May 25th.. the day my whole world crumbled

I divorced from my then wife when my daughter was 18months old, today, she's 18years old and we have a very close relationship, I certainly have a better relationship with my daughter than she has with my ex wife - my ex hates this fact! :p
Time is a healer, it will get better.

Despite at the time not wanting to split, ~ 16 years on I look back and am very glad that we did split up.
 
Not going to give you any advice but would just like to say that I hope you all get through this harrowing period of your lives and it all works out well for all of you.
 
Very sorry to hear about your relationship break up - however, why is the assumption made that your daughter would live with her mother? Who is more able to support and raise her properly?
 
The same sort of thing happened to me in January, my wife decided she wants a divorce so I moved out. I have not seen her since (we where together for 11 years).

Give it time and it really does get better, 5 / 6 months later I feel much better, I started seeing a few girls now and I am moving on with my life.

Start thinking about what will be fair from a financial point of view, my wife was all nice at first and said I could keep what I came into the marriage with and only wanted enough to buy a house and her car but others have put their nose in now and she is asking for more
 
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OP you need to detach yourself from the situation and work out how to come away from this with the best deal for yourself.

The woman is gone, thats a given, the only thing you need to concern yourself with now, is how to get out of this relationship with as little cost and as little hasle as possible.

While she is this mood of wanting to leave and run off with her new man, now is the time you are most likely going to get her to agree to things she wouldnt other wise do as all she is focused on is this other fella and her fantasy of a wonderlife away from you.

So you need to think about:
Keeping the house, maybe getting her to accept a pay off to relinquish financial interest in the property.
Mutually agreed (in writing not verbally, its unenforceable) access and financial responsibility to the child.

If I were you as well, I would be the one to petition the court for a divorce and cite infidelity and irreconcilable differences. Mainly because YOU then control how fast or slowly it goes, and she is more likely to end up paying.

Its not about anything other than protecting your own interests now, no matter how manly and selfless you want to be about it, its not worth it.
 
Forget the get full custody lark, its just not going to happen, unless she is an unfit mother, which I doubt she is.

C.S.A. only get involved if one party asks, so try and make a decent agreement between yourselves.

OP all the best, keep cool and you will be fine, then when its all sorted go find yourself a better woman.
 
hi all
thanks for advice, feedback etc
well a couple of days have passed and a few things have happened i will try and lay everything out in order

Tuesday 26th May Evening
had a get together with Wife and in-laws - Wife basically says that we are just 2 different people now, i have my hobbies (gaming, rugby, football etc) she as none and would like to socialise more (i am a bit anti-social)

she said she still loves me, but no longer in that way a wife and husband should.
Wife's Dad, says that we have been together since she was 18 and she turns 30 this month and suggests to her, its like a mini-midlife crisis but its as if she only expects to live to 60!!

Wife says she doesnt want to make it work, just for our daughters sake and i agree completely with her and i dont want to be with someone who 'cannot be bothered'

we all have a long chat, wifes mom sympathises but Wifes dad is not happy.
her Dad said not to get solicitors etc involved which we both agreed to and 'try' and do things amicably

although nothing is in writing etc we all agree shared custody if you want to call it that for our Daughter, 3.5 days each and the way the child care goes with my mom and wifes mom rotating days to look after daughter, everyone will see our daughter as and when we like and i am well chuffed with that.
i know with no legal document that can change whenever but we both happy with how things are currently playing out

over the last couple of days, me, wife etc have had loads of discussions.
we are both still living in the same house, wife in separate bed but all sitting down and having meals together and sitting and watching tv at night together

house is soon to be put up for sale, and any profit will be split between the 2 of us.
as it stands this very moment, everything feels ok and its like i have lost a wife but gained a best friend.

i know some of you will think 'What a mug' and time will dictate if that is true, but for some reason i feel different myself now i have had time to think and talk with wife over things.
its like now there is no pressure there

so thats me as it stands...
i will now try and answer a few of the posts in here

1) the reason i dont want to go down solicitor route etc is i just cannot afford to, i know money should not matter but i want to leave this situation with something that i can try and build some life for me and my little girl.

i know its probably a cop out, but my wifes dad is very well off..
a battle with my wife is a battle with her father, not that i want to do this anyway but if i did he could pay for the best people in the business and i would only be going to court over 'stuff' because i know me gaining full custody of my daughter is slim to none anyway, and my wife is a wonderful mom and because of our jobs we rely on our parents each helping out so a custody battle would be fruitless anyway

2) trust me all this hit me like a truck, no clues whatsoever!
we would all do things together and on thursdays when the little'un stays over at her nans, we would go out for a meal etc, so when i say this was out of the blue it was

3) wifes dad is looking to take on my half of the mortgage, so wife and daughter can stay here, got to wait for valuation etc
if we sell it and both move out, current prices and after fees mean we both walk away with a possible £2.5k
so wifes dad possible proposition is, he takes over my half of mortgage house but i walk away with the 2.5k still
my suggestion was i take my macbook, PC, clothes etc but all furniture stays where it is.
ok i know i am starting from scratch but this was my idea, but if i can i want to keep daughter in familiar surroundings

4) she does not want any money of me (at this moment) our salaries are very similar and i have said she can still claim the £82 a month family credit or whatever it is called these days, so financially she will be better off than me..
i know that normally means diddly squat, but she said she wants me to be able to afford to take our daughter out, if she takes any money off me it will only effect the little'un short and long term

5) i do not want this to end on bad terms if i can help it.
i get on really well with all her family - i go to the rugby and this coming world cup with her 2 brothers - and i think of her mom and dad like my own,
we have been together for 12 years so they have played a huge part in my life
i want to be able to drop my daughter off and still have chats with them and to remind her dad how poor the villa are etc
i know their daughter initiated all of this, but like i said we are getting on better now than i can remember
perhaps there was a problem and i was just too "comfortable" to see it and perhaps i wasnt happy, but now i feel different, i feel happy going to work because my goals and needs have changed now
got something to focus and drive me on now.

sorry for waffling and probably none of the above makes any sense and all you reading this are probably saying "what a sucker"
but as it stands this is where we are at!
 
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I think they way things have gone are for you are pretty good, and pretty resonable.

Its not nice it being uncomfortable and awkward when you drop / pick your daughter up so staying on good terms is a must imo.

Chin up though !
 
everything George Hincapie said, my life was perfect until 1975 and my world divorced. "your mum is crazy" "your dad is a womanising drunk" oh the fun :(
 
George Hincapie said:
I went through pretty much this exact scenario in 2003. I am going to give you some general advise based upon my personal experience; take from it what you wish.

1. Reconcile if possible. If you love her and there is any possibility that the marriage can be salvaged then try that before any of the other options.

2. If can't be salvaged then you must do everything you can to protect your interests. Your natural inclination will be to give her everything and make her life as easy as possible for your child. Don't do that. You need to protect your interests because you need to rebuild your life and you'll have enough emotional baggage for a while as it is, without financial baggage as well.

So...

3. If the house is jointly owned, DO NOT move out. Under any circumstances. Insist that it is sold and split any equity equally between you. Do not leave the house until it's sold and contracts are exchanged. If you're renting then you can ignore this paragraph entirely.

4. Calculate 15% of your net salary. This is the amount the CSA will require you to pay for one child. Do not pay this to her until such time as you have both left the house and do not give her a penny more. You can obviously treat your child as you see fit (clothes, trips etc.) and contribute to school outings if appropriate.

5. If you have any debts in your name (excluding the mortgage) that you assumed for the betterment of your family's life and you have savings, then use whatever savings you have to pay that off. Don't discuss with your wife, just do it. Otherwise, she'll get half of any cash and you'll be left with the debt. Wise up. This part is super important to your future.

6. Agree a reasonable pattern of childcare. If you fight over childcare in Court, unless your circumstances are exceptional you are most likely to be awarded alternate weekends and half of all holidays. Christmas to alternate. Suggest that to start with and have it detailed in any subsequent Divorce agreement.

7. Regardless of the reason for her decision, regardless of how you feel, regardless of whether she provokes you, you must never lose your temper with your wife. Especially in front of your child. You must never bad mouth your wife to or in front of your child. You must never use your child as a weapon or source of intelligence. From this point on, you must become Mr Reasonable but Firm. You will thank me for this when it gets to Court.

8. Constant reassurance for the child. They will want to know why you left, it's OK to say that Mummy and Daddy don't love each other any more, but that you love the child very much. Constantly reinforce this because it is going to be very difficult period for them.

9. Don't be surprised if your wife turns into a Harpy during divorce proceedings. Legal advice by its nature is adversarial - because it makes more money for them.

There's loads more I could say, but that's a start.

Oh, and I realise that you feel your World has ended, but really it hasn't. There is life for you after this. I happily remarried and have gone on to have three boys. Just give yourself time to work through all of this and keep a sense of perspective. Your child still loves you, it doesn't matter if your wife doesn't.

Keep calm and good luck.
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Never been in your situation, OP but would probably just listen to this guy.
 
shatpank81 said:
hi all
thanks for advice, feedback etc
well a couple of days have passed and a few things have happened i will try and lay everything out in order

Tuesday 26th May Evening
had a get together with Wife and in-laws - Wife basically says that we are just 2 different people now, i have my hobbies (gaming, rugby, football etc) she as none and would like to socialise more (i am a bit anti-social)

she said she still loves me, but no longer in that way a wife and husband should.
Wife's Dad, says that we have been together since she was 18 and she turns 30 this month and suggests to her, its like a mini-midlife crisis but its as if she only expects to live to 60!!

Wife says she doesnt want to make it work, just for our daughters sake and i agree completely with her and i dont want to be with someone who 'cannot be bothered'

we all have a long chat, wifes mom sympathises but Wifes dad is not happy.
her Dad said not to get solicitors etc involved which we both agreed to and 'try' and do things amicably

although nothing is in writing etc we all agree shared custody if you want to call it that for our Daughter, 3.5 days each and the way the child care goes with my mom and wifes mom rotating days to look after daughter, everyone will see our daughter as and when we like and i am well chuffed with that.
i know with no legal document that can change whenever but we both happy with how things are currently playing out

over the last couple of days, me, wife etc have had loads of discussions.
we are both still living in the same house, wife in separate bed but all sitting down and having meals together and sitting and watching tv at night together

house is soon to be put up for sale, and any profit will be split between the 2 of us.
as it stands this very moment, everything feels ok and its like i have lost a wife but gained a best friend.

i know some of you will think 'What a mug' and time will dictate if that is true, but for some reason i feel different myself now i have had time to think and talk with wife over things.
its like now there is no pressure there

so thats me as it stands...
i will now try and answer a few of the posts in here

1) the reason i dont want to go down solicitor route etc is i just cannot afford to, i know money should not matter but i want to leave this situation with something that i can try and build some life for me and my little girl.

i know its probably a cop out, but my wifes dad is very well off..
a battle with my wife is a battle with her father, not that i want to do this anyway but if i did he could pay for the best people in the business and i would only be going to court over 'stuff' because i know me gaining full custody of my daughter is slim to none anyway, and my wife is a wonderful mom and because of our jobs we rely on our parents each helping out so a custody battle would be fruitless anyway

2) trust me all this hit me like a truck, no clues whatsoever!
we would all do things together and on thursdays when the little'un stays over at her nans, we would go out for a meal etc, so when i say this was out of the blue it was

3) wifes dad is looking to take on my half of the mortgage, so wife and daughter can stay here, got to wait for valuation etc
if we sell it and both move out, current prices and after fees mean we both walk away with a possible £2.5k
so wifes dad possible proposition is, he takes over my half of mortgage house but i walk away with the 2.5k still
my suggestion was i take my macbook, PC, clothes etc but all furniture stays where it is.
ok i know i am starting from scratch but this was my idea, but if i can i want to keep daughter in familiar surroundings

4) she does not want any money of me (at this moment) our salaries are very similar and i have said she can still claim the £82 a month family credit or whatever it is called these days, so financially she will be better off than me..
i know that normally means diddly squat, but she said she wants me to be able to afford to take our daughter out, if she takes any money off me it will only effect the little'un short and long term

5) i do not want this to end on bad terms if i can help it.
i get on really well with all her family - i go to the rugby and this coming world cup with her 2 brothers - and i think of her mom and dad like my own,
we have been together for 12 years so they have played a huge part in my life
i want to be able to drop my daughter off and still have chats with them and to remind her dad how poor the villa are etc
i know their daughter initiated all of this, but like i said we are getting on better now than i can remember
perhaps there was a problem and i was just too "comfortable" to see it and perhaps i wasnt happy, but now i feel different, i feel happy going to work because my goals and needs have changed now
got something to focus and drive me on now.

sorry for waffling and probably none of the above makes any sense and all you reading this are probably saying "what a sucker"
but as it stands this is where we are at!
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Divorces like this, it doesn't matter how wealthy relatives are, it's not them that's getting divorced.

You have nothing other than the house and the child to decide upon, he could have an army of solicitors, it's not going to change what the court would usually decide.
By not taking control of the situation you are leaving your self exposed further down the line, listen or don't listen, I and probably others don't honestly care if you do or don't.
But those of us that have been there before are telling you how it plays it out, you either take control and do the things we've said, or you get **** on end of story.
 
Everyone wants what is best for the child to start with, but there are a couple of issues i can see.

You having the child x amount of days a week - even if ex is sat at home, you will probably be thinking that you are a cheap babysitter while ex is out with other guy 'talking'. May have you burning up or feeling like a mug. I know this will happen sooner or later, but in the beginning feelings are going to be raw :(

Also, as time moves on and talking guy and ex set up home, you will become second thought to them ie if their plans mean you don't get time with your daughter then tough luck - you have nothing in writing ie court imposed, that you can refer too - you will be constantly relying on their good will to see your child. What if they decide to move to the other end of the country?

Listening to George seems to be the way forward. It doesn't have to be nasty, you just need to say you are trying to look after your daughters best interests.
 
Your off to a good start but be wary that as soon as she has another guy or you have a girl in tow the you will really find out if she is true to her word, things (always) tend to change. This is why you should make sure the deal is set legally.
Get your name off the mortgage, its critical for your own future.

Week after I moved out the Ex had a "friend" stay over and introduced them to the kids, I was no longer allowed over the doorstep despite all of the same kind of talk.
 
Vinno said:
Sounds like its all going as amicably as you could hope for really. Hopefully you can go forward like that.
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It starts like this, my one started with the wife saying she only wants half the profit form the house (as I paid for it with money I made before we got married), this then turned to wanting half the sale price after other people start trying to give advice.
 
Dr House said:
It starts like this, my one started with the wife saying she only wants half the profit form the house (as I paid for it with money I made before we got married), this then turned to wanting half the sale price after other people start trying to give advice.
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Aaaaand what happened next?
 
Things often go amicably at first but often they don't always stay that way.

It is possible for it to remain that way but the odds are small and for the sake of you moving on with your life I would feel with a child and mortgage involved that the legal route is the safest way.

One thing that will be an absolute certain, your relationship with your wife and her family are certainly going to change over time, despite it being amicable and getting along better than ever now.
 
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