The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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Oh come on guys, don't make a fool of me just yet! Look at some of the crazy stories we've had here. Ones that we were sure were trolls and turned out to be true and bonkers! Have a little faith, a little benefit of the doubt. I'm not sure the Seinfeld gif is quite warranted yet, so I will reply with my cod-psychology empathy gif:
Associate
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Perhaps if people had something constructive to say instead of being suspicious, it would encourage people to talk more freely. Reading back through this thread it would seem it's an endemic problem.
Meh, it's the internet. If you're going to post personal stuff, you'd better learn to have a thick skin. Infinite monkeys, keyboards, etc.
You're having second thoughts now about sharing this info, aren't you? I guess you're usually so careful and self-controlled about this kind of thing, but I presume you've either left your real friends behind, or they don't know about any of this, and you'd like to keep it that way..?
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Associate
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No second thoughts no, and I suppose the suspicion is understandable to a degree. But hey, je ne regrette rien.
I'm in touch with my close friends who have always been scattered far and wide anyway. They are aware of exactly what's going on and are just bothered about me being safe. I make no excuses for reaching out for help or support in these circumstances. I pay it forward when I can.
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Reason for the hotel is because a friend in the city who is willing to let me use her spare room while I get things sorted out has her parents staying this weekend. I've checked into a hotel for the weekend before making a start on things on Monday.
See, that is pretty well adjusted of you. Yet still vague.
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If you want specifics, then ask away.
Already did several times in my overly-long postings. If you don't want to converse, that's fine.
Have you tried Imgur? It can be a real time-sink if you're bored.
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Apologies for the perceived vagueness. You're actually very right about me usually being careful and self-controlled about these things, it's not that I'm uncomfortable sharing it's more the public picking apart of things that is a strange sensation. Not necessarily a negative one though.
Different viewpoints and opinions can be valuable, even if they only become things to be discounted. In your situation I imagine you feel somewhat shell-shocked and unsure what happens next, even doubting your current and future decisions, let alone past ones. It's good to have people to act as a sounding board, even if they are anonymous people on the net. In some ways it's better, because people you know are likely to be nice to you, where people here are likely to be blunt and straight up with what they say.
Associate
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I must admit the things you've said have very much struck a chord and seeing things from the perspective that you've brought to the situation has been useful, if not making for uncomfortable reading at times. It's time I grew up a little and took responsibility for myself rather than finding myself staring down into the proverbial abyss every time someone takes my fancy.
Imagine yourself as Ava, then think what chaos you could cause if you aren't careful. Gods and mortals.
In the end, happiness comes from within, and someone like you needs some self-awareness and a bit of self-control to get there without leaving a trail of devastation through the lives of those you love. It sounds trite, but it's a truism because lots of people experience it that way.
You don't have to see that as a compromise of your hundred percent rule, but just a tempering and sharpening of that aspect of your behaviour for the sake of mere mortals.
Or you wait to find someone bigger than you, who takes the lead and does to you what you've been doing to everyone else. Then you get an equilibrium by butting up against the same head you have. Someone who understands you because they are basically a version of you.
So, a specific question that you've dodged several times: are you done with the wife, or are you going to get her back? Or still deciding or waiting for things to shake out? Why hasn't his/her marriage self-destructed in the face of dual infidelity, emotional abandonment, competition for the same woman, etc?
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Associate
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I'm holding out hope that when I'm settled here, established and have built a solid foundation, she'll come and join me. If that doesn't happen, then I try to forget and move on.
Stoic, problem solving. For someone who claims to be an all-or-nothing romantic, that's very practical. Is there anything you can do to make that happen beyond making a new start? Or are you just having to stay out of what's going on for the time being? How long will establishing a foundation take? Is she going to stay locked in her house all that time?
It doesn't sound like she's having a good time, and I'm surprised a divorce isn't in the offing. You may have been just a bit of fun for him, but she wants out and to be with you.
Anyway, must sleep now...
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There is no real choice for me right now. I can't go back, that's for certain. It's been made clear to me it's too dangerous. By far the best option is to keep distance (I've made it approximately 250 miles away, seems to be far enough) and make myself a new life here. It's going to be tough but I see no other practical way. I'm confident of being able to be settled and established within 12-18 months here. She and him have split, they're divorcing but her family are still keeping a very close eye on her as they see me (understandably so) as the spawn of the devil. They have given her an ultimatum, she either stays where is and she has the full support of her family, or she comes to me and she is disowned by them all. She really needs support right now as she is quite emotionally broken. I'm doing the best I can from afar and she's taking advantage of what her family has to offer. We spoke briefly this morning and she said she just needs to survive while I sort things out here, and then she'll come to me.
Hope you slept well
That's going to be a pretty interesting divorce. Everyone is divorcing everyone else for the same reasons and the same person. Is she ethnicly and socially from some kind of honour background, hence the house arrest, threat of disowning, and credible death threats from her family to you?
I guess you've not got much choice but to put her out of your mind for most of the time, sort yourself out and see how it goes. A year is a long time when someone needs you, and it's painful not to be able to be there for them.
But emotionally broken people... they are not good. People are hard to fix, and you may not want to have to be the fixer and the strong one all the time. Once they are fixed, they may stay with you out of a misguided sense of loyalty and resent you, or may want to leave you behind as part of the old life they have finally got out of.
How long were you actually with this woman, and how well did you know her? Obviously you didn't live together, and it was all the initial excitement of a new relationship, so I'd be cautious that she's giving up everything and everyone to come and live with you. If it doesn't work out, she'll have given everything and be left with nothing, so that's a lot of responsibility on you.
Hope you slept well
Not bad, but not enough, but then I've always been a poor sleeper, hence my late night postings. It doesn't help that at the moment my wife has a cold, so she's been gurgling, coughing and snoring most of the night. I've been waking up and glaring at her in the dark before stuffing earplugs into my ears to get a few hours of shut-eye. The glaring seems to help, even if she can't see it. I've told her I do it to make sure she knows.
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Soldato
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There is no real choice for me right now. I can't go back, that's for certain. It's been made clear to me it's too dangerous. By far the best option is to keep distance (I've made it approximately 250 miles away, seems to be far enough) and make myself a new life here. It's going to be tough but I see no other practical way. I'm confident of being able to be settled and established within 12-18 months here. She and him have split, they're divorcing but her family are still keeping a very close eye on her as they see me (understandably so) as the spawn of the devil. They have given her an ultimatum, she either stays where is and she has the full support of her family, or she comes to me and she is disowned by them all. She really needs support right now as she is quite emotionally broken. I'm doing the best I can from afar and she's taking advantage of what her family has to offer. We spoke briefly this morning and she said she just needs to survive while I sort things out here, and then she'll come to me.
Hope you slept well
I think the issue might be in the sex. Please give us a detailed account of the sex, so we can study where things might be going wrong.