herslef and i feel guilty straight away that i didnt react like that. For the past 3-4 months i've found it incredibly hard to see the scars and not think of seeing her like that. They're a glaring reminder of what happened and i know how awful it was to find her like that. What with the HPV problems and the scars i've been distant in terms of closeness and i feel guilty about that. I keep wondering if i should have just ignored it and been close anyway but it was so hard at the time and i've never had to deal with something like this before. She says she's felt like i just didnt like her at all at times and its a big part of why she's wanting to have space now. I know how much i've cared about her which is why it hurt so much to see her undressed with the giant scars across her legs, stomach and arms.

- you have to be 2 in the relation. You should discuss with her about your feelings. how you feel, and what you expect from the relationship.
- you want to make her happy and you really care about her.
- she brings back something bad you have done (all the girls do it. ALL.)
- You are not sure she loves you, but she hurts herself when you are not there for her : you are not responsible for her actions, but that may be her way to show you how much she loves you. Maybe try to speak with her, and tell her there is some other way to show you that she loves you , like doing stuff you'd like or spend more time with you, and coming earlier from work.
May happen a girl could be self destructive, many reasons for that. there is no excuse, it's completly wrong, but that's a way to show she 's not feeling good or need more attention, and try to get more attention by needed to get somebody watching over her. Some people have not being told how to show their love, or just being serious by saying it, they try to do things to show you are important in their eyes, ok, like that is not the best way i agree.
- she feels like you were not there for her, and now she puts some distance : Possibly : she just protects herself to dont getting hurt if you drop her, or if you take the decision first to put some distance. Defensive reaction.

I do not agree with Steampunk.

She just doesn't want to be the bad guy. She wants to be able to say it was your decision to break up. At the same time, every time you want to discuss something with her she deflects it into something where she's blaming everything on you, picking out problems in the past that should be long forgotten to make everything "your fault".

if she really wants to break-up, she wouldnt be self destructive.
blaming part and picking out problems from the past : LOT OF GIRLS DO IT. That's not because it's from the past, that should be completly forgotten.
have you never heard your mother or girls from your family, bringing up on the table some mistakes done in the past?

 

[snips86x]

Well, its official. I'm moving out on the last weekend of May. A friend at work as a spare room and has agreed to put me up for a while. She's going through a divorce and seems like she could do with the company - should be nice and stress free (touch wood). I was originally going to go to my dads/sisters but the distance for commuting would have been a problem. This place is a 15 min cycle which is ideal.

I'm going to miss being around the family and going to miss my son the most I think. Not quite sure how I'm going to do it on the day but I'm sure I'll think of something. It's going to be heartbreaking though. First few weeks will be a total killer.

Had another little breakdown yesterday, which I could have done without. Feeling much better today and trying to keep working so I'm distracted. I have some good friends who are happy to listen to me babble on - which is what you need sometimes. She says she doesn't want me to go but I feel I have to as I still love my wife and want the love/affection - which isn't going to happen. Making time to repair our marriage could be difficult with a little one and working part time but I want it to happen.

No real structure to this really, just letting it out

 

[Vidar]

Well, its official. I'm moving out on the last weekend of May. A friend at work as a spare room and has agreed to put me up for a while. She's going through a divorce and seems like she could do with the company - should be nice and stress free (touch wood). I was originally going to go to my dads/sisters but the distance for commuting would have been a problem. This place is a 15 min cycle which is ideal.

I'm going to miss being around the family and going to miss my son the most I think. Not quite sure how I'm going to do it on the day but I'm sure I'll think of something. It's going to be heartbreaking though. First few weeks will be a total killer.

Had another little breakdown yesterday, which I could have done without. Feeling much better today and trying to keep working so I'm distracted. I have some good friends who are happy to listen to me babble on - which is what you need sometimes. She says she doesn't want me to go but I feel I have to as I still love my wife and want the love/affection - which isn't going to happen. Making time to repair our marriage could be difficult with a little one and working part time but I want it to happen.

No real structure to this really, just letting it out

It doesn't need structure mate, just let it out as it comes and never bottle it up even if you have to talk to the Samaritans from time to time like I did.

As I've said before this is going to be incredibly hard but you will make it work best for you, and whether you manage to patch things up with your wife or not at some point down the road you will look back and realise that doing this was the best thing you could do for you and your son.

No child should have to grow up in a hostile environment.

 

[snips86x]

It doesn't need structure mate, just let it out as it comes and never bottle it up even if you have to talk to the Samaritans from time to time like I did.

As I've said before this is going to be incredibly hard but you will make it work best for you, and whether you manage to patch things up with your wife or not at some point down the road you will look back and realise that doing this was the best thing you could do for you and your son.

No child should have to grow up in a hostile environment.

Cheers mate!

I made the mistake of saying my new landlady (from work) is cute While that maybe the case, it wasn't a smart one and I need a stronger password on my phone

 

[Vidar]

Personally I'd be asking your 'wife' what right she has to be going through your phone in the first place... I tend to be quite confrontational though when someone oversteps my personal boundaries!

Apart from that, if your marriage is over what business is it of your ex partners now anyway? Yes you need to be civil to each other for the sake of your son, but don't let her walk all over you. Get a contact agreement for your son sorted between the two of you and if its agreeable have it finalised by a family solicitor who's willing to help you both... If she's wanting to punish you and be difficult and you're in a position to do it get yourself a damn good solicitor and have it hammered out in court, if not there is tons of great advice out there and I'm always happy to help those going through it as I know first hand what it's like.

 

[snips86x]

We're still married and living together and its quite amicable between us. No hard feelings or anything like that. Our son is all sorted, I'll see him every weekend when I take him to his swimming lesson. Me moving out is meant to be a temp thing so we can patch our relationship up!

 

[Vidar]

Then mate, I wish you all the luck in the world.... seems you've got your head on straight!

 

[Captain]

I give it 2 months before you are in your work colleague's bed

 

[krisboats]

She just doesn't want to be the bad guy. She wants to be able to say it was your decision to break up. At the same time, every time you want to discuss something with her she deflects it into something where she's blaming everything on you, picking out problems in the past that should be long forgotten to make everything "your fault".

She says she feels bad when she does things to hurt you, but does them anyway. She says she loves you but can never forgive. Says she wants to get better but goes off her meds so she can drink and take drugs with her friends. Wants to make sure you're okay, but wants to leave you.

This woman will **** up your life if you stick with her, as she doesn't want to fix herself or her relationship with you. She's just making the right noises to make herself feel better, and doesn't even know what she is doing.

You might love who she was, or the image of her in your head, but she will eventually ruin even that as she continues on this path, and you will end up finishing with her anyway. You have to see that although she says she cares for you (and she may even fool herself into believing that), her actions say that she really doesn't care if you're hurt as long as she gets to do what she wants.

You and your well being, even the love you feel for her just don't matter to her because her actions show you're not important to her. You're not building a life together, she's doing her own thing and you're just hanging on to the past trying to make her be something she isn't.

You have to face the reality of what is your life, not the fantasy of what you wish it to be, and make your decisions based on the situation you find yourself in ie, she doesn't want to have a life with you, you don't matter much to her, she wants a separate life, she can't forgive you for things that are in the past and throws them back in your face, and keeps bringing up any issue real and imagined to make sure everything is your fault and she never has to fix anything about herself.

Does that sound like someone you want to build a life with?

I've been putting off replying to that. Its the opposite of everything i wanted to hear, but at the same time probably everything i needed to hear. To be entirely honest i didnt feel like i've done everything i can to fix this and i thought there might still be hope to do it. We had a big fight yesterday where i told her most of the things you guys have said, that although she doesnt want to be she is the bad guy in this, that its her who's doing all this and that she wont even help herself. She said she spent the whole morning crying at work but the comment that seemed to hit home the most was a flippant remark about her new place on her own being a disgusting pit of mouldy teacups (she leaves them everywhere, literally 20-30 cups at a time all growing green with mould before she clears them).

I felt crappy all day so i sent her a message in the evening saying how i hate falling out like this and that i was making dinner if she wanted an extra portion putting out. She called me up to say she was at my friends (her colleague) house doing work stuff but i should come over for bangers and mash with them. I declined, thought it might be awkward on my friends and didnt fancy being stuck while they did work stuff so we had a small chat over the phone. I told her i didnt want to give up just yet and that i'm looking at new houses tomorrow for myself. I suggested we try and write off everything thats happened and give it a proper go with a fresh start. Have a date night like once a week and see how it goes. She seemed quite excited by the idea, said she'd leave work on time and that we'd both make an effort, having dinner and a film like when we first met so i came away from the conversation feeling optimistic about the next day (this evening).

I got the dinner sorted, a bottle of wine to go with it, bought some pot noodles (running joke from our first date) and sent her a funny message about the last girl i did this with (her) being too shy to eat dinner so making a lame excuse about having eaten. And i waited. And she messaged to say everyone had stayed late at work and she was getting a lift back with one of them. The 6pm home time became 8.15 but i downplayed it and tried to continue witn the evening. She spent half of it on her phone putting things for sale on facebook groups and checking out pictures of things and the other half was a very mild effort at having fun. We had a quick game together (she loves COD zombies), sat down for dinner, which was actually really nice and then retreated to the lounge for a movie she'd been recommended. The film was gone girl with ben affleck and basically entailed a married couple growing to hate each other and she frames him for murder. Not exactly the mood lifter we probably could have done with!

She spent the whole time curled up in the corner of the sofa and half of the time on her phone again. Towards the end of the evening she caught me staring into space and asked if i was all right. I told her i'd just expected the night to go differently and was fine really. She said i can't expect us to just slip back into how we were and that doing so would just be wrong. I dont get what she meant by that, i know shes not in the same place as me but i'd just hoped she would make a bit of effort for tonight. I guess it just sank in that at some point in the past few weeks her mindset has radically changed and now she just wont even try.

On the plus side i'm going out to the pub with a few of my friends on friday, downside is it was my now ex (feels wrong and horrible thiinking of her in that way) that invited me to go out with everyone.

Kris, your girlfriend has classic Daddy issues which generally involve self harming, drinking excessively and doing drugs, and also being rather promiscuous. As someone who had the misfortunate of dating a girl like that I can tell you that you'd be much happier with someone else. She's most likely cheated/cheating on you (going out all weekend, staying out till the early morning, STD early on in the relationship) and actually contributes very little towards the relationship apart from causing you constant grief. She's never going to be the girlfriend you want her to be. Do yourself a favour and find a decent girlfriend

I've never been one to seriously question her loyality, sure in the beginning i'd get drunk and insecure but i dont actually think she would cheat on me. The STD at the beginning isnt even in question, i know she wasnt seeing anyone else back then as she was head over heels for me and we spent all of our time together.

I have to say though, her wanting her own space and being so radically different in her attitude towards me and us being close has only really been in the last two weeks. And it was 2.5 weeks ago that she turned up home at 8.30M drunk and with some guys jacket. i'd woken up at 5.30 and she wasnt home so sent her a text and tried calling a few times. She was hanging up the phone on my calls and text me back rather annoyed that she was fine and to stop worrying. I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt but it does look pretty bad.

- you have to be 2 in the relation. You should discuss with her about your feelings. how you feel, and what you expect from the relationship.
- you want to make her happy and you really care about her.
- she brings back something bad you have done (all the girls do it. ALL.)
- You are not sure she loves you, but she hurts herself when you are not there for her : you are not responsible for her actions, but that may be her way to show you how much she loves you. Maybe try to speak with her, and tell her there is some other way to show you that she loves you , like doing stuff you'd like or spend more time with you, and coming earlier from work.
May happen a girl could be self destructive, many reasons for that. there is no excuse, it's completly wrong, but that's a way to show she 's not feeling good or need more attention, and try to get more attention by needed to get somebody watching over her. Some people have not being told how to show their love, or just being serious by saying it, they try to do things to show you are important in their eyes, ok, like that is not the best way i agree.
- she feels like you were not there for her, and now she puts some distance : Possibly : she just protects herself to dont getting hurt if you drop her, or if you take the decision first to put some distance. Defensive reaction.

I do not agree with Steampunk.



if she really wants to break-up, she wouldnt be self destructive.
blaming part and picking out problems from the past : LOT OF GIRLS DO IT. That's not because it's from the past, that should be completly forgotten.
have you never heard your mother or girls from your family, bringing up on the table some mistakes done in the past?

I don't know why she would do it, i've never been around someone that does this kind of thing to understand it properly. I know it feels like she doesnt care at the minute and that when i do nice things for her she's acting weird. Like she doesnt deserve them and she shies away and acts guilty, like she truly doesnt want me to do them for her. She also keeps bringing up the fact that she really doesnt want to be with anyone else. Its hard to tell if shes trying to reassure me on something thats true or whether "the lady doth protest too much" as they say.


I guess i'll have to see how the houses are tomorrow and how friday evening with my friends goes. One things for certain, her excuse of wanting to put workfirst because she loves it so much came crashing down today when she said she hates it there and they're going to be demoting her and is worrying that getting the sack will be next. She's also struggling to find a place of her own because she hasnt planned for this so doesnt have the money in place for agency fees ata new apartment. I Just hope to god i dont end up leaving her to get my own placed then a couple of months down the line have her jobless and homeless. I dont want to have to decide between letting her stay with me or forcing her to sort her **** out on her own.

 

[snips86x]

Then mate, I wish you all the luck in the world.... seems you've got your head on straight!

Thanks Mate

I give it 2 months before you are in your work colleague's bed

I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure if I want this! She's going through a divorce and her husband walked out on her about a month or so ago. She's struggling on her own which is why she agreed to put me up for a bit!

She's sweet and we've spent a little time together just so we each know what we're like (dont fancy living with a psycho) and yeah....that's about it!

 

[Steampunk]

I've been putting off replying to that. Its the opposite of everything i wanted to hear, but at the same time probably everything i needed to hear. To be entirely honest i didnt feel like i've done everything i can to fix this and i thought there might still be hope to do it. We had a big fight yesterday where i told her most of the things you guys have said, that although she doesnt want to be she is the bad guy in this, that its her who's doing all this and that she wont even help herself.

What everyone with a bit of experience learns is that you can't fix other people. You can help them and support them, but in the end they have to fix themselves. Things like happiness and love ultimately come from within. It's not something you can force on other people or find from other people. All you can do is help when necessary. If someone doesn't want that help, you can't make them take it.

If someone isn't in the right place to sort their own life out, you can't make them. Even if you could, you would be left behind as part of an old life, a reminder of something that used to be. It's often the case that as someone changes, the things that brought two people together also change, and they end up drifting apart.

Things like staying out all night, avoiding your calls, coming home in the morning with another bloke's jacket, etc are all big warning signs. She's also showing a lot of classic guilt behaviour, and she's not hiding it very well because she wants you to know. She wants to be absolved of all responsibility, or blow up the relationship so that she can do what she wants and still say it was you that called it quits, not her. If she was someone you just met, you wouldn't put up with that, and she's someone who claims to love you.

The idea of splitting up and starting to date again from scratch is a good idea. It will give time for both of you to figure out what you both want. It will get you out of the rut and old patterns of behaviour you have fallen into. I think a bit of distance will also give you perspective. It will let you see her for who she is, rather than who you want her to be. The way things stand now, she couldn't even give you one evening, and didn't see anything wrong in what she did. Then blamed you for calling her on that.

I think if you also date other people, you'll see what it's like with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who just takes you for granted, and is keeping you there out of habit more than anything else.

You may love this woman, and she may believe that she loves you, but what is said is meaningless if her actions don't back it up. Do you feel this woman loves you? Does she respect you and your feelings? Does she care about you more than she cares about herself? Does she make you happy? Do you see a future with her?

These are questions that will give you some perspective on what you mean to her. Then turn the questions around and think about what she means to you. Are the answers balanced, or are you doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, while she just screws things up?

You've got to see things for what they are, and go from there, but I think you're still romanticising her and thinking that it's your job to fix her and love her, while she's just sabotaging everything and treating you as if you don't matter.

 

[.Lethal]

Krisboats I don't think anybody that has tried to help you here can say anything that has already been said.

You know what people are telling you but you come across as somebody that can't let go despite being in such a relationship as yours. You're used to her being around and seem unable to accept that life could be better by ending things. Many have expressed similar experiences and none have said how they regret moving on. Everybody deserves to be happy and nobody should feel like this, your girlfriend included. You're punishing both of yourselves.

I'd suggest you do the same but you probably won't until it gets much worse and you both get hurt an awful lot more.

I would like to give you some positive advice but there isn't anything good to say from what you write.

 

[Rids]

Another top post Steampunk. Agree with everything you've said.

 

[malachi]

Krisboats, you are trying to hold onto a relationship which clearly is over.

Time to move on, you have given more than enough. There is way more to life than this.

 

[Flipt]

Krisboats - You really do need to start taking the advice given on here. I am speaking from experience that I was with someone who mirrors the behaviour of your gf (apart from the self harming).

At present you are making excuses for her behaviour in the hope that it will get better and that this is a temporary thing. I get that - you love her, just like I loved my gf. I can catergorically say that it will NOT get better that that she will always try and create some sort of drama and behave selfishly, not taking you into consideration at all. It seems at present all you are left with is picking up the pieces and being emotionally drained running after her trying to fix the wake of her destructive behaviour (classic signs of bipolar). If you do not bite the bullet and get out, this will continue until you are left with no confidence, energy or happiness, and this in turn could effect future relationships you have.

It took me a few months to get over my ex and the need to want to fix her and solve her issues, but I knew that whatever I fixed she would break something else. That wasn't going to be me!

Hope you get the courage to walk away from this.

 

[Gzero]

One things for certain, her excuse of wanting to put workfirst because she loves it so much came crashing down today when she said she hates it there and they're going to be demoting her and is worrying that getting the sack will be next. She's also struggling to find a place of her own because she hasnt planned for this so doesnt have the money in place for agency fees ata new apartment. I Just hope to god i dont end up leaving her to get my own placed then a couple of months down the line have her jobless and homeless. I dont want to have to decide between letting her stay with me or forcing her to sort her **** out on her own.

Stop caring. Seriously you will look back and think why did you waste so much energy on someone who doesn't care about you?

She spent her night on the end of the sofa and gave you a rubbish excuse of why she wasn't spending it with you.

Do not go to the pub, it will only make you feel worse. Go have a preview of those places you want to move to, a walk around the areas.

You are a good guy, don't let her take advantage of you, and as others have said she's trying to get you to end it. Realise it has ended already, you don't need to say anything to her, no need to discuss it as she has already closed herself off to you, move on and concentrate on yourself as it certainly isn't the end of the world. Do not be afraid to be single and more importantly, happy.

 

[krisboats]

What everyone with a bit of experience learns is that you can't fix other people. You can help them and support them, but in the end they have to fix themselves. Things like happiness and love ultimately come from within. It's not something you can force on other people or find from other people. All you can do is help when necessary. If someone doesn't want that help, you can't make them take it.

If someone isn't in the right place to sort their own life out, you can't make them. Even if you could, you would be left behind as part of an old life, a reminder of something that used to be. It's often the case that as someone changes, the things that brought two people together also change, and they end up drifting apart.

Things like staying out all night, avoiding your calls, coming home in the morning with another bloke's jacket, etc are all big warning signs. She's also showing a lot of classic guilt behaviour, and she's not hiding it very well because she wants you to know. She wants to be absolved of all responsibility, or blow up the relationship so that she can do what she wants and still say it was you that called it quits, not her. If she was someone you just met, you wouldn't put up with that, and she's someone who claims to love you.

The idea of splitting up and starting to date again from scratch is a good idea. It will give time for both of you to figure out what you both want. It will get you out of the rut and old patterns of behaviour you have fallen into. I think a bit of distance will also give you perspective. It will let you see her for who she is, rather than who you want her to be. The way things stand now, she couldn't even give you one evening, and didn't see anything wrong in what she did. Then blamed you for calling her on that.

I think if you also date other people, you'll see what it's like with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who just takes you for granted, and is keeping you there out of habit more than anything else.

You may love this woman, and she may believe that she loves you, but what is said is meaningless if her actions don't back it up. Do you feel this woman loves you? Does she respect you and your feelings? Does she care about you more than she cares about herself? Does she make you happy? Do you see a future with her?

These are questions that will give you some perspective on what you mean to her. Then turn the questions around and think about what she means to you. Are the answers balanced, or are you doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, while she just screws things up?

You've got to see things for what they are, and go from there, but I think you're still romanticising her and thinking that it's your job to fix her and love her, while she's just sabotaging everything and treating you as if you don't matter.

You're right. You're advice has been spot in so far, it really has and i am very appreciative for you taking the time to give it.

I think she does care, shes still quick to run over and try and console me if she thinks i'm upset over something and the fact that i'm upset is clearly getting to her. I was told yesterday by my mum that my ex (still feels weird) seems massively depressed still and it explains why she's angry at every little thing both regarding me and normal everyday stuff that has nothing to do with me. I went round to visit said mutual friends last night and it was mentioned that she's like it at work too. I feel bad because she's clearly not able to think straight and make rational decisions at the minute and i want to be there for her to help her through this. I genuinely see a possibility of us being happy together if she can kick the depression and take a step back to look at things with a different perspective. The problem is that at least halfway through we had a great run of thIngs. We both clearly cared about each other and things were great between us despite a few external situations being not so great. At the minute shes screwing everything up and is becoming so angry and bitter that even the little things i do wrong become these monstruous issues that are turning her sour towards me and its hard to be around her when she's like this. You're all right, i do keep thinking if she can get through this and she manages to come through it okay on the other side then i dont want to have left her and moved on and miss out on us being genuinely happy together later. So in that regard i'm at a loss on what to do.

But at the same time you guys are right in that she is only pushing me away at the minute and doesnt seem to want to fix herself, hell she might not even realise how badly she's functioning at the minute. In that regard i think its best for both of us if we do have our own place and i'm almost sorted financially (referencing and agent fees are a *****!) to being able to do that. Unfortunately yesterdays viewings were pretty bad and i came away feeling fairly hopeless but got some more booked in today that look a heck of a lot nicer.

I think me plan is that i'm going to have to get my own place and leave her to it. If she gets stuck or somehow wakes up and realises what shes done then i'm going to be there for her, i dont know how i could care about someone so much and then just cut all ties. It really isnt me. But at the same time i'm going to be working on my own life, looking for jobs that suit me - wherever they may be - and looking out for myself so i can do all the things i want to do.

 

[RoboCod]

Oh dear

Why settle for second best? Why be on standby just in case she changes her mind? Why be the fall guy? Why don't you believe you deserve more or better?

Unless your frame of mind changes completely, you're always going to see things the way you do unfortunately.

 

[Hades]

Krisboats, something I have learned over the years is to be the best person you can for yourself. I don't mean in a selfish way. But build your own life around yourself and it will attract others if it's meant to be. Don't bend in the wind trying to please others or even trying to change them.

When I met my girlfriend (now wife) 24 years ago I did everything I could to please her and just ended up losing everything from my life to build a life she wanted. Nowadays we are still married but my view has changed a lot. I lead my life the way I want to and if she wants to come along then that's great.

What I'm trying to say is that if you bend over backwards for women then you lose too much of your own life. Walk tall and confident through life and build the person you need to be. Your ex will either follow you or you will drift apart. But you will be happier long term. Good luck.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

I think if you also date other people, you'll see what it's like with someone who wants to be with you

This is probably one of the more important bits from your very good post.