The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Mate not to be harsh but yeah you're gonna be a bit neglected for a few months but this is the rest of her life she's working on.

The next 40 years of her life depend on what she does now, if you love her that should be as important to you as it is her so make up apologise for getting short with her and let her know you're then when she needs you and you understand that she's going to be busy and that you don't hold it against her and all you want is for her to succeed.

If you can't honestly say that then it's just passing infatuation and you may as well move on
 
My girlfriend thinks I'm being mean to her because I explained our relationship has gotten so involved that I've gotten to the point where I've learned to zone out her whittering babble. She thinks this is a slight to her, but I feel it's a complement.

When I told her I was going to make this post, she said make sure I tell you all that she's 'super attractive, intelligent and insightful'. I nodded and accepted this, with no small amount of sarcasm.

Opinions?
 
Illgresi said:
My girlfriend thinks I'm being mean to her because I explained our relationship has gotten so involved that I've gotten to the point where I've learned to zone out her whittering babble. She thinks this is a slight to her, but I feel it's a complement.

When I told her I was going to make this post, she said make sure I tell you all that she's 'super attractive, intelligent and insightful'. I nodded and accepted this, with no small amount of sarcasm.

Opinions?
Click to expand...

We need pics before we can give an opinion :)
 
Hades said:
We need pics before we can give an opinion :)
Click to expand...

Waited for that. Right.

2zpmnhe.jpg
 
Which one ? or both :eek: :p

Personally if my partner said to me "I've learned to zone out her whittering babble" I would be pretty annoyed lol. I mean how can you ever tell if they are listening or just zoning it out. What might be whittering babble to you might be really important to her. It’s certainly not a compliment.... how is that a compliment at all ?? great you have learned to ignore her..... I don't get it.
 
Adsta said:
Which one ? or both :eek: :p

Personally if my partner said to me "I've learned to zone out her whittering babble" I would be pretty annoyed lol. I mean how can you ever tell if they are listening or just zoning it out. What might be whittering babble to you might be really important to her. It’s certainly not a compliment.... how is that a compliment at all ?? great you have learned to ignore her..... I don't get it.
Click to expand...

Yeah I don't get it either, you'd have to be an idiot to take that as a compliment.
 
Illgresi said:
My girlfriend thinks I'm being mean to her because I explained our relationship has gotten so involved that I've gotten to the point where I've learned to zone out her whittering babble. She thinks this is a slight to her, but I feel it's a complement.

When I told her I was going to make this post, she said make sure I tell you all that she's 'super attractive, intelligent and insightful'. I nodded and accepted this, with no small amount of sarcasm.

Opinions?
Click to expand...

Imagine if she said to you that she doesn't bother to listen to anything you say, and by implication, nothing you say is worth listening to. I'm guessing that would make you feel that what you say and do doesn't matter to her.

You can try and explain that as far as you are concerned it's a compliment as it means you are comfortable with her, but she will likely just see that as an excuse and that she really doesn't matter to you.

Thing is you can't just love and appreciate people. They need to feel loved, they need to know they are appreciated. You saying you zone her out is like saying that what she says (and thinks, wants and needs) is not important to you and has no value to you. When she talks to you, she's trying to interact and connect with you, and you not listening is the same as refusing that connection. To you it's nothing, but to her, it's a refusal to connect with her. It's like a man being refused sex - you start to wonder if the woman really loves you if she doesn't want you physically.

Even if you don't agree with your partner, you should do them the courtesy of listening to them and treating them as if they are important to you. That makes them feel you value them, and they will value you back. Ask them questions like you expect them to know the answers, consider what they say and reply as if you thought about it. If you value someone's opinion, they feel important because what you think is important to them.

You've also got to ask yourself, if you don't care about this woman enough to listen to what she says, should you really be together?
 
I've been seeing a girl for about 3 weeks or so now. She's a top lass and I get along with her very well. There's just something missing for me, how on earth do I let her down yet manage to remain friends with her? It's been fun don't get me wrong, I just don't see there being anything long term. I guess a slight issue is we have a few mutual friends, she's my best mates wife's driving instructor for example and they get along very well. It might cause a few issues there.
 
S2KIP said:
I've been seeing a girl for about 3 weeks or so now. She's a top lass and I get along with her very well. There's just something missing for me, how on earth do I let her down yet manage to remain friends with her? It's been fun don't get me wrong, I just don't see there being anything long term. I guess a slight issue is we have a few mutual friends, she's my best mates wife's driving instructor for example and they get along very well. It might cause a few issues there.
Click to expand...

I'm terrible at saying no to things and hate making people feel bad so don't really know how i'd approach it other than being completely honest. Explain that she's a great girl and although you've had loads of fun, you don't want to lead her on if you aren't 100% comitted to the idea of being with her.

The driving instructor thing is a complete non-issue.
 
S2KIP said:
I've been seeing a girl for about 3 weeks or so now. She's a top lass and I get along with her very well. There's just something missing for me, how on earth do I let her down yet manage to remain friends with her? It's been fun don't get me wrong, I just don't see there being anything long term. I guess a slight issue is we have a few mutual friends, she's my best mates wife's driving instructor for example and they get along very well. It might cause a few issues there.
Click to expand...

"At top of the road, I'd like you to turn left you cold callous *******."

"I'd like you to pull up ahead on the left, and slowly reverse around the corner being careful not to crush any dreams or hit the curb."

The__Malteser said:
Would make a great edit.
Click to expand...

They are some horrendous sexy-time faces.
 
Last edited:
So how long has it been now. 4 months. First time I've thought how long.
In some ways it seems shorter, some longer

Finally gained back all the weight I lost. Was 13'6 and 34 waist, now 13'6 with 32, so actually an improvement
Signed up to rowing club which will be on Saturday mornings,
And a more techy meet up group every other Saturday that's all afternoon which I went to yesterday and was really fun

I'm qualified for scuba diving since the break.

Filling time with sports and or social activities is essential.

I still do think of her, not with malice, but the odd 'I wonder..' or 'what of..' but these are further between than before.
I still irks me a bit when I think of how she wasted years of both our time and only left when she had an ok job and friends/new boyfriend rather than ending it when she didn't want to be with me. But I'm grateful it was now not 5 years from it.
But as said these are less intense, fewer, and shorter. I still don't think I would want to see her again in the street, especially with said new bf.

I think the antidepressants help, but they only flatten emotions, don't make you happy.
I dare not come off them, they are doing no harm that I can see

So I have myself busy enough during week with work + gym
Weekends are improving. Friday nights still suck as I'm home alone.

Next phase is probably sorting work, the environment gets me down, never dealt with it during relationship as I was concentrating on that.
In short term I need to improve at what I do.

Then move out of Peterborough.
Peterborough isn't the nicest or exciting of places plus it's reminders of the past and I have no friends here anyway. Simply here due to job.

Still feel life is as pointless as ever but try to use that as a plus. 'it doesn't matter if..'

Counselling has helped, but not that much I don't think. It's more just a neutral party to talk to. Hasn't made me happy, or changed my mindset. Only thing it has done is made me look at my old relationship without the rose tinted glasses. I thought I'd lost the best thing ever. But I see we weren't as 'perfect' for each other as I thought.


So having tried
Medication
Counselling
Gym
Social (clubs/activities)
Reading
Family
Work
Car

I'd actually rate

Gym, medication, family reading, car

As most important in the aftermath.. And

Social, medication, gym.

As on going solutions

Without the gym I honestly don't know if I would have come out of the house.
It was lucky I had family as I didn't have friends at all.. And the loneliness could have literally finished me.
The medication is fixing the depression I have had underlying things for 10 years ish. Beyond the relationship. I 'handled' it within my relationship, as I didn't want to stress my ex out as she was never good with those things (probably as she didn't feel. Much for me)
It's better for a tablet to hold it back than me having to.
Work itself hasn't helped (opposite) but going out of the house in the morning was important.
Counselling is only a tiny bit of time during the week. I think anyone with an open mind could have helped just as much.
Having my s2000 was really nice. As driving it fast was a real distraction from work stress and relationship.

For those without family or friends and no money/job.. I can see how it is unrecoverable in cases.
Even with job and gym membership.. I still wanted many days to just not leave the house.
Without people depending on you, work, pre booked classes.. I probably wouldn't have left house.

Real eye opener. Only last few weeks to I think I'm actually starting to make mental progress. Even if at times I slip back a few steps

Cheesy as it sounds, you guys in here have helped a lot
You know who you are. And I know how I have the tendency to repeat. Thanks for the patience
 
Last edited:
S2KIP said:
Yeah time is the only thing that heals unfortunately. Good to hear you're getting on with your life Alex.
Click to expand...

Time helps too. Interacting with new people and actually seeing that maybe something better is it there is key.
Doing it was/is hard.
I'm still well aware I'm actively cancelling out the guilt, loss, what if feelings from the past. But at least I can.

Really miss my dog still. Hope she is ok and happy.

Logical mind says
-gym=better looking + better confidence (and we all know how important that is for future relations)
-improve job = no one wants a guy with a crummy job
-socialise = easier to connect with someone in person opposed to online

But right now I'm not actively looking. I'm nearly at the point of filing my time with social things to the point I am comforting.
I'm not a super social person who wants to be out every night.
 
Last edited:
I prefer to consider it as 'you get used to living with it' than necessarily healing; like you can put your pain away in a box somewhere and once in a while get it out and look at it, only to realise it doesn't have the effect on you it once had.

Time affords you some distance from events that overwhelm you all at once.
Perhaps what's most important is that time allows you some perspective, where maybe there was none before.
 
I'm now single al4x said:
Time helps too. Interacting with new people and actually seeing that maybe something better is it there is key.
Doing it was/is hard.
I'm still well aware I'm actively cancelling out the guilt, loss, what if feelings from the past. But at least I can.

Really miss my dog still. Hope she is ok and happy.

Logical mind says
-gym=better looking + better confidence (and we all know how important that is for future relations)
-improve job = no one wants a guy with a crummy job
-socialise = easier to connect with someone in person opposed to online

But right now I'm not actively looking. I'm nearly at the point of filing my time with social things to the point I am comforting.
I'm not a super social person who wants to be out every night.
Click to expand...

To be fair, you're obsessing about being single.

Been there, done that, just live your life as it is. Do stuff that you genuinely enjoy rather than stuff you force yourself to do rather than being alone.

Without being harsh, it's been 4 months, **** happens, youre exactly the same man you were then. Do what makes you happy even if that is on your own from time to time, I can't imagine anything worse than 'keeping busy' to get over someone.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom